Teaching Myself To See My “Beautiful”

someone said i was “beautiful” yesterday at the show.
totally shocked me,
but it was the universe doing.
God,
or whatever you believe in or don’t.
i was just discussing with the pretty vixen about it 2 hours early,
during intermission between mariah to lionel.
she said to me…

“you need to be up in someone dms.”

“yeah i do.
i’m ready again.”

i’ve been wanting to talk to a new wolf.
on i’m attracted to on all levels.
i’m ready to date again.
get fucked stupid again and again.
i have been the happiest and freest i’ve ever been.
i let go of so much that has held me back.
i’m on this new emancipated path of learning to see myself differently.

“i’ve always felt invisible tho.
like no one looks at me.”

“that is sad.
a sad way to live.”

it was.
i blame myself tho.
i should have got a handle on that early.
my insecurities took over and put me in a cage.
i been walking around like i’m some wack bitch.
no one has ever told me i was ugly.
i’ve been called a lot of things but ugly.
i tell myself i am ugly.
i see my flaws,
while everyone else sees the beauty within me.
i can tell when a vixen is attracted to me.

smizing
hair twirling around fingers
smiling extra hard
coming around a lot and wanting to me in my zone

i don’t want a vixen tho.
i want a wolf.
as cowardly as fucking some vixen is to “pass the time”,
i’m saving all this pent up sex for the next wolf to cum in…
my life.

so back to yesterday
we walking out the arena when the show is done,
this snow wolf turns around and looks at the pretty vixen and i.

“you two are the most beautiful people i have ever seen.”

like i said it shocked tf me.
he was with a snow bunny,
but i couldn’t tell if he was with her.
he was also faded af too.
the pretty vixen is used to it.
she was smiling,
said her thanks,
but clearly wasn’t interested.

“thank you.
that really made my day.”

he turned around and looked at me with the craziest face.

“you don’t hear that a lot?”

“no.”

“well you should.
you are one of the hottest guys in this room.”

i didn’t want to believe it.
i made every excuse in my head to not believe it.
that’s how my insecurities are set up,
but i’m tired of creating levels for negative thinking.
so i gave up and let that appreciation take over me.

“see…” the pretty vixen said as we walked out.

well played universe.
well played.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

17 thoughts on “Teaching Myself To See My “Beautiful”

  1. I kinda feel you on this post Jamari. I used to feel the same way and people had to point out when others were giving me attention. I thought I was just being a jaded New Yorker but I just believed at a time “Why would anyone be looking at me like that?”. Now when it happens I be like “Wassup? 😉”. Lol

    1. ^yeah that jaded new yawker life is mental hell.

      you know what’s crazy?
      no one likes to talk about stuff like this.
      every time i write about things that bother me,
      it helps me release it so i get a solution faster.

    2. I feel what you’re saying Billy & Jamari!
      I could indulge in a conversation with someone and not even realize they were hitting on me unless they were blunt with theirs. My friends, and sometimes family members, would say that person was hitting on you dummy. LOL
      Now you have these young kids hitting on you, and it’s like little boy go sit down…I am NOT going to jail behind your little ass. This generation is bold as fuck. LOL

  2. I appreciate this post.
    I do want to point out something that may have been lost…the confidence and character of the snow wolf who paid you and your girl such a great compliment. That is the confidence I am aiming for.
    Fuck what people think, if you look good, I’m letting your sexy ass know it.

    1. ^now here is a question:

      can snow wolves only get away with that?

      somehow,
      i don’t think most black straight males are comfortable in their own skin to be honest like that.

  3. It’s funny how we play ourselves. When we don’t get attention from those that we want, we internalize that as not being worthy of attention, but when we do get the attention that we want we don’t believe it’s authentic. It’s hard to find ourselves beautiful no matter how little or a lot of attention we get, but it’s so important for a healthy wellbeing. For some (myself included) it’s a life long struggle to believe in ourselves.

  4. I doubt the snow wolf was worried someone would be homophobic at a Lionel Richie and Mariah Carey concert.

    I have to admit that snow people are faster to compliment each other and do nice things though. I noticed this and I’ve been working hard to change it by complimenting random black people. I yelled out the car window to compliment two heavy vixens walking down the street this morning; everybody looked upside my head and my brother told me “No they not looking good, you crazy.” 😥

  5. I’m the same way for some reason I think I’m below average in the looks department. My friends and others point out to me all the time that’s not true but I try to be self aware . Unfortunately my self awareness is more so me putting myself down and not looking at what everyone else sees.

    I think it’s also because I can’t help but notice but I don’t have compared to other people, like I don’t have that fine symmetrical face that’s popular I don’t have abs or a toned body or glowing skin. Again it’s just me selling myself short because I’m used to it and I need to stop doing that

  6. I think the trouble for me is that sometimes idk when a man is checking me out bc he feeling me or if he checking me out cuz he wanna fight. Especially when its at places like the damn mall or at a str8 club. Lmfao

    1. I can’t tell either. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a clear sign, so I just err on the side of caution and assume that it can’t be.

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