ryan clearly and his bae made me realize something within myself

i don’t want to say i’ve given up on love,
but i’ve taken a hiatus.
i’ve spent so many years desperately looking for a wolf,
but these days,
i find more joy being happy and content with myself.
i appreciate other males,
and how good they look,
but “good looks” doesn’t always lead to a “good man”.
hell,
neither is an ugly or “nice” one.
it’s no secret that a majority of males are trash.
after getting my heart broken a few times,
or falling for the wrong wolves,
i’ve found peace learning to love myself.
i was a whole mess out here.
when i see videos of ryan cleary and his new bae tho…

and then this video of him cooking:

while watching “game of thrones”:

…it makes me realize that i’ll find someone to share these moments with.
he is out there,
somewhere.

i was to blame in a lot of my situations tho.
i had a nasty habit of trying to rush into things.
my eagerness,
desperation,
blind optimism,
and extreme dehydration all allowed me to be an easy target in getting hurt.
these days,
i find so much more comfort with going in the flow.
i joke around about sex,
but i’m not comfortable jumping on a new dick so quick.
i had to learn all of these things to get comfortable within myself.

You can’t find someone else when you can’t even find you.

so i pray that this year is the year i meet “him”.
if not,
it might be next year or the year after that.
i’m not in a rush.
i hated me for a long time.
i’m starting to like this fox i never wanted to exist.

i hope ryan and his bae are able to last for the long haul.
i’m sending them much love from the foxhole.

lowkey: is it wrong that i fantasize about having a cub?
ya’ll know i can’t stand kids,
but the wolf of my dreams will be the father to my cub(s).
i cannot believe i fonted that out loud.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

23 thoughts on “ryan clearly and his bae made me realize something within myself

  1. Trust me there maybe someone out there you have already crossed paths with but due to maturity level it just did not work out. But also those before the “one” has prepared you actually love, appreciate and cherish the one when the time is right.

  2. I must say it’s nice seeing black love (even when one of them is technically a non-passing biracial) in a society that makes it so easy shit on your own. I wish Ryan and his beau all the best…

    Now, for me, I’m no longer making a relationship a priority. Right now, I’m taking the advice of my gay “dad” (wish there were more dads/mentors in the black gay community and not these trifling-ass daddies to guide the gay-bies) and work on improving myself and achieving my goals and aspirations. I’m sure I’ll have a man by the end of my 10 year plan, so no need to rush things.

    Great post, Jamari!

  3. Just because the gay community says life ends at 25 doesn’t make it so. With medicine, these genes and my beautiful brown skin I intend to look young till AT LEAST 80. I am very content and at peace. I’ve stopped comparing myself to others. I am so focused on myself I don’t have time to chase people. When people see you grinding, they either hate, respect or support it. If someone comes along who can match my vibe, he is welcome to jog alongside me. But nobody is getting on this ride. You have legs. Keep it moving, always. #prenup

  4. The sad reality is some of us may never get that. Not to be “negative” but this must be said. After 27yrs of no one im convinced love ain’t for everybody.

  5. Chile, gays want Future and will ignore a Russell.

    We don’t know how to date because we’re all men who prefer men who can fulfill our sexual desires instead of someone we can build with. I’ve seen men turn down educated, cutltured, attractive men for broke unemployed DL trade.

    When we do better… we get better.

    1. I see no hit dogs wanted to admit they hollered! I love how bitter that community penis Future is that Ciara moved on.

    2. They’ll want a “Russell” after they’ve fucked all of the “Future’s” in several cities, done porn, became a tranny, gotten addicTed, gone back to being a man, escorted, stripped, done nude sip and paint under the guise of modeling, caught every std known and unknown to man, made an Only Fans, done more escorting, and been declared undetectable which really means 0 HIV transmissions after 89,000 condomless acts!

      The real story is that people should stop looking at social media to verify and validate what a real relationship entails. For every pic a so-called “cute” couple posts there’s an explosive argument. People only post what they want us to see. It’s called social catfishing and (un)fortunately it all comes out in the wash.

      1. The accuracy of this took me out lol. It be these same types that cry on social media about the lack of relationships in our community and wanting a “soulmate”. I honestly can’t take none of them seriously.

  6. Chi..it’s like I walked into a lost episode of Noah’s Arc up in here. So okay…How I’m looking at this love thing.

    I’m really interested in the idea of this “finding a person”. I can honestly say that being rich, having bachelor degrees, fancy clothes & being pretty ain’t it. If that was the case, you wouldn’t see so many of these types still alone, insane or escorting or whatever.

    Hm, Jamari, I believe you have a good grasp of things already. I watched the vids with pretty much a blank expression. Not because I have a bf or anything (only because I say it every so often) but folks that do vids like these are annoying.

    I think I used to look at vids a long time ago and “long” but I don’t do that shit no more. I stopped it before I had a bf anyways but point is…I asked myself. “Why in the fuck am I looking at some strangers relationship & desiring it for my own?” Like, what people show you online may be a different beast behind closed doors. If I can look at something and be triggered by a negative reaction the Universe most surely counts that as meaning uplifting my lack. I could sit up and plan and say this and that from my mouth but since the Universe reads from within, it still processed that I felt I had lack and so I get exactly what I felt, lack. Shit like this is always something to deal with for Cancers because we feel but on the opposite end, being feelers means Cancers and manifest shit real quick if they on point like the supposed to be.

    One day I asked myself, “What can a boyfriend give me that my best friend can’t? Besides dick?” My bf is like a friend I can fuck. I got to know him like my friend but not with the intention of sharing a “kinship” I had the intent of fucking him. I’m was flirty and looked at him in a way. I remember catching looking at me one day when I was talking to some friends. He had that look as he was leaving and I caught him.

    You know that look dudes give you. That mischievous, I’m gonna fuck you look. The closest example I can think of is when Omar Epps looked at Saanna in Love and Basketball when they were at the prom and she looked up at him and he had that look on his face. You’d swear it was something I had thought of from a movie & maybe my subconscious kept that image all this time until I was ready for it…? Hm.

    Idk maybe this is easier for me than others cause I’m a sapiosexual but I hardly ever look at a couple and be like…I wish I could have that, expecting a blue Will Smith to appear out of nowhere with a Build a Boyfriend or something. But if you see something and desire it positively and set a goal for it, that shit is being put in place for you as we speak. The Universe is probably preparing you for it. Something I realize now and charge to the game. When it comes it comes, until then I just do me. 🤷‍♂️

  7. Jamari I want you to understand that social media can play a trick on your mind.

    It’s so easy to see people “in love” “having fun” “being happy” “perfect” and next minute we see breakups, suicides, murders.

    I see happy people in relationships all the time and I also find myself talking them into staying with their partners, or talk them out of cheating on their partners. All this shit is smoke and mirrors.

    Now I am not saying that there aren’t happy couples out there, of course there are and that’s great but that doesn’t mean perfect or happy.

    When the cameras stop people have to deal with each other and deal with the world and in that instance they are very much every day people like you and I.

    This is a beautiful couple, cool but one of them is in the limelight it’s easy for him to get anyone he wants. That means the people with him aren’t necessarily there for anything other than clout.

    What I’ve noticed about gay men especially living in dc is that it’s all about “what do you do?” And “How what you do can make me shine!” Just users and users I tell you.

    Mama always said God will never take away anything that was meant For you.

    1. ^i love this comment jay.

      you showed the other side of the “insta-couples” that we all get lost in.
      its similar to the “good lives” that we see on ig.
      people always forget relationships are hard work.
      it’s not always just posing and smiling.
      you are dealing with another human that you have to mend and gel with.
      sometimes,
      their ways may piss you off.
      folks don’t last because they are well in between the honeymoon phase.

      i love the part about the “users” too.
      that seems to be in every community.
      they often wonder why they never get anywhere past instagram.
      it’s better to be genuine and have friends of all value.

      excellent comment to unpack jay!

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