when i saw his phone the last time we saw each other,
i already knew the answer.
the screen was cracked the fuck up,
chips was missing from the armor,
and it was completely broken down.
i asked him:

“omg why does your phone look like that?
it never looked like that when we hung up.”

he didn’t answer.
he knew the answer as much as i did too.
he always had a phone case and screen protector.
he actually gave a fuck about those things when i was in his life.
when we were together…

i had him looking good.
i picked out his clothes and had him looking swagged up.
there was things that would enhance his look that he fought against,
but when he did followed my suggestions,
everyone commented on how good he looked.
vixens wanted to fuck him.
i basically had him looking like the wolf i would date.
that was the problem right there.

I had him looking like if he was mine.

during that short time as “friends”,
he was interested in getting his life together.
i activated that within him.
he saw how i carried myself and wanted to do the same.
once he ghosted me with the worst cold shoulder i ever experienced,
he started to make a ton of mistakes.

it started with everyone suddenly knowing his business.
he ran his mouth to all the big mouths.
suddenly,
he had every kind of rumor.
liar liar,
the “prize” he always chased,
was the first telling his business.
it trickled down into material possessions.
he bought things to try and impress others.
with that,
it came more bills and regrets.

when a foxholer named blum,
left this comment in the entry about “dear white people”,
it left me with thought:

I wanted to relate to Troy the most in the beginning. The ambitious, charming type that seems to be in the up-n-up.
That’s the type of person I always wanted to be and surround myself with. But then, I realized I was Coco:

Insecure, but strategic and the real power behind the throne.

How many of us sacrifice our own intellect and ambition propping someone else up because they are the ideal figure we want to be, but in reality, it’s all a facade.
Troy.
was.
nothing.
on his own and clearly was operating under the auspices of Coco who just wanted him to be successful and she put her ambitions on hold for that.

Story time: I’ve spent several semesters trying to aid this guy at my school, helping him with assignments, his own Greek career and his extracurriculars which have poised him as a big guy on campus and awarded a huge student leader award.

And I did it because I liked him, but In reality, I was just an assist. There was no commitment back. I can’t even get a response text now and I realize that all of that wasted time I should have been investing in me.

For those progressive and ambitious Coco’ s out there, please, do it for you. Do not sacrifice any of your time and effort building a champion. Be your own. Too many lost dreams are lost because we set them sail on the wrong ship.

   that was like me.
i was lionel and coco,
but in another lane.
i was so busy trying to build someone up who didn’t appreciate me,
that i completely lost myself.
work wolf benefited when i was there.
i saw a “champion” in him.
i saw someone who was lost and just needed a little guidance.
i should have seen the truth.
i saw me but in him.
the truth is he never saw himself the way i saw him.
he was always trying to impress everyone else,
and be what he thought they wanted him to be,
that i would never move past those insecurities.
i realize i will invest all that energy in me now.
i’m not building up another wolf again unless we are together.
ironically,
his new alleged vixen’s phone screen is cracked the fuck up too.