i need to learn to shut off my emotions…
i guess thats what life and my fuck ups have been telling me.
i care entirely too much.
once that happens,
it leads to OD amounts of over thinking and self blaming.
after that happens,
i’m left burnt out and in need of ice cream.
well not really…
the crazy part is the issue ends up not even being that serious.
the movie in my head tho…
the one where i end up feeling like i’m a fool…
that one is the problem.
i’m learning that life is better when stop giving a fuck.
even when i’m out of fucks,
i still find one hidden somewhere to use.
i guess i just don’t know how.
like i told a foxholer i talk to in emails:
my parents did a number on me
its not that i’m a bad fox.
i’d like to think i’m a damn good person.
my resume of friendships proves that.
its the other things i care about…
the things that don’t matter….
the people who don’t care about me….
its that shit that makes me feel like i lose every time.
sometimes its good to care,
as it means i’m not totally cold,
but i’d rather learn to not give my attention to certain things.
when i say someone is a “(he)bitch”,
thats what i mean.
someone who doesn’t give a fuck about anything outside their circle.
i want to be that person.
i often ask myself if i really can be?
they say you can’t fully change your thought process.
over the years,
you developed behavior that is now part of “you”.
your parents assisted in molding you into this person.
then you go to school,
meet some fucked up people,
and they add to your experiences.
you get out into the real world and BAM!
“this is me in all my glory!
lovvvveee me bitches!”
not realizing that YOU are a complete mess.
how do you change into being a better person?
and what is a better person anyway?
is it someone people like?
or is it someone YOU like?
finding a good therapist is like a game of “where’s waldo”,
church gives you a temporary high until lunch,
and pep talks from your friends only makes you feel good until the next situation.
so what do you do?
how do you fix your issues and keep the switches off?