Lost love.
Have you ever lost someone you thought was the one for you?
Maybe they could have been the one?
Did they cheat on you?
Did you cheat on them?
Were you moody?
Did you use them?
Did you do something that turned them off?
Do you regret it?
Today is one of those days of reflection.
I’m kind of at work in a dream state.
I’m not doing anything today (my boss and co workers just don’t know that).
So here is the deal…
and I’m sure being honest like this is not good for potential Wolves trying to sniff me out.
But fuck it.
I’m honest enough with myself to admit it.
Now Jamari isn’t going soft on you guys with this revelation.
You know I am all about confidence, premium appeal, and turning your Wolf into “Daddy”….
But…
I will admit that I have never been in a loving relationship with a Wolf.
I have been in ships and those ships sailed into the horizon.
I have met Wolves, had fun with Wolves, been hurt with Wolves, and also jumped ship before I felt anymore pain.
Maybe if I stayed a little longer with these Wolves,
instead of cursing them out for being idiots,
would they have stayed longer?
I have a Wolf that is a major blip on my radar tell me he knows that I will sabotage “us” before we start.
That kind of hurt my feelings…. because I fear it maybe true.
And you know the truth hurts.
I have this thing were I will be respected.
I want to be treated fairly and I want my man to acknowledge me as the best to ever do it.
I want to build an empire with my Wolf, rather than building a Lego Block House of Happiness.
But, I’m scared.
I’m scared to fall for someone so hard and he hurts me over some bullshit.
To the point that when I hit the ground,
I’m like one of these other Foxes who can’t get it together for weeks.
With the past Wolves,
I am sure everything worked itself out in the end.
Maybe I was saved from something that could have fucked me up?
Life has a way of rewarding people when they get hurt by others.
Why do you think celebrities do what they do?
But, can our insecurities block us from truly being ourselves in finding a Wolf?
Are we so use to hurting that we pessimistically put everyone in a “box”?
And, at what point do we finally let go?
Finally, maybe the reason we haven’t found anyone is because we simply can’t handle it?
God does have a way of making you learn a failed lesson over and over…
When it comes to looking for love, loving a Wolf, but hurting because of a past Wolf…
Could your heart get broken? Yes, yes it can. Now what? Are you gonna be afraid of that your whole life or are you willing to take the risk? No risk, no reward. If you wanna spend your whole life pining for something you’re afraid to go after, then you can just wrap things up now – unplug the lights & go home. God isn’t gonna reward you for sitting on your azz, too afraid of the dark to move/do something.
Now I’m not saying be resonably cautious & recognize signs that your man/woman is stepping out/doesn’t feel the same, just stop sabatoging your relationships. This ‘Oh, Imma leave first/get him before he hurts me’ is tired…plus anyone who IS interested would stay away because you’re too afraid to let someone love you.
I’m been heartbroken; at the time it was the worst thing I ever felt. YET, I got through it. YET, I grew stronger. YET, I emerged wiser, and no – my world didn’t end. And I would do it again, and hopefully use what I learned to protect myself better. When you give your heart to someone, you don’t know what they will do with it (family, friend or lover), it’s just the risk you take – because the reward is SOOOO much greater. I would be a cold, evil, nasty muhfugga if I closed my heart off…I can’t do that.
So there it is – now what you gonna do?
When reading this, it made me think of first “real” realationship that lasted 5 years and ended last year on New Years Eve, talk about bringing in the New Year with cheer, -_-. I will admit it hurt like a mothafuka and for the first time I cried over a dude and I dont cry over anything. But I was just thought its cool for you to cry, he was a major part of your life for five years that involved alot of good memories and a nightmare. I think our fear to hurt and be lost can cripple anything we do, because that hesitation is what blocks a potential opportunity.
I made it my goal to just take a chance, I’m not losing anything but gaining so much more from the experience. I still love that man but we will never be again because you only get on chance to hurt deeply hurt Nerd, and thats it.
Real words bro…I can relate to what your saying.
I’m always happy when you push things like this at us J because it helps each of us with our own inner battles. Being gay, add in being black in a racist world, forces us to deal with entirely different and more damaging issues than our straight and racial counterparts. I did it though. I opened my heart after my first love and guess what?…it got broken again. So I was determined to never get caught up in that again…I guess that’s partly the reason I like straight and/or DL wolfs so much because it afforded me no-strings sex and alone time but I was a fool to think that it would last forever. To think it was sufficient for me to survive. I’m human, we all are, so its easy to go down the wrong path in our daily lives so we must learn to be our own guide sometimes. Allow our minds to see right from wrong and own up to that which we really seek within.
^ you made excellent words there Mr.
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I feel every word you wrote, I fell for a man that i saw everyday in my city’s transit, when he first saw me I felt he was feeling me, and i wanted him to want me but I am and was to scared to look at him in the eyes, let alone say something, i have been in this place for some time now, i know that until I let go fear I will stay alone, I am looking for a partner not just sex, men scare me because they are full of games, and mess, I deal in true self I am fem and I know men can not be who they really are, black women and hiv is proof of that, but i want to spend the last part of 2011 working on my fear and letting it go, I am alive but I am not living, fear of people and of letting people in my inner space is hard, TO GOD BE THE GLORY
^good words jolette!
you will find your Wolf.
He is on the way.
God has it all planned out.