they say in the bible:
“to much is given,
much is tested…”
well i think thats in the bible.
either way i had a thought tonight while i lay on the couch.
the thought was has anyone gotten to where they needed to be,
into the relationship of their dreams,
or even just lived an overall better life,
by just being tested to all extremes?
i had to wonder…
Do we really achieve greatness after great tests?
my boss and i went at it again.
walked out her office.
in my face.
full tilt bitch.
screaming at me.
in front of everyone.
it got to the point i saw myself getting my shit and walking out.
it was like she was taunting me to do so.
i was actually embarrassed.
all eyes were on me and everyone was waiting for my next move.
“can you please stop yelling at me?”
“NO…
YOU STOP TALKING…
YOU STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW!”
…and all because of an issue that was so tiny.
one that i can take the blame for.
nothing that required the reaction that she gave me.
for the rest of the day,
it felt uneasy.
everyone was expecting me to quit.
liar liar came up to me asking if i was okay afterwards.
super side eye.
i held my head high and acted like it didn’t happen.
sidebar: you ever felt like you had to edit yourself?
like…
the way you WANTED to react,
you know it wouldn’t be good for you in the end?
thats how i felt today.
i felt like i wanted to throw the fuckin’ computer across the room.
but i digress.
i already drafted up an email to my alliances right after that scene.
oh you can beeleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee dat.
that thor hammer was coming down on a bitch head like:
before i was suppose to leave,
i was called into her office at 4:30-ish.
“we need to talk about earlier today…”
she apologized for being “a bitch” as she said.
as she spoke,
i looked directly in her eyes.
i didn’t break eye contact with her.
i made sure to speak about my true feelings about the job,
didn’t bite my tongue,
and personally had no fucks to give anymore.
i did take responsibility for my side,
but i also spoke to her in the part she also played.
how liar liar does what she does best.
how everyone always has this and that to say,
but i continue to be the hardest worker there.
her answer:
“well this just how this job is.
you either need to deal with it or leave.”
…in so many words.
when i left her office to go home,
i started to feel sad.
sad she didn’t fire me.
sad that it has come to “this”.
screaming matches and “kinda sorta” apologies.
this job started out great in the other department.
once i was moved,
it has been one test after another.
i am over it.
i’ve said it a million times,
but today really emphasized it ending for me.
i felt a break in the atmosphere that i passed something as well.
at the end of all great tests,
when you do pass,
i always feel like you just “know”.
when its time to end a relationship,
a job,
an addiction,
or anything thing else that isn’t good for you.
you just “know”.
it feels like you hit rock bottom.
once on the ground,
you can see the light above you to the next path.
you feel enlightened.
i felt like today was the end to the beginning.
if the job ended for me on monday,
i know that i:
did my best
had a genuine spirit
i also came out of it with a ton of lessons for the future.
i learned a lot of different personalities and how to handle them.
i think i passed whatever it is i was suppose to learn.
i just don’t know why i’m not feelin’ happy tho.
you should have mad an appointment with HR to discuss her behavior. For her to carry on like that, with everyone watching, is not appropriate behavior for any supervisor/manager/etc. Secondly, when you discussed the events of the “berating” (we’ll just call it that) with her…her answer was VERY, and I stress to you, VERY inappropriate. I only wish that you could have recorded that session with your phone (and just so you know, you do have the right to record conversations like that, as long as you let them know beforehand), she may not have played her hand because she knew it was being recorded…but she would know that you aren’t playing games.
It’s obvious by her comment that they want you gone, but they don’t want to fire you…so you don’t collect unemployment.
Play their game, papi. As I said to you before…let them know that you know they’re playing bullshit games. Like Liar Liar threw you the side eye…throw that trick a wink and a smile.
You had it somewhat correct. “To whom much is given, much is required.” Yes we do achieve greatness, because the trying of our faith prepares us to handle the pending level of greatness with strength and humility instead of with an attitude of entitlement. And if you have truly done nothing to deserve the attack from her then just pray for her and leave it all to God.
This too shall pass jamari! I can totally relate to this blog entry with me being bullied in school and dealing with nasty teachers and students and nasty people in general. I passed my test and so will you! Stay blessed and strong jamari!
I know your spirits are low and you don’t know where else to go. I would hate this job to turn you into a bitter person, please keep looking for work ( I know you are already) just do it times 100. Any free time you get be on the hunt for another job, it woun’t be long until you’re in the career on your dreams.
The thing that kills me is you already told her you would take full responsibility for the tiny problem, so why did she feel the need to react like that. She knew she was in the wrong that’s why she tried to come at you with that wack ass sorry. I bet ………..you know what No, I know there are people there who have made worst mistakes there and she handled it differently. She was right about one thing, she is a bitch.
I don’t think you should want to get fired, but you should hope that it gets better soon. I remember how you felt when your finances were not tight.
You have to understand that some of these jobs make it their mission to beat you down so you don’t expect more!
I’ve experienced it myself. They already have the people that have been there in line, but they need to check the new ones to make sure they don’t fuck up the system that screws everyone but those at the top.
You’re young, black, efficient, and you probably do things in a different but effective way. You have neither the appearance, nor the mentality of a hood rat or a black person that needs a white savior. That alone threatens people. She might think you’ll get a degree and maybe take her job one day.
Most times these jobs don’t want to come off more money either.
Trust I’ve been there and I still can’t believe I’m finally away from that place. Yeah I’m in between jobs now, but I have my peace back!
I remember on my last day my the nurse supervisor and my nurse manager were both in the office and they both told me I was one of their favorites.
Shit, I know I was, but they never paid me what I was worth!
I tell people all the time to not take a good job for granted, even if its a little less than what you would like pay wise. A nurturing, good work environment and a understanding, fair boss is well worth it.
It sound like your boss was pmsing. Have you ask her for a transfer yet? I know its annoying to ask, but sometime you gotta be a woodpecker to get what you want.
Sorry J. Thats a rough way to end the week. To answer your question, yes, I do believe we achieve greatness through great tests. I have endured some of the same negative interactions in my work place. In the moment, it feels horrible, but looking back, it’s taught me so much about myself and my personal power. I will give you the same advice a close friend gave me after my boss blew up at me, “people can sense your talent, your greatness, and some are threatened by it.” I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. You may not see it now, but trust me, soon you will. Bravo, for not losing your cool. Keep your head up and your eyes on the prize. Your current position is temporary. Not everyone can say that.
ps
Even Oprah had some a**hole bosses in her day and sure enough, in time she got her just desserts.
^thank you so much diamond.
very inspiring comment.
eta: i came home tonight,
laid on the couch,
and just looked at the ceiling.
i had no energy to write anything.
hell i think i plotted the many ways i can try to get fired.
i just want this to end without me walking out the door on my own.
god has to see my out of this situation.
i am begging him for a way out.
No problem.
Trust me, I know the feeling. Either way you will be fine. Don’t let it get the best of you. Release it before you fall asleep.
I surrender all, all to Jesus I surrender all, I too have had to and still have to trust Jesus . You have got the lesson , God will now give you what you need ,and not just what you want, and yes he is a on time God . Run to him in all you need and just ask ,from your heart , ask in Jesus name but you need to pry for those who hurt you, J you have so much love on your page ,because of you I have got through so much pain, without even knowing you . You helped me get over a crush ,you and the fans ,yes God is real and he only asks that we come to him first, he is our father,J thank you for all you share,I love you and I can say that you saved me and so many others ,that is how God uses others.all in his name lord all in his name.
It’s also a case of you let alone noone should be treated in this manner! It’s horrific! Isn’t there someone you can report her to?
^i sent mr green an email when i got off work,
plus i sent a “the things we spoke about” receipt cc’n both,
so we will see monday.
tbh i’m ready to be fired now.
this job is past its expiration date.
sheesh, like why she had to challenge you? Vent how you feel, and I feel you need to defend yourself in this hellish situation picking on you. I would call foul though she could careless? Find some who actually care to change this problematic situation with all the hard copy evidence. Put it to use pls, you don’t deserve this treatment.
^thanks myolox.
i’m probably going to send my alliances an email,
but i’m asking myself do i really want to stay at this job?