as i sit here in the dark,
candles lit,
nice r&b playing,
there is a nice chill,
…and i am somewhere alone.
i have sailed away to a place of pure solitude.
but, the silence is so loud that i need air plugs.
i look around at this bright canvas in front of me and I contemplate to write something.
my mind is all over the place.
i think of one sentence and it forms 17 others.
i need to let some feelings out though.
wait, what are you doing up, anyway?

well here goes…

this lifestyle can get pretty fucking lonely.
majority of your time is by yourself.
you are full of questions about who you are and why you aren’t…
you find yourself making intricate plans on how to meet someone else.

well, who knew that you would just bump into a nigga on the online corner.
you both connect and it felt close to a life orgasm.
the same feeling like winning the lottery.
then a series of things happen…
texts go to calls.
calls go to face-time.
face-time goes to face time.

perfect…
…right?

 you start to realize you don’t feel it anymore.
that honeymoon phase lasted two good weeks.
you realize, “wow i can’t build with this dude…”
shit you can’t even build a lego castle with him at this point.
you start asking questions and realize he isn’t on your level.
there is no oomph after all.
you don’t want to pull his clothes off with your teeth.
you don’t even want him to come to your crib.

but, he thinks you are the world.
he thinks you are the sexiest muthafucka to ever grace this side of the earth.
shit, you are but that’s besides the point.
you aren’t like “the others” he is talking too.
he calls, texts, and even makes the effort…
…. but you are drifting towards “let’s be friends!”.

he isn’t ugly at all.
he could do a few push ups.
he needs to stop smoking.
the drinking is a turn off.
judgement because you quit is not necessary.
his job is minimum wage.
he is a mama’s boy.
she enables his bad habits.
he can be a brat.
his smiley faces in texts are cute.
he did listen when you had a huge problem.
he does text you to say good morning.
he doesn’t do it at night.
he is occupied with his hoes.
he forgets about them during the day and it’s all about you.
he is dying to fuck you.
all the others did on the first meet up.
you think this is why he isn’t going anywhere.
he is patient.
he loves that you aren’t afraid to tell him how you feel.
he likes your attitude.
you are sure his list is smaller.

…over him.
he isn’t the one.
but, i’ll talk to him when i’m lonely.