I Have A Heart Problem (Due To Past Addictions)

i always love the definition of “savage mode”.
it’s when you have no fucks to give and express it through actions.
now for some,
it can be used to hurt the innocent.
the ones who are totally fed up use it to let others now:

“I Ain’t that One”

it also seems like a lonely life to live every single day.
i feel savage mode should be turned on and off.
give it when it needs to be given.
you know what
has been hurting me the most lately?
well i’ll tell you…

Giving your power to someone/thing

it is like an addiction.
it can be the hardest thing to get yourself off.
i can maintain my shopping addiction,
and i’m not falling victim to drug/alcohol/sex addictions,
but i’m starting to realize that my addiction is people.
before it use to be strangers.
i would care so much what any random thought of me.
if they said my outfit looked bad,
then i’d go home and burn it.
i grew out of that.
now it’s “those i have/had a connection” with.

people often tell me:

“You need to leave them alone.”

…and i’m left wondering,
they didn’t do anything to me that required an unfollow.
they all still support me on random things.
i’m the one who has way too many emotions invested.
i always have this motto of:

“if someone does the same to me,
then i’ll do the same to them.”

…but i think that does more harm than good,
because when “whoever” isn’t there for me,
then i end up taking it real personal.
it also means that i’ll always come running for them out of “people pleasing”.
“good ol dependable jamari” will always be there.
i did/do with work wolf and even my last job.
i want to stop doing what i use to do.
i don’t want to make it a habit in my recent new relationships also.
i’m tired of always being there for those who get “too comfortable” with me.
as soon as they pull away,
i start chasing emotionally.
that is my issue.
maybe i can’t fix my past persona with others,

Is it too late to try?

maybe no one can relate to this,
or maybe you do,
but i figured i’d font it on internet paper to release.

thanks for reading.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

17 thoughts on “I Have A Heart Problem (Due To Past Addictions)”

  1. “i’m tired of always being there for those who get “too comfortable” with me.”

    I used to have this problem, but when I started really looking at things I began to notice that I was doing more for the people around me than they were for me. I don’t look for people to do that, but at some point you have to contribute SOMETHING to the relationship/friendship. Once I noticed that, I started leaving people alone. Once you do that though, everyone will say that YOU changed…YOU copped an attitude or you’re too good to associate with them any longer.

    Break it down to them what the situation is, why you’re no longer really associating with them (you’re a fuckin’ leech draining my life force), and then move on. Lol

    If you find it starting to happen again with the new people in your life…you have to nip it in the bud as soon as possible. Tell them Jamari’s Psychiatric Services Clinic is closed for business!

      1. You will have to say something at some point or another. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself reliving the previous scenarios. This is a new year and you want to progress, not regress!

        Speak up! You don’t have to do it in a negative manner (unless they take it there), but you have to let them know that YOU take precedence over everything else. You can also let them know you will be there if needed, just not as much as before…because you have other things going on.

  2. This is me to a T, I’ve said it before but people can sense what kind of person I am from just meeting me off bat , a nice pushover. I’m still getting my shit together but I’m there for a lot of people in my life in ways they can’t be for me and it gets draining.

    I just started therapy about a month ago and my therapist has me opening my eyes to things I’ve known all along. It’s hard because you see yourself as a good person doing good for others but than you think why can’t I get the guys I want to be into me? ( not in a friendship kind of way). Why do I keep allowing people to take my kindness for weakness? ( maybe because it is weakness, weakness for wanting to be loved and accepted).

    It’s hard for me to see myself being a savage when being the nice caring one is a role I’ve done for so long. I’m hopeful with this new year and therapy I’ll make some changes.

    1. ^i love this!!!
      congrats on being in therapy!
      now i’m getting a much better health insurance,
      i can look for someone exceptional.

      if you don’t mind sharing,
      what has your therapist said to help solve the issue?

      1. One of the exercises she had me do was close my eyes and imagine my younger 7 year old self when I had much more self confidence. She told me would your younger self be ok will how you let people treat you? could you see your younger self doing what it is you do now?

      2. ^See if that was me I’d be in trouble…and in jail! My younger self did not give two fucks and was quick to knock you upside the head if you said something I didn’t like.

    2. Don’t see your kindness as weakness. Those who take advantage of it are opportunists or self-centered individuals who don’t give a fuck. You just need to recognize that and then move away from those people, especially if they continuously do the same thing(s). Believe me, there are people who appreciate what you do for them.

      It may be hard to see yourself behaving that way, but trust me, there comes a point when you get fed up and say enough is enough…time to get rid of the excess baggage. You just have to get comfortable pointing out to the people, what it is they’re doing/saying that makes you want to step back.

      Be prepared to hear that you think you’re better than others or you’re feelin’ yourself, etc. But it’s them getting mad because they know a good thing is coming to an end.

  3. I get it Jamari, you have a good heart, and no it’s never too late to start over. At least you recognized the issue and trying to fix it. One, thing about me and it’s so pathetic I have no close friends. I been hurt in my teenage years from people so I always keep people at a distance. With me keeping my sexuality discrete is also a factor. In 2017 that’s something I’m trying to change. Now I’m in my late 20s, I want to change that I want a boyfriend and a close friend or two that can relate too me. Sorry Jamari, I’m rambling and venting and suppose to be trying to help you.

    1. You’re not pathetic at all Eric. It’s okay. I’m like you. I have close friends, but none of them know my sexuality (well, not explicitly) so I can’t really be “close, close” with them or anyone for that matter, if that makes any sense. It’s okay to be scared, but try to let some people in. It’s good to have at least one healthy relationship. You don’t have to put your all into it. It’s never too late to change and you’re still young! I’m trying to learn to “take advantage of my youth” (and I’m struggling y’all) because I’m already so withdrawn, but I don’t want to look back at my life and say that I let my youth slip by, but honestly, it’s not looking good for me :/ lol. So I’m trying to change. I would like someone (romantically) too, but I’m still lost in that department. trust me, I can relate Eric.

      1. You know Dignified, I know there are others like us. I’m guessing your discrete with your sexuality as well. I feel if we were out, we could open ourselves up to others and not keep everything so bottled up. I also understand the comment about not enjoying your youth. Yes I have partied, drank, and all that, but still I’m missing something. In 2017 I told myself that I’m shedding the old me. As, you’ll know I frequent the gym a lot and you’ll also know I love me some muscleheads. So I have been trying to relax my resting bitch face and speak to the dudes, and find ways of interacting with them, and it’s working some break their necks speaking to me. I just want to enjoy the rest of my 20s and I don’t feel like I am since I’m not being open with my sexuality. I don’t know if a change is about to happen to me, but lately I don’t care what people think of me. I have lived my life to make everyone happy around me, and the end result has been making me miserable. I want to experience being so in love that I just start cheesing like a cheshire cat thinking about my dude. I think it’s so cute, when I see young gay black men in love with their partner, I want all that.

      2. You’re right, I keep my life under wraps for sure, but I’m sure there is some speculation going on. I was working today and this gay couple came in and they weren’t overly effeminate neither masculine, and they just looked so happy to be together. I’ve never experienced anything like that, where you could just be yourself with somebody and they accept all of you.
        I felt like they could smell the gay right off me LOL!

        In any case, I want to try your approach as well for 2017, “living in the moment”. I want to travel etc. and I’ve always had a problem with “just doing it”, I’m always planning, planning, calculating. Yeah,I’m done with that. Minimal planning, maximum DOING this year! (I’ll try!)

  4. Beautiful topic and comments… Jamari if you ever feel like this blog is not helping anyone… Please don’t!!!! it speaks volume… some things I don’t agree with and then there are things that hits right at home for me.. keep up the Good work…

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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