i feel like black gays are more hetero-normative tbh

for years,
i have seen gays scolding other gays living a “hetero-normative life“.
i guess that means not living like how the straights live and i get that.
gays have a lot more freedom and disposable income.
does it seem like straight males are trying to emulate our lives these days?
so i had to wonder…

What does a homo-normative life entail?

is it being a sexual deviant?
open relationships?

throwing the best shade?
the real question…

Why is that anyone’s business how people within this life choose to live?

how does that personally affect us?
folks don’t want to be like the straights but within this gay life,
they have been in 7 relationships that haven’t worked yet.
the one they did like violated and wanted an open relationship,
which i hate to be the bearer of bad news but:

“He doesn’t like fuckin’ you anymore.”

we need to discuss how we don’t have a community within the community.
do some of us even know what being a “friend” is?
is it these muscle groups that travel and fuck together on social media?
our dc muscle wolf,
seems to learn the hard way:

( x see what we are chatting about in the backrooms )

i feel like we have more important things to worry about.
we need to highlight healthy relationships regardless of how it’s done.
if you choose to be a feral hoe,
being “the vixen” or being “the wolf” in the relationship…
we need to let others be and mind the business that pays us.

When white gays want to be strict foxes,
and kangaroos
NO ONE has anything to say about what they do.
They thirst for BBC heavy and get slayed happily from the bottom view.

…and if someone says shit about “dying lonely”,
you need to tell them we all will probably be dying alone anyway.
we didn’t slide out our mama coochies with a friend or partner so…

lowkey: is it me or are the straights and gays more alike?
i feel there is no difference besides the sex part of it.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

20 thoughts on “i feel like black gays are more hetero-normative tbh”

    1. ^so my question is…

      what if some gay fox out there truly likes that?
      is there someone for him?
      just like there is someone out there with all the traits we desire?

      1. Truly likes what part exactly? I kinda said a mouthful. If you mean being submissive in general, that’s fine. Like I said, there’s being yourself, and then there’s thinking that you’re supposed to be X because you want/like Y.

        We should always be ourselves. That said, (not to you Jamari, but ppl in general) don’t dim your own light and minimize yourself and your own interests trying to endear yourself to preconceived notions of ‘what a man wants’. Hell black women are finally speaking up about how generations of putting men before themselves has gotten them nowhere.

  1. You’re right Jamari. Black gay men ARE waaay more obsessed w heteronormativity.

    When speaking about heteronormativity, I’m speaking on the narrow gender roles ppl associate w the 2 parties in a relationship. We’ve grown up seeing the man be the man, and the woman bring thr woman, due to visible m4m relationships being an extremely new thing. While ppl are products of their own environments, those who know better, should also do better.

    The issue is gay men realizing that being attracted to men has nothing to do w gender roles. If you identify as gender fluid and all that, fine, but one doesn’t have to assume a submissive (not sexual) position because they want a man, but they’ve only seen men w women all of their lives. That’s a by product of living in a heteronormativity society. They’re the masses, no getting around that. So, then why are we trying to construct our relationships as mirror images of that over in lgbtqia- land?

    On a personal level, as a naturally masculine man who shows up in the world presumed straight by the masses, sooo many interested men feel some arbitrary need to take on a submissive/’catering to’ approach w me. Masculinity is associated w hetero men, so there’s often this default idea that I’ll want a man to submit and let me be ‘the man’. Meanwhile, I could go date a traditional woman if I wanted to be ‘the man’.

    And it’s an issue across the entire spectrum. You have a bunch of fragile masc men running around who try their damnest to emulate hetero. Bro, why are you dating men if you don’t care to enjoy anything exclusive to a man? Go make ur life easy and get you a wife n kids n be an ‘I don’t suck dik’, ‘total top’. She gives head and does anal in 2022.

    And again, this has nothing to do w sex ‘roles’. A man can default into that submissive ‘role’, based on his heteronormative existence, and enjoy topping. We watch fem men top and masc men bottom all day in porn, so its pefectly possible for sexual interests to have nothing to do with gender role stereotypes.

    On a sex note, someone sort of implied that 2 fem dudes being together was bs. Why tho? White guys do it all the time. And 2 masc dudes (blk or white)together is as common as a dollar bill. It’s usually because of the sex part. Are you willing to forgo love because of an interest or lack thereof, in a specific sex act? Since the gays love heteronormativity so damn much, they should know that straights accommodate their partners in the sack all the time. If you’re willing to let a dope, non sexually rigid person go BECAUSE of your sexual rigidity, that’s on you.

    If I had a nickel for every 30 something gay man who I’ve heard speak about how they thought they were supposed to perform femininity because they knew they were gay… That’s not a dig on more fem/gender fluid/etc ppl at all. Being yourself doesn’t come w a script and props. But it just emphasizes black gay men’s obsession w heteronormativity once they realize that they like men.

    1. ^ “And it’s an issue across the entire spectrum. You have a bunch of fragile masc men running around who try their damnest to emulate hetero. Bro, why are you dating men if you don’t care to enjoy anything exclusive to a man? Go make ur life easy and get you a wife n kids n be an ‘I don’t suck dik’, ‘total top’. She gives head and does anal in 2022.”

      your comment was really profound but this resonated with me.
      why do i feel like many males are like this because they don’t know how to be themselves?

      there is a lot to unpack with this topic tbh.
      i don’t even know if i begun to scratch the surface.

      1. It’s the fragile masculinity that continues to keep fueling heteronormativity for the gays. Like I said, both ends of the gays contribute to it. From the ‘pretend I dont have a dik’ bttm to the ‘pretend I don’t have an ass’ top.

        Our society has been very narrow on what these gender role CONSTRUCTS look like. Men work, drink beer, watch sports and GET sex. Women cook, clean, and GIVE sex. A lot of men feel ‘less gay’ if they don’t bottom/suck. Because they’re still ‘the man’ since they’re giving and not receiving penetration. Sadly, they’d rather present that narrative, missing out on potentials during the ‘getting to know u process’, because it allows their sense of their ‘manhood’ to not be challenged. Because, we ALL know the measure of a man is his sex life, and NOT how he carries himself through life… Smh.

  2. Unfortunately there’s so much trauma within our community many of our gay brothers don’t know they’re being manipulated by said trauma. I say it all of the time, “Y’all want to be straight so damn badly!” Meanwhile, 51% of heterosexual relationships/marriages don’t last. That’s not a very good model to immolate.

    Even the expression of manhood and expectation of hyper-masculinity is toxic a hell. These expressions were drilled into us as a people only for us to have the audacity to end up being gay. When our straight brothers deviate from the expectation they’re accused of being “gay”, so yeah when gays make that the standard and still insult one another they use misogyny to do it rather than acknowledging they don’t have to play by the same rules.

    The beauty in being gay (the outcast) is that you can create your own norms, or you can make a conscious choice to continue following the broken model set before us by our straight counterparts. They’re unhappy, they have their baby mamas/daddies with multiple partners, countless single parent homes, underperformed, lower income brackets, educational achievement inequalities, and constricting social expectations of masculinity/femininity. Why the hell would we make a choice to be as miserable as them?

    1. ^ can i say something tho…
      and not to say your point isn’t valid…

      but the straights are doing the same thing.
      gay males want to be married and parents these days so the talk about being “not like them” is out.
      some gay males are risking the drama that comes with divorce like our straight counterparts.
      some gays want the life their parents had with the big family and that whole shabazz.
      there are DL males who lean more towards their gay sides that dream of having that kind of life with their male fantasy but feel that life is not acceptable within their minds or living situations.

      straight black vixens have taken the role of man,
      as many of them are paid more and worker harder than some black straight males nowadays.
      many straight black males have started being more submissive and actually bringing less to the table than their vixens.

      straights have been having sex with strangers,
      hooking up for one nighters,
      and many are enjoying the fact they are child free and choose to stay that way.

      straights are dipping their toes into open relationships and polygamy.
      straight males are being unapologetic about their need to have a relationship that involves more than one person.

      nothing straights,
      and lesbians are doing so different from
      each other.
      imo its:

      What personal journey you chose to follow that will ultimately make you happy.

      … because like i said in the entry,
      we are all more alike than we are different.

      1. Yup I was talking to a trans woman about this I go to a lot of straight parties bc I’m more comfortable their due to my upbringing around female friends and the straight men stand in a group smoking and drinking waiting to be pursued. And when I approach they gladly speak and entertain me. It’s so laid back I find myself longing to be part of their world, almost. Women complain about patriarchy but women are taken as they are. Fat , thick, skinny etc

        There’s more rigid rules in gay dating I’d never again put myself out there for scrutiny without being on my a game. If my stomach ain’t flat this month I’m not even going on a date with a guy . Bc since I was a teenager so much of our worth has been placed on a temporary look. Too much makeup, now I’m too butch bc I dress like a boy instead of wearing size 28 skinny jeans and a sweater from h&m so gays don’t know I’m even gay until we have a convo.

        I find that even the frumpiest woman has men in her dm at all times and gets catcalled at the super market

        In fact remember saying something to a female colleague after she told me “you’re a Attractive you just gotta go to gay clubs and put yourself out there” and I let her know I’d rather scoop my eyes out with a spoon than attend pride of the 21st century and she asked jokingly if I was a virgin bc I guess I had these standards that sounded unattainable to her. & That’s precisely what being gay vs straight is like — the standards we have just to be viewed as human are things they can’t even reach .

        Gays seek partnership through the lens of others. They ask their friends if they should date a guy based on how he’s coming. How does their appearance compare. it’s pack / hive mentality. I’ve talked to guys , bought them bday gifts and ended up never dating them. Because most of what we do in gay dating is ritualistic. Meet on an app , link to fuck after 3-4 fuck tryouts u move up to maybe dinner dates and vacations after 6-8 months should you last you go on to the championship of meeting friends. Can’t be too nice and do too much. Also gays pursue twins . straight men seek complimentary opposites. Will and jada don’t look just alike.
        Gay men will date their twin. They build their bodies not for health necessarily but to join the muscular gym gay dating pool. The metrics of gay dating would have a lot of these females out in round 2 bc they have a lot of off days where they’re makeup and lash free Monday-Friday at work.

        gay dudes would discard them after a link up for that alone. Let alone how few minority women of todays era keep their bodies tight . I think since men look for wives and gays just became able to marry our standards aren’t to find husbands but to have sex with the people we couldn’t fuck with as kids. The men we aspired to be. I guess in a way that’s also why I’m attracted to the aesthetic im attracted to . That masculine basketball player was the first crush I had at 13 as a short preteen boy.

        /END .

        1. “They ask their friends if they should date a guy based on how he’s coming. ”

          Straight men do this too. They won’t date a woman if “their boys” don’t approve.

          Don’t act like it’s strictly a gay thing. It certainly is not and an insecure beta thing.

  3. I think what’s normalized is different depending on ethnicity. Even the same race can have different concepts of normal. My Latino friends say their mothers (typically single) want them with someone

    I’m Black american and I grew up hearing school and career first relationships second. So I spent years focused only on that and now that I desire romance everyone is so jaded they’re no good

    This leads to what we spoke about a few days ago in the threads aBout men seeking younger partners . They do this bc much like straight men they like having someone younger and fresher to manipulate or teach .

    The gays 24 and up I’ll say are doing a lot more feminine performances. Men in suits with beards getting full sets of acrylics with rhinestones . I’m not going to lie and pretend that turns me on — it doesn’t

    But we’re called heteronormative for not desiring that. If we don’t seek men in pumps voguing it’s like we HATE ourselves . So i think society at large is heteronormative but the 15-20 percent of onlyfans gays and club culture is trying to get us to all be ok with open relationships , swinging , fem on fem etc just to say we HAVE someone . I saw someone today arguing that gays will Never have a partnership bc we’re so rigid about monogamy and it’s not possible to be only with one person sexually for over ten years .

    With the high hiv rates I’ll stay celibate! I’m F R E E // F.N.F!

    1. I told a friend a few days past, that whether your child is straight or gay, educating them early on, on what to look for and require in a relationship is very important. Bring them up to factor in the probabilities before handing your body to ANYONE. Avoid the late night door scratchers and bedroom window tappers.
      Buy a vibrator or a Fleshlight when times get rough. A nut is not worth all the ensuing drama!

  4. Alot to unpack here. I feel like most gay men aspire to have a healthy relationship, but from what I observed alot of gay men have had traumatic experiences from childhood (molestation, teasing/bullying at school for being feminine) and they carry that baggage into adulthood and it negatively affects their relationships, and being a black gay man intensifies those traumatic experiences. Whether DL or out and proud, gay men especially gay black men will always bottle up some type of inferiority, whether it’s admitted or not. That inferiority in most cases births insecurity, and these insecure gay men get in relationships prematurely without resolving the trauma they’ve internalized since childhood. And since in our community church is the “only” place you’re suppose to go when you’re going through something instead of also incorporating therapy, to cope gay men start doing bumps in the bathroom, indulging in risky hookups, and beating or getting beat on by their partner. This is why self work is so important, if you’re broken single, you’ll be broken in a relationship. No one can fix you but you.

    1. ^ YES YES YES YES!!!!
      i’m picking up what you are putting down!!!
      that “church” thing has ruined many of us.
      the straights and the gays tbh.

      i feel like black straights and gays have more in common than being enemies,
      especially the straight black males.

    2. I totally agree. We all carrying some type of trauma whether we want to admit it or not. As a 45 year old gay man. I scare to love someone deeply without fear of having my heart broken. It is what it is.

  5. “i feel there is no difference besides the sex part of it.” – Even that part is blurring the damn lines with all these so-called “straight” gay-for-pay content creators doing more gay stuff then the gays. 🙄🤣

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