i’m letting you know now.
when you have good friends,
ones who actually give a fuck about your ass,
please do what you can to hold onto them.
i’m not talking about those friends who will buy you dranks at the bar.
nor the ones who will tell you the latest dirt about someone else.
i’m talking about the ones who have shown and proved.
the ones that when you call,
they will answer you.
the ones who know the real you and don’t care about your flaws.
in this road of self discovery and #comeback i’m on,
i’m learning a lot about myself and how i treat people,
the way i handle situations,
and how i solve them.
i had to wonder…
Am I a good friend?
today i woke up depressed.
yesterday i had a friend of years swipe all my cards,
throw them across the table,
and forced me to show the ones i had hidden in my lap.
ive known this friend for a couple years,
but i never thought they really gave a fuck about me.
well i was wrong after the blow up argument we had.
i have this need to always be in control.
in doing so,
i have sabotaged a lot of things i have wanted to do.
i don’t understand “a good day”.
i always feel there is some bullshit coming around the corner.
things can be going really well and then i’ll find a way to fuck it up.
i don’t know how to just “go with the flow”.
it maybe because i’ve always had to solve issues since my parents died.
i also really don’t know what “faith” is.
i don’t think i ever did,
because if i did,
i wouldn’t be feeling the way i have been for many years.
i also handle situations like a spoiled brat.
i can admit it.
it all started with my parents.
they never really listened to me.
i even showed any kind of emotion,
i was deemed “soft” or “acting like a girl”.
if i did something that wasn’t to their standards,
i was “stupid” or “dumb”.
my father was always working and my mother’s solution was “buy him something”.
they didn’t believe in “problems”.
just “handle it” was their motto.
it left me always needing to fix my issues,
but also needing someone to share my feelings with.
when i did open myself,
people hurt me and abused me.
so i learned to close myself off and just “handle it”.
keep people at a distance because they have ulterior motives.
some did and i learned to handle them.
the ones who didn’t tho…
the genuine ones…
i also walk around with a sense of entitlement.
it shows because when i blog my ass off and i don’t get a comment,
i say to myself that no one cares about me anymore.
i ask myself why am i doing this?
do people give a fuck about me?
to this day,
i still question what i did wrong to get laid off from my job.
if i did something wrong even though i was what i thought the perfect employee.
lastly i don’t know how talented i really am.
i can even say how good looking i am.
something star fox and others have always said.
i kinda just go through life with a “oh ok” attitude.
i don’t like to brag like others.
i personally think it’s tacky.
i look at other people and see people with no issues.
they have the money and the lifestyle,
but i’m struggling.
i don’t go as hard for success because deep down inside,
i don’t think i’m worth anything or people won’t take me seriously.
now i don’t allow other people to treat me badly,
as many have learned not to cross me,
but i beat myself up that it equals an abused person.
my friend knows me.
that was me.
all 110% of mess.
i kept asking if something was wrong with me?
it was a lot to take in that after we hung up,
i just broke down and cried.
i don’t know what to say anymore.
its funny how a friend can really tell you about yourself.
that takes a true friend.
the fake ones will have you walkin’ around here like a straight dumb ass.
i know that i will be seeing a therapist.
i have an appointment next week to see if i can get approved.
this is draining me as the days go on.
baby steps to a breakthrough?
i know one thing that just won’t stop flashing through my mind…