i’m letting you know now.
when you have good friends,
ones who actually give a fuck about your ass,
please do what you can to hold onto them.
i’m not talking about those friends who will buy you dranks at the bar.
nor the ones who will tell you the latest dirt about someone else.
i’m talking about the ones who have shown and proved.
the ones that when you call,
they will answer you.
the ones who know the real you and don’t care about your flaws.
in this road of self discovery and #comeback i’m on,
i’m learning a lot about myself and how i treat people,
the way i handle situations,
and how i solve them.
i had to wonder…
Am I a good friend?
today i woke up depressed.
yesterday i had a friend of years swipe all my cards,
throw them across the table,
and forced me to show the ones i had hidden in my lap.
ive known this friend for a couple years,
but i never thought they really gave a fuck about me.
well i was wrong after the blow up argument we had.
i have this need to always be in control.
in doing so,
i have sabotaged a lot of things i have wanted to do.
i don’t understand “a good day”.
i always feel there is some bullshit coming around the corner.
things can be going really well and then i’ll find a way to fuck it up.
i don’t know how to just “go with the flow”.
it maybe because i’ve always had to solve issues since my parents died.
i also really don’t know what “faith” is.
i don’t think i ever did,
because if i did,
i wouldn’t be feeling the way i have been for many years.
i also handle situations like a spoiled brat.
i can admit it.
it all started with my parents.
they never really listened to me.
i even showed any kind of emotion,
i was deemed “soft” or “acting like a girl”.
if i did something that wasn’t to their standards,
i was “stupid” or “dumb”.
my father was always working and my mother’s solution was “buy him something”.
they didn’t believe in “problems”.
just “handle it” was their motto.
it left me always needing to fix my issues,
but also needing someone to share my feelings with.
when i did open myself,
people hurt me and abused me.
so i learned to close myself off and just “handle it”.
keep people at a distance because they have ulterior motives.
some did and i learned to handle them.
the ones who didn’t tho…
the genuine ones…
i also walk around with a sense of entitlement.
it shows because when i blog my ass off and i don’t get a comment,
i say to myself that no one cares about me anymore.
i ask myself why am i doing this?
do people give a fuck about me?
to this day,
i still question what i did wrong to get laid off from my job.
if i did something wrong even though i was what i thought the perfect employee.
lastly i don’t know how talented i really am.
i can even say how good looking i am.
something star fox and others have always said.
i kinda just go through life with a “oh ok” attitude.
i don’t like to brag like others.
i personally think it’s tacky.
i look at other people and see people with no issues.
they have the money and the lifestyle,
but i’m struggling.
i don’t go as hard for success because deep down inside,
i don’t think i’m worth anything or people won’t take me seriously.
now i don’t allow other people to treat me badly,
as many have learned not to cross me,
but i beat myself up that it equals an abused person.
my friend knows me.
that was me.
all 110% of mess.
i kept asking if something was wrong with me?
it was a lot to take in that after we hung up,
i just broke down and cried.
i don’t know what to say anymore.
its funny how a friend can really tell you about yourself.
that takes a true friend.
the fake ones will have you walkin’ around here like a straight dumb ass.
i know that i will be seeing a therapist.
i have an appointment next week to see if i can get approved.
this is draining me as the days go on.
baby steps to a breakthrough?
i know one thing that just won’t stop flashing through my mind…
I think it’s a GREAT thing to have a friend who will call you out on your bull even when you’re down. Friends need to be that reality that you’ve convinced yourself doesn’t exist, then out of nowhere they swoop in and check you. It’s easy to wallow in our own misery sometimes and think the world is against us. That friend should be there to not only help you get through it, but show you that things aren’t as bad as they seem and you need to STFU. lol
Yea it is important that you have real friends to keep it real with you. Every now and then we need to hear someone’s opinion from the outside. I also like to add that life is not meant to be perfect. I have leaned that over the years. That is why I just remain positive and prepare of myself for adversity when it does strike. Jamari, bad times will not last forever, and the people who seems as if they are living well will go through some shit as well, if they aren’t already are.
There’s no reason for me to comment because y’all said everything that I was gonna say. I agree with every comment 110%. I see so much of myself in you Jamari. The comment from Tajan about always being the encouraging person for others spoke volumes to me.
You have found your nitch with this blog. Please keep it up!
Damn, I feel like I just wrote that entry. I think thats why I so identify with this blog because I believe that we have so many things in common-loss of parents at a young age, loss of my best friend who was like a Star Foxx in my eyes way too soon. I feel this same exact way about myself about so much of the time as you do. Its hard for me to see the good in me. I can always see it and be that encouraging person to others, but its hard for me to be Ride or Die for myself. I have always been thoughtful and realize that when I dont get that back it makes me draw up inside and not expect it anymore from anyone. I get so uncomfortable when someone tells me Im cute, sexy, doing a great job, its hard for me to believe it and have a positive outlook about myself,a friend told me that I was way too hard on myself. I think its my Virgo nature of wanting to be perfect all the time. I wish I could hold people to the same standard that I hold myself too. I see the hot boy who everybody wants and I want him too, but I just tell myself, that he would never want me. I have held myself back for so long in so many areas of my life, and now Im a upset with myself for not being able to get that time back that I wasted on phoney friends, and in useless relationships.I too am ready to sit on the couch and tell someone. This blog as I have said a million times is my therapy. J you got to know that you are touching people if they never left another comment, people all over the world are here reading and being inspired. No other blog even comes close to making me feel this good to visit I check back at least 5-10 times a day for any new updates. I had to break the rules today and log in from work after seeing this entry, hopefully I will have J-O-B tomorrow LOL- Keep ya head up because you know so many regulars on here got your back and we will not let you fall. We are all struggling with something and we will all get through this together. Peace, Love, and Blessings to all.
” I can always see it and be that encouraging person to others, but its hard for me to be Ride or Die for myself”. @Tajan
AMEN to this.
I realized yesterday after a friend called me about a problem they were having with a relationship that people always seem to come to me with their problems and always tell me that I made them feel better about how to go about solving their issues. I’m a problem solver and realized that I have a strength in helping people that alot of people don’t have.
The only issue is that I can’t seem to use that same advice for myself as I continue to fall down constantly and never can get shit right for myself.
^t.
i’m feelin you.
heavy.
me and my homegirl have this thing we started.
when her son comes home from school,
the teacher puts on his daily report card how he acted,
but in colors.
today for me is definitely a “rough day red”.
lol
so are we broken or something?
First and foremost I’m extremely happy to hear you are feeling better. But Jay coming from someone who just last year were where you are, I can tell you that though this is easier said than done you have to let go. Don’t save face, or feel the need to cover up your flaws. I can tell you that since I’ve been reading this blog the last couple years you have grown tremendously. I think that all the lost has forced you to grow, to mature, to become truly dependent.
However, you life is truly want YOU choose to make it so just believe in yourself. Allow yourself to relax; allow some things to be out of your control. Make mistakes because that’s how you learn, or ask before you make a decision. Moreover, and these are big one’s TRUST and OPEN UP. I know why your guarded and for obvious reasons you should be, but building anything on cracked foundation is going fall down or sink so start from the bottom and hurry and get up here. We got VIP. (Smiles)
^thank you nerd.
im trying with the baby steps.