Foxhole Book Club: No More Mr. Nice Guy (Chapter 5)

nomoremrniceguy-620x350-620x350-1so okay its that time again!
i’m on chapter 5 in “no more mr. nice guy”,
which is titled:

“reclaim your personal power”

i’m seeing how being a “nice guy” has been the wrong move.
i was doing it and putting myself in the wrong.
here are my answers to the “break free” questions.
you are my safe animal so let’s gooooooo…


Breaking Free Activity #17

Look over the following list of ways Nice Guys try to create a smooth, problem-free life. Write down an example of how you used each coping mechanism in childhood. Then, next to each, give an example of how you use this strategy to try to control your world in adulthood. Note how each of these behaviors keeps you feeling like a powerless victim. Share this information with a safe person.

Doing it right.

cub  – trying not to do anything that would upset my parents
i usually failed with them because i always did “something” wrong in their eyes

adult – trying to not do anything that would offend anyone.
expecting that if i do something,
others will also respond the same way.

Playing it safe.

cub -didn’t want anyone to call me “gay” or think of me that way
always tried to “fit in” with the straights

adult – trying to do everything by the book
holding back my opinion and regretting not saying it later on

Anticipating and fixing.

cub – nothing really

adult – trying to fix others problems/anticipating when they will mess up

● Trying not to rock the boat.

cub -doing things to avoid getting beat

adult – with wolves,
i try to not be “myself” in order to be liked
meaning try to fit in with my interpretation of “sexy”

Being charming and helpful.

cub – i was always charming and helpful

adult – i’m charming,
but not being helpful to myself

Never being a moment’s problem.

huh?

Using covert contracts.

cub – on people to get them to appreciate me

adult – still the same

Controlling and manipulating.

cub – i tried to control by temper tantrums/spoiled attitude

adult – withdrawing when upset/cutting myself off from the world

● Caretaking and pleasing.

cub – was looking for that

adult – do it with close friends i felt were going in the wrong direction

Withholding information.

cub – didn’t want to do it because i was scared they would leave

adult – same,
but not as bad

Repressing feelings.

cub – would agree to something if i didn’t want to

adult – repressed a lot of feelings with work wolf/honest with my friends

● Making sure other people don’t have feelings.

huh?

Avoiding problems and difficult situations.

cub – would run from problems

adult – don’t try to step on toes

****

Breaking Free Activity #18

Think about one “gift” from the universe which you initially resisted but can now be seen as a positive stimulus for growth or discovery.

work wolf.
i can say that situation brought me down.
he is gone and i’ve taken responsibility for my part.
the part that hurt was not getting closure.
without him leaving,
i wouldn’t have discovered this book and how to work on me.

Are there any similar gifts in your life right now to which you need to surrender? Share this information with a safe person.

mi.
i need to just let her be and realize this is who she is.

******

Breaking Free Activity #19

Pick one area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of control. Step back from the situation.

Is the difficulty you are having with the situation the result of you trying to project the reality you want to believe onto it?

yes.

If you had to accept the reality of this situation, how might you change your response to it?

i can’t and shouldn’t be helping everyone

*******

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*****

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1 fear: killing myself out of depression

*****

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if i ever speak to work wolf again,
ill use this exercise on him.
this is the only situation i can say is prominent right now.

*****

Screen Shot 2016-04-07 at 9.17.57 PMi’ll start this today.

*****

until next time!

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Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

18 thoughts on “Foxhole Book Club: No More Mr. Nice Guy (Chapter 5)

    1. ^right now.
      that exercise only relates to one situation and that’s with him.
      if we ever speak again in the future,
      i’ll make sure to tell the absolute truth.
      if anything else happens going forward with anyone else,
      i won’t hesitate to do it.

      1. I see. I would just focus on future relationships and take him out of consideration completely, seeing as how you’ve already trusted him with your truth and he betrayed you. Don’t give him that much energy anymore. There’s nothing to make right or rectify. If you speak to him, keep it brief and polite. You’ve learned from that relationship and now its time to keep moving forward.

        I really want to encourage you to not speak about him on this platform anymore, for the simple fact that it’s keeping you from letting go because he’s infiltrated every aspect of your life.

        I don’t believe you’re true fear is killing yourself because of depression, it’s continuing to live a life where you cannot control your relationships with other people.

        1. ^you know what?
          you are absolutely right.
          i have friends,
          great friends who love me,
          but i don’t understand why he is so hard to let go.
          ive been hurt before and was able to move on.
          he seemed to put some hold on me and it’s truly difficult to break.
          i really struggle with trying to let that completely go.

          you are right.
          he has to mentally and emotionally go.

      2. I see myself in your story. You don’t connect with a lot of people, so when you do those people mean a lot to you. When it doesn’t work out, it hurts ten times worse. It’s like losing a part of yourself. I’m in the same situation, still struggling to come out of it.

        You seek emotionally unavailable people because that is what you’re used to from your childhood.

        You have to treat him like an addiction. Anytime you think of him, want to text or write about him, you need to:

        acknowledge that moment in your mind,

        count to ten, take deep breaths, or pray,

        and let the moment pass.

      3. J, just curious..what do you do with clothes that don’t fit anymore? I know it’s a weird question but humor me

      4. Sometimes you need to think of people the same way as we do clothes that no longer fit. We’ve outgrown them but they occupy needed space in our closet. No need in buying new clothes until we make space unless you want what’s new to be on the floor…which wouldn’t be smart. We need to make room for what’s new and should be better. The clothes have served their purpose and now it’s time for a new wardrobe. That’s how you need to think of WW. He clearly has served a purpose but it’s time to get something new. New friends. New associates…meet and try on new people. After awhile you will look back and question your taste as your style evolves.

        It is clear you fell in love with him. But just like your favorite outfit in high school you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that outfit today….

        1. ^you are right t.

          i did fall in love with him,
          but he did things that broke me.
          ill be completely honest with you.
          i hate being honest about him because it makes me look weak.

  1. Breaking Free Activity #17
    Doing it right.
    Trying not to rock the boat.
    Never being a moment’s problem.
    Withholding information.
    Repressing feelings.
    Avoiding problems and difficult situations.

    I feel like all of these^ are one in the same.
    Just different ways of saying we don’t want to cause any trouble.
    I didn’t as a kid and still try not to as an adult.

    Breaking Free Activity #18
    That time when I almost made it.
    I wasn’t as knowledgeable about my craft as I am now.

    Breaking Free Activity #19
    I’m always forced to help a certain someone with the most simplest of problems even though I don’t want to.
    If I somehow find a way to avoid dealing with him, I’ll be guilt tripped by my family.

    I need to just let people know I’m not a kid anymore. You can’t keep forcing me to deal with someone I don’t care to deal with.

    Breaking Free Activity #21
    So much is on my mind constantly that I can’t pinpoint one exact fear.

    Breaking Free Activity #23
    I do this with my bosses at work. Anything they ask me to do, I do. Even if I’m busy. Even if the workload is overwhelming and I need help. I’m afraid to ask for help because I don’t want to look like I can’t handle it.

  2. This “work wolf” saga parallels with my situation it’s not even funny. My (now) ex froze me out similar to how work wolf did to you. It’s like coming off of huge drug high and you’re going to withdrawals. I’m not even a weak person, but I’ve been crying nonstop for these past couple of months and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. I miss his voice, touch etc. and how he would affirm me…just out of the blue he cut me off and said he needs to work on himself. Similar to what you said I’ve been hurt by people in the past and I shook that shif off so easy and laughed out loud the next day. With him it’s different I can’t let him go, I was so madly in lovd with this nigga it’s crazy. He completed me, that 1 person that could ease my tension with just the sound of his voice over the phone. I’m crying as I type this (literally) but stay strong young Jamari, you and I both will get through.

    1. ^and see this is what I mean…

      i don’t jump in and out of friendships.
      i cherish people who are in my life.
      i spent time with this wolf and we spoke every day we could.
      we had our moments and I chose to look past them because I try to make them work.
      he hurt me by doing this and it’s not easy to just say “GOODBYE”.
      like ive known him for a year and he is gone.
      that shit sucks.

      i hope you find your strength soon as well sterling.

      1. Me and my dude would have been together a year last month. We made it 11 months but it was the best 11 months of my life. Jamari, don’t you hate how people tell you to “move on” and take it one day at a time. I get attached to people and I’m extremely loyal so it’s not that easy to just “move on.” I think about at least every 30 seconds, it’s maddening. How exactly did your very last exchange with work wolf go?

        1. ^we fought.
          he made me angry accusing me of something i didn’t do.
          i cursed him out for not having my side.
          he said he will hit me up later and froze me ever since.

  3. I can’t seem to do breaking free activity # 17 since none of the questions relate to my actions as a child when I was younger but I will do the others.

    Breaking Free Activity #18

    Think about one “gift” from the universe which you initially resisted but can now be seen as a positive stimulus for growth or discovery.

    —- I can’t think of a gift I resisted from the universe I tend to be open to most things.

    Breaking Free Activity #19

    Pick one area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of control. Step back from the situation.

    —- This would have to be my looks I feel like my skin could be better, my ass could be fatter, and I wish my hair was a better texture.

    Is the difficulty you are having with the situation the result of you trying to project the reality you want to believe onto it?

    —— Yes

    Breaking Free Activity #21

    —- I fear my depression caused by my loneliness and feelings of inadequacy will overcome me and I won’t be able to be happy.

    Breaking Free Activity #22

    —- I recently did this, It was hard but I called up my Wolf “friend” and told him that we needed to take a break on our “friendship”. I broke down and confessed that I still had feelings for him and that I treat him more like a boyfriend than a friend. I told him my fears of being alone and not having a wolf who was as attractive, manly, and street as he was ever come on to me and want to be in a relationship with me. I’m coping with it and its been good so far I haven’t called him or retract my statement I made to him.

    Breaking Free Activity #22

    — I do all of the things listed and I want to try to stop it.

    P.S. I meant to comment of this week’s book club entry sooner but I’ve been so busy for the past two days I haven’t had the time, I’m still reading the book and catching up when I can.

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