i’m really enjoying “no more mr. nice guy”.
it has been helping to open my eyes and see things more clearly.
chapter 3 dealt with an issue i struggle with constantly.
“only pleasing myself”
i tend to put my own feelings to the side for others.
i’m sure you can tell.
well this chapter had a lot more “break free” activities.
these are my answers…
Breaking Free Activity #4
I’ve taken surveys in several No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups asking the members about the attachments they use to try to get external approval. The following are just a few of the responses. Look over the list. Note any of the ways in which you seek approval. Add to the list any behaviors that are uniquely you. Write down examples of each. Ask others for feedback about the ways in which they see you seeking approval.
● Having one’s hair just right.
if my hair doesn’t look right,
or i start to get scruffy,
i start to think if i’m not “perfect” looking then no one will like me.
● Being smart.
if i do something i deem as “stupid”,
i will start to question who i am.
● Looking unselfish.
i try to be emotionally selfless with other animals.
● Making other people happy.
if you are my “friend”,
i try to do whatever to make you happy.
● Being a good worker.
i try to be a hard worker and sometimes overwork myself.
● Dressing well.
if my style if “off”,
then i feel everyone is noticing and judging.
● Being nice.
i’m way too nice to people who don’t deserve me.
● Never offending anyone.
i speak my mind now,
but i also try to hold back certain things in case i offend someone.
i try to remember people have feelings too.
funny how people say whatever they want to me,
but i hold my tongue with them.
Breaking Free Activity #5
If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently?
i really had to think about this question.
i would feel like a tremendous weight was lifted off my shoulders.
i wouldn’t care about half the shit i do/say/think/feel.
my life would be only at “the present”.
i think about the past and the things i did and the future.
i would only be centered in the “now”.
my personal motto would always be:
“i cum first”
If you were not concerned with getting the approval of
women men, how would your relationships with the opposite same sex be different?
i would probably be dating a lot more.
when i had this “attitude” a few years ago,
i was meeting more wolves and had plenty of options for sex.
even though i had crushes on “straight” wolves,
i also had “dl/bi/out” wolves trying to get at me as well.
my phone was never dry like how it is now.
i was also happier because i felt sexy and desirable.
Breaking Free Activity #6
Look over the lists above. Write down examples of situations in which you have tried to hide or distract attention from any of these perceived flaws. How effective do you think you are in keeping these things hidden from the people you love?
if i mess up.
i try to keep things that i feel would “embarrass” me to myself.
with the foxhole,
and even with my friends i love in real life,
i feel they would judge me for the mistakes i make/continue to make.
my closest animals look at me a certain way.
many of them feel i am way too:
…to fall into the situations i do.
sometimes it makes me feel like i’m “stupid”.
so i try to keep the things that make me feel that way a secret.
star fox is the only animal i felt didn’t judge me.
i can also tell pose things as well without judgment.
everyone else makes me feel like i should know better.
Breaking Free Activity #7
Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you?
i need to realize everyone has “something”.
they either let it cripple them or use it to their advantage.
How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave you or stop loving you — no matter what?
my friendships always spanned years.
my friends love me for who i am.
they accept me for all that i am as well.
if strangers who meet me want to be in my life,
that should say something about me.
i thought work wolf would appreciate me as well.
i also thought he would never leave my life.
i was naive about that.
Breaking Free Activity #8
Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this chapter. Choose one of the ways you try to get external validation and do one of the following:
1) Go on a moratorium from this behavior. Set a period of time to stop doing it. Tell the people around you what you are doing. If you slip, tell a safe person about it. Use the slip as information about why, in that particular moment, you felt the need to get external approval.
i want to stop being so nice to people who don’t deserve it.
i want to unapologetic.
so i’ll do that starting the 1st of april until the 1st of may.
2) Consciously do more of this behavior. This may not make logical sense, but it is a powerful way to explore any dysfunctional behavior. Observe how you feel when you consciously try harder to get external validation.
Breaking Free Activity #9
Begin with the list above and add good things that you can do for yourself. Put the list up where you will see it and choose at least one thing per day and do it for yourself.
will start this on the 1st of april
Breaking Free Activity #10
Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them where you will see them regularly. Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs.
The following are some possible affirmations:
“I am lovable just as I am.”
“I am perfectly imperfect.”
“My needs are important.”
“I am a strong and powerful person.”
“I can handle it.”
“People love and accept me just as I am.”
“It is OK to be human and make mistakes.”
“I am the only person I have to please.”
will start this tomorrow when i buy the cards.
Breaking Free Activity #11
Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible. Use this time as an opportunity for self-observation and reflection. Keep a journal. Practice good self-care. Take along this book and spend time doing the Breaking Free exercises. When you return home, observe how you are different and how long it takes for you to begin returning to familiar patterns.
will organize budget/plan something within the month.
this makes me nervous.
i never went anywhere alone.
thanks everyone for allowing me to share my journey!
see you next thursday!