Foxhole Book Club: No More Mr. Nice Guy (Chapter 2)

nomoremrniceguy-620x350-620x350so every thursday,
god willing,
i will discuss our reading material for “foxhole book club” .
as you should know,
the book is “no more mr. nice guy” by robert glover.

( x you can read the book via pdf version )

so i read the second chapter today on lunch.
the “break free: #3” question was…

Breaking Free Activity #3
It is impossible to cover every factor that might cause a young boy to try to hide his perceived  flaws and seek approval from others. I don’t believe it is essential for Nice Guys to uncover every experience that ever made them feel unsafe or bad. But I have found that some understanding of where a life script originated is helpful in changing that script.

Reread the stories of Alan, Jason, and Jose. Think about how these stories are similar to your own  childhood experiences. On a separate piece of paper or journal, write down or illustrate the  messages you received in your family that seemed to imply that it wasn’t OK for you to be who  you were, just as you were. Share these experiences with a safe person. As you do, make note of  your feelings. Do you feel sad, angry, lonely, numb? Share this information as well.

The purpose of this assignment is to name, rather than blame. Blaming will keep you stuck. Naming the childhood experiences that led you to believe that it was
not a safe or acceptable thing for you to be just who you were will allow you replace these messages with more accurate ones and help you change your Nice Guy script.

okay foxhole.
you are my “safe person”.
so the things i dealt with growing up was:

when i showed any emotion that deemed as weak/feminine,
they always said i was being too soft/a girl/sissy.

if i didn’t know something,
as far as school work:

“you should know this; why are you so stupid?”

they would compare me to other cousins who were smarter/more successful at school

i hate math and i would get beat if i didn’t know the answers to questions

i was told that if i turn out to be gay,
don’t even think of living in the house/calling them my family

i was always being asked why i don’t have a girlfriend

my mother was always moody,
so it would switch between being loving to being really nasty

my mother and that cold shoulder of hers

when i use to play with my toys,
i use to talk as the characters and make a show of it.
my father asked me one time if i was crazy talking to myself?

they were both very “christian”,
so they made me feel sex was forbidden or something i’d go to hell for

i always had bad anxiety where i would throw up when i was nervous.
my mother would always make me feel bad because of it.
she would tell me to “man up” and stop acting “like that”.

my father would buy me whatever i wanted.
he was barely around due to work.
they both spoiled me growing up.

when my mother was mad at my father,
she would talk really bad about him.
they would argue and it would get nasty.
sometimes it left me scared they would leave each other for good.

i’m sure there is more.
writing that made me feel sad and lonely.
i felt hurt because all of that has me damaged.
i was basically raised to be insecure.
so that is my answers for chapter 2.

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if you read and want to share,
the comment box is all yours to let it all out.

next week thursday,
3/24,
is chapter 3!
your assignment is due!

13 thoughts on “Foxhole Book Club: No More Mr. Nice Guy (Chapter 2)

  1. Wow that was a lot for any child to go through. I can see how those things and the unfortunate passing of your parents being the root of a lot of the inner turmoil you have inside. I just wanna give you a big hug.

    P.S. I haven’t got to chapter 3 yet ( been so busy with work) but I will have it done by the time the assignment is due.

  2. Congrats on having the courage to take this journey and to do so publicly. I note from what you have written that the vast majority of the experiences you relate show you as the object of the experience not the subject. You are the acted upon, not the actor. Perhaps its time you considered being the star of the movie of your life rather than a supporting character. You might benefit from a few years of radical responsibility wherein you accept complete and total responsibility for absolutely everything that happens to you. That way, the power is always yours and never safely with someone else. The train was slow and I was late for work = I was late for work because I didn’t leave early enough. He hurts me by treating me as though I don’t exist = I taught him how to hurt me even as I saw how readily he hurt others. It’s hard to do. But it might be helpful.

    1. ^this is actually very deep Jay.
      thank you for commenting.
      i read it like 6 times lol
      can you send me an email breaking it down further?
      i want to make sure I understand it fully…

  3. Let me start off by saying thank you for linking to the pdf version. You da real mvp! I haven’t had a chance to go to the local library because of work & sleep. I’d only be able to have it for a week if I did check it out.

    Now onto breaking free activity #3:

    I was always always told not to be into any of that girl stuff. There was a particular incident when I was a little kid where I had gotten a toy that came with a female character and I didn’t notice until it was too late. I CRIED my eyes out because I thought my dad was gonna beat my ass when he found out.

    My dad and my older cousins always forced to play football. I wasn’t into at all. I remember them roughing me up because I didn’t understand how I was supposed to tackle the other boy. I was apparently supposed to summon my inner beast and just go in for the kill head first. Little ol me tho, I’d just give him a little shove hoping it would be enough to make him fall.

    My mom would do this thing when I was just being goofy. I can’t quite explain it but she’d overreact to the smallest thing I did. It’d make me feel stupid.

    Another she used to do is laugh at my pain. And I don’t mean me being sad. I mean me getting hurt physically.

    My parents couldn’t go a day without arguing. Everyday I woke up they’d be going at it. Never knew how serious it would get. Would it be one of their petty “fuck you, no fuck you” arguments. Or would it get physical.

    I also had the “when you gonna get a girlfriend” problem.

    Going back to chapter 1. Since I’m caught up now. I didn’t realized how much I suffered from being a Nice Guy.

    I always thought that by being a good boy, son, brother, etc… that I’d win in life. Religion was definitely one of the biggest reasons why I thought that way. That and I thought it’d garner me more respect from my parents.

    1. ^i relate with this so heavy zen.
      it almost made me break down in tears on the train.
      i had to catch myself.
      im glad you are joining me on this journey for finding self.
      you will be a stronger person because of it.

      thank you for being so open with us.

      1. I relate to your story too.
        Sometimes I wonder if I have a split personality and it’s me running this blog.
        The only difference between you and i is that you have a keen fashion sense and I dress like a bum.

  4. Thank you for sharing. The furst step is acknowledging what happened instead of as black folks we bury it. Now you can deal with it.

    A couple of things now make senses

    You do a great job at work now and are now so meticulous with details and have si much information that share with us and others *i.e work, work wolf) because you were told you should have known something and you didon’t so now you make sure you know, you are detailed and you have you facts together.

    In some way your connection with work wolf is he reminds you of your dad when he buys you things. Its natural to connect with people that remind you of things.

    You speak up for yourself now because you didn’t have a voice as a child. Its almost as if you are now standing up to your father when you argue with work wolf but yet still feel rejected so you are having a hard time dealing with it. You are “manning up ” but not getting the acceptance you thought this would bring.

    This blog is your escape zone. Just like when you were a child you would make characters out of things and ho into a different world. Its the same here..you recreate yourself or show the real you here because you feel safe behind your computer but also there is love here. But even when criticized here you go back to that she’ll of a little boy.

    The point is this, there was nothing wrong with you as a child and nothing wrong with you now. You dI’d things now to change who were to get acceptance that is now who you are today…which sounds pretty awesome….hardworking, dedicated, knowledgeable, resourceful, stylish, creative, caring to others (because you didnt receive it) ..sounds like a pretty damn good package to me. But would you have developed these qualities if you hadn’t gone through what you went through?

    We go through things to ultimately make us bette4..it’s part of the process. The late Daryl Coley sings a song “He’s Preparing Me”. It talks about going through things that are difficult but ultimately it is preparing us for something so great and awesome. ..just hold on…

    Here it is.
    https://www.google.com/search?q=daryl+coley+he%27s+preparing+me&oq=daryl+coley+hes+&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l2j46.14422j0j4&client=ms-android-verizon&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#mie=e%2C%2Cdaryl%20coley%20he's%20preparing%20me%2CH4sIAAAAAAAAAONgVuLUz9U3iDcyKy55xOjMLfDyxz1hKatJa05eYzTh4grOyC93zSvJLKkUUuNig7JkuHilELo0GKS4uRBcHgDyrzkNUwAAAA

    The last thing I’ll add is you no longer have to do things for acceptance. Be proud of who you are and those who love you will love you anyway and those who don’t, we aren’t supposed to deal with anyway

    1. ^wow.

      you broke that down all the way to the white meat.
      i don’t even know what to say but thank you.
      thank you for figuring me out and giving the most honest answer.
      after that breakdown,
      i don’t feel as bad about me.
      i have broken myself down as the person who has been the problem.

      i don’t want people to think my parents were monsters.
      they did good things for me.
      i just remember all the bad things that have made me who i am today.

      i am fighting for change.
      it won’t be easy,
      but i am determined to fix alla this.

      thank you tony for taking the timeout to write this.
      i appreciate it wholeheartedly.
      thank you for the suggestion for doing this as well.
      it’s helping myself and others!

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