i just had a long talk with star fox’s mom.
i really appreciate that she still catches up with me.
she is currently suffering with a bad leg.
i was telling her about my job and how stuck i felt.
how i got an email from the recruiter yesterday,
but when i asked if we could interview after i get off work,
she told me she leaves every day at 330pm.
i could take the day off to go in,
but realistically that this is a temp agency.
she would have to find me jobs that i would have to interview for.
i would still have to take a ton of days off until i find the perfect job.
i let her know how my department is being run by clowns.
how much they don’t like me,
but have to deal with me since i do a better job than them all.
how i want to really say “fuck these jobs mang” all together.
i want to be my own boss and have my own rules.
i was frustrated and needed to vent all this word vomit out of me.
suddenly i felt the needed to turn it all around and say the following…

i have been through a lot.
i have witnessed people i love die around me.
i have no support system to depend on,
but i can’t not deny that i am blessed.
i have witnessed people who were at the bottom,
people who were about to have rocks fall on them,
suddenly get lifted up by god.
i have seen people get their blessings almost suddenly.
they felt like they wanted to give up,
but god showed them everything that has happened was for nothing.
their tears
their screams
the hunger pains and the depression.
it all lead up to the moment god said “its time”.

i ended with…

i have a story.
i have a testimony.
i have scars.
when i’m getting interviewed by oprah,
everything will all make sense.
i want people to see that i made it even when i wanted to give up.
i wouldn’t end up being stuck like the devil is telling me.
i will have places to go and people to see again.
all my bills will be paid.
i will not want for anything.
i will be someone’s example to hold on.
it will all make sense.

she started to cry.
i cried.
i told her how much i miss her son and his presence in my life.
i needed to continue on this journey alone.
he will work with my parents as a compass.
they will work with god to guide me.
she agreed.
i agreed.
i will cry when i need to cry.
vent when i need to vent.
i will not always be strong.
sometimes a nigga needs his moment.
i have no one to pat me on the back.
no one to stroke my ego.
so when i feel down…
i will feel down.
that is how i get my self awareness.
writing about the bad helps me see the god.
no error there.
i am learning to say:

“ya know what god?
i’m hurt and this sucks,
but what did you teach me…”

this helps me not t stay down for long tho.
i know this is all will make sense one day.
i will keep on holding on until it does.
this is behind all of our mountains…

…and its waiting for our arrival.
stay strong.