*someone in the life will relate to this.
true story from my experience.
many moons ago,
when i was in entertainment really heavy,
i invited this dude over to my crib because he wanted to talk about his career in entertainment.
he said he was available after 11pm on a saturday night.
11pm.
saturday night.
“talk”.
every time he saw me,
he flirted with me.
of course,
i assumed he was cumming to fuck the shit outta me.
i wanted him too because he was my type.
when he got over to my crib,
he was heavy on the flirting like it was verbal foreplay.
there was one point he was dancing and put his crotch in my face.
i’m usually not bold with wolves,
but i went decided to try something new.
when he sat on my couch,
he opened up his body language to me.
legs were open; hands were leaned back on the couch.
he had nice lips and i kissed him.
he kissed back and then said:
“...so i’m not gay.“
he wasn’t angry,
but he responded like this has happened many times before.
i felt so naked and vulnerable afterward.
it was a feeling i couldn’t explain.
un-wanted,
maybe?
ugly?
feeling like someone had my secret in their back pocket?
i felt open and not in a good way.
we never spoke again.
i was on youtube today and came across a scene from one of my favorite movies.
“american beauty“.
i watched it when i was really young and it made me feel uncomfortable.
when i watched this scene as an adult,
i totally understood it…
it was the above scene when the colonel fitts,
who was struggling with his sexuality,
mistook the language from kevin spacey’s character due to his vulnerability.
the tone of his voice
“let me get you out of these clothes”
saying he didn’t care his wife was out fuckin’ her side piece
“our marriage is a sham”
of course,
someone who is gay and struggling would misinterpret that language.
if a male spoke like that to a vixen,
in her most vulnerable state,
either she would misinterpret too or it’d be:
colonel fitts spent his entire life in a cage and someone who he is really into looks interested.
for males in the closet,
he finds connections to other males who are free or comfortable within themselves.
for them,
it is a consistent state of feeling vulnerable.
Vulnerability is a mind game
you see the mistakes we have made when we were vulnerable.
said the wrong things.
did the wrong things.
fucked the wrong people.
i lost my half-a-virginity to an asshole because i was vulnerable.
some males,
who are straight or slightly curious,
don’t realize how they make lonely gay males feel.
dating isn’t easy and when the “straight” male of your fantasies shows some kind of vulnerability,
and treats you differently than other males,
we automatically think he is “one of us“.
when our lives don’t revolve around clubbing and endless hookups on apps,
it’s easy to get wrapped up in the countless designer imposters in our real lives.
the ones we think want us but are scared to admit it.
The one from school
The one from your job
The ones who are friends of family members
every encounter feels like one step closer to getting what you want.
sometimes it works out; other times it doesn’t.
that has been the theme with certain males in my life.
males love getting close to me,
treating me differently,
showing these signs they want more from me,
but end up pulling back,
ghosting,
or being confused why i fell for them.
thank God for therapy and life experiences to share on this platform.
check out “american beauty” foxhole.
lowkey: even if we get this male of our dreams,
it’s not over.
sleeping around doesn’t mean it’s over.
clubbing every night doesn’t mean it’s over.
getting a ton of likes on pics and videos on ig doesn’t mean it’s over.
we do all these things in hopes of fulfilling ourselves and it’s not over.
it becomes an addiction that raises our vulnerability even more.
I don’t get the point of misleading people. Don’t project your insecurities or need for attention onto me. You know that I’m gay so why put yourself in that position? For some reason I attract these types of guys and it frustrates the hell outta me.
^110%!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s exactly what it is
And it’s sad that everyone goes through this and straight women will say “me too” but it’s different ..do you know how many guys “first real date” I was???? At big 26/27
This community doesn’t value the courting process or the getting to know eachother it’s based in physicality. We say “be friends first” so ppl pursue even a friendship with ppl they want to date this leads to a lot of hurt feelings and misleading as well bc you want someone a and they can’t be honest so they date everyone BUT u with hopes that you’ll just “catch a hint” grown ass men who can’t say things with their chest and need therapy to heal childhood trauma they’re making ppl pay for 10-12 years later. Gay culture It’s like adult high school. Going to Atlanta every holiday when in a pandemic just to be seen and maintain their level of clout. If u can’t sit at home in your own company (many cases, these ppl have already had it once or twice) God only knows what their sexual health is like. We normalized popping a pill to fuck anyone raw, already with prep like they can’t catch anything else …… it’s really a clusterfuck
and in times like these being by yourself is safer but the fake relationships gays plaster all over social media Make us feel like we’re the ones doing something wrong. We don’t want to be alone so jackd, tinder, grindr
Are where we live, but bc of the importance we place on solely sex, the relationships are vapid and short lived , so honestly most of us (especially the ones sharing our partners) are perpetually lonely and/or single, anyway. We all want the same thing but don’t know how to give it to eachother. Think about the Number of dms u get from guys “in a relationship.”
My thoughts
You said so much here and all are valid points. No shade to us black men but I honestly feel like I’ll end up with a white man because it’s hard to find a black man living in his truth that doesn’t come with all the insecurities and stigma baggage. Correct me if I’m wrong but all of the men who flirted with me up until we had our moment then suddenly became “straight” were all black men. I’ve actually had sex with more white guys unintentionally but they knew how to close the deal. I usually meet men based off attraction and chemistry so I never assume their sexual preference until it’s revealed to me. I just started last month to purposely go after openly gay men just to save myself some headaches and heartaches. I don’t know if it’s wise or not based off of social media but hell it’s worth a try. Going off of the above post, it sounds like I should probably get a dog lol. I don’t want a vapid superficial relationship. I just want to have fun and be able to enjoy someone’s company and if it leads to more then great.
^these comments bring me so much sadness because i’m glad many can share their experience that has matched mine for many years.
keep it up 👍🏾
Don’t overthink it. You simply fall for emotionally unavailable men who themselves have deep-seated issues. It’s basic psychology. I’m sure if you back track you will notice that at one point in your conversations with these men that every last one of them was a flake in one way or the other. Don’t overthink it don’t complicate it and see a therapist. A great website that also helped me stop attracting these idiots is Getting to true love. Just Google it. Never second guess your first instinct about anyone. Also note that most black men have been raised in single parent homes so they do have an abandonment and emotionally unavailable complex. Good luck, choose wisely, you won’t be young forever.
My whole mood. But I appreciate this post 👏👏👏 … well said. Glad to know others go through this same thing.
^i felt compelled to write this tonight.
someone needed to read it.