*someone in the life will relate to this.
true story from my experience.
many moons ago,
when i was in entertainment really heavy,
i invited this dude over to my crib because he wanted to talk about his career in entertainment.
he said he was available after 11pm on a saturday night.
every time he saw me,
he flirted with me.
i assumed he was cumming to fuck the shit outta me.
i wanted him too because he was my type.
when he got over to my crib,
he was heavy on the flirting like it was verbal foreplay.
there was one point he was dancing and put his crotch in my face.
i’m usually not bold with wolves,
but i went decided to try something new.
when he sat on my couch,
he opened up his body language to me.
legs were open; hands were leaned back on the couch.
he had nice lips and i kissed him.
he kissed back and then said:
“...so i’m not gay.“
he wasn’t angry,
but he responded like this has happened many times before.
i felt so naked and vulnerable afterward.
it was a feeling i couldn’t explain.
feeling like someone had my secret in their back pocket?
i felt open and not in a good way.
we never spoke again.
i was on youtube today and came across a scene from one of my favorite movies.
i watched it when i was really young and it made me feel uncomfortable.
when i watched this scene as an adult,
i totally understood it…
it was the above scene when the colonel fitts,
who was struggling with his sexuality,
mistook the language from kevin spacey’s character due to his vulnerability.
the tone of his voice
“let me get you out of these clothes”
saying he didn’t care his wife was out fuckin’ her side piece
“our marriage is a sham”
someone who is gay and struggling would misinterpret that language.
if a male spoke like that to a vixen,
in her most vulnerable state,
either she would misinterpret too or it’d be:
colonel fitts spent his entire life in a cage and someone who he is really into looks interested.
for males in the closet,
he finds connections to other males who are free or comfortable within themselves.
it is a consistent state of feeling vulnerable.
Vulnerability is a mind game
you see the mistakes we have made when we were vulnerable.
said the wrong things.
did the wrong things.
fucked the wrong people.
i lost my half-a-virginity to an asshole because i was vulnerable.
who are straight or slightly curious,
don’t realize how they make lonely gay males feel.
dating isn’t easy and when the “straight” male of your fantasies shows some kind of vulnerability,
and treats you differently than other males,
we automatically think he is “one of us“.
when our lives don’t revolve around clubbing and endless hookups on apps,
it’s easy to get wrapped up in the countless designer imposters in our real lives.
the ones we think want us but are scared to admit it.
The one from school
The one from your job
The ones who are friends of family members
every encounter feels like one step closer to getting what you want.
sometimes it works out; other times it doesn’t.
that has been the theme with certain males in my life.
males love getting close to me,
treating me differently,
showing these signs they want more from me,
but end up pulling back,
or being confused why i fell for them.
thank God for therapy and life experiences to share on this platform.
check out “american beauty” foxhole.
lowkey: even if we get this male of our dreams,
it’s not over.
sleeping around doesn’t mean it’s over.
clubbing every night doesn’t mean it’s over.
getting a ton of likes on pics and videos on ig doesn’t mean it’s over.
we do all these things in hopes of fulfilling ourselves and it’s not over.
it becomes an addiction that raises our vulnerability even more.