Dear Me, You Suck

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insecurity can fuck your whole shit up.
i often admire those who truly don’t give a fuck.
they don’t care about the logistics of fuck giving.
if you stopped speaking to them today,
they would be off to the next tomorrow.
everyone has a level of insecurity.
no one is completely “fuck free”.
well i imagine those who escape death and live to tell about it.
maybe even old people.
i had to wonder…
how does one calm the screaming voices of insecurity inside their heads?

the voices that tell them:

you aren’t good enough
you are wasting your time
you will get hurt by him/her
you will not be anything
you are ugly
you don’t have a big ass
you are too skinny
you are too fat
you don’t look good in pictures
you will die

how do you escape that to truly like a “fuck free” life?
one that doesn’t involve taking your own life.
i had to wonder…

How do you co-habituate with insecurity?…

this whole work wolf thing has me so insecure.
its not even because he is “straight”.
ive dealt with randoms like him before.
this one is different because he wants my friendship.
i don’t trust people so this is so different.
well i’ve always felt like i wasn’t good enough.
other people have seen the good in me.
“the light” as they say.
i just tend to see all my flaws and no answers in how to fix them.

tumblr_lel2s06Lje1qahzdko1_500i was on a high when work wolf left yesterday,
one i should have stayed on,
but then it started to crashing down.
i started wondering if he was really my friend?
was he using me because i was smart?
is he just playing the game to get what he wants?

mind you he has:

brought me food
paid for different things for me
still hangs around me and knows i am gay
wants to do things with me now and in the future
gave advice and checks in on how mi and i are doing
initiates conversation with me first
does everything i say when i tell him do it
he damn near will cancel a vixen to speak to me.

…so why do i feel so insecure?
i don’t get it.

then when it comes to liar liar,
i don’t know why i allow her to take all my mental power.
i been asking him all the time about her.
if they are talking?
are they fuckin?
that wack hoe shouldn’t even be a convo.
even tho he claims he isn’t interested in her,
i still can’t stop thinking about him fuckin’ her.

tumblr_mnrbcnIiCo1qlw32to1_500i don’t know why that is such a big deal to me.
all the other vixens he has been with don’t make me feel as insecure.
she does.

see this is the type of shit that makes you burn bridges.
it ruins potential relationships.
YOU.
ME.
not them.
instead of just going with the flow,
you get wrapped up in trying to be “right”.
investigating things to calm your fears.
be the one to bust them in the act.
your “coldness” will eventually turn them away.
i don’t really have a lot of trust in men.
as a cub,
they were the ones who lied and bulled me.
ones i considered friends stabbed me in the back.
so its hard for me to give my all to a wolf.
i’m just waiting.
waiting to be “right”.
so i can run,
swim,
fly,
or “stop drop and roll” away and not get hurt.
tumblr_md9zakXRhc1r4w7qlo1_500the worst part looking back at some of the best wolves i had in my life?
the ones who were really interested in me that my insecurities sabotaged?
i was usually wrong.

…am i a mess?

please help me.

lowkey: i wrote this and literally just cried.
like couldn’t stop crying.
wow.
there is something here.
i need to explore it more.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

36 thoughts on “Dear Me, You Suck

  1. I used to go through this with friends, not knowing whether it was possible for me to even develop attachment to people, not knowing whether I was even worth talking to, and that if people ARE talking to me, its obviously because they need something from me. It wasn’t until I met one of my current best friends in Uni (straight wolf), that I started to realize, that a lot of my problems were because of the things I allowed myself to believe. I convinced myself of these things without having a reason to, I committed to the idea of being alone because I know no other reality.

    This used to hit me when my vixen friend would always be dating someone and I always had no one. I used to feel ugly, or that I was too this or too that, I’m not “cool” enough, or “exciting” enough or “attractive” enough but that’s not the case.

    It’s not me or you, Jamari, its the situation in which we’re forced to live in. You are feeling like this because we are not designed to suppress our emotions like this, suppression tells the sub-concious that whatever we are concealing is wrong, and then we start to try to justify why this is happening: ” you are ugly”, “you’re too fat” , “your ass is too this” “you’re not likeable” etc. We are trying to reason why we are not getting what we desire, and at the same time fighting our natures. It’s a defence mechanism, its not meant to be logical or true.

    The way to beat it? Know that this situation is OUT OF YOUR HANDS and whatever happens, will happen for the best, you have to train your subconscious to not stoop to those thoughts, and try to keep your mind occupied with other hobbies or errands, try learning something new, until you get used to “not feeling bad about it” and eventually, you will realize that you had no reason to care or worry in the first place.

    I’ll help you by starting off. Jamari, you are a catch and anyone with eyes can see that. You have a blog that people actually tune in and read what you have to say, so that means you’re an important person and have something important to give.

    You are WORTH those things that work wolf does for you because he can sense your value, so no, he is not using you, because you deserve that treatment; to have a real friend, he wants to hang out with you because he wants to hang out with you,you are his friend, that’s it, no ulterior motive. You are WORTH and deserving of his attention. Tell yourself these things until you’re convinced of it. It takes practice.
    I know this because of the things that you said came out of his mouth. It just doesn’t make sense for him to be “using” you at this point. There would be more signs. I hope this helps man, I’ve been there.Just remember, you ARE worth it!

    1. ^i woke up a mess today.
      all i did was thinking.
      nothing positive.
      all doubts and ways to try and sabotage this so i wouldn’t get hurt.
      I cannot do this to someone who maybe a potentially good friend.
      someone who has said I have helped him in many ways.
      it isn’t fair to him.
      I have to fix this ASAP.

      Thank you for everything you wrote.
      I am still a work in progress

  2. Jamari.. I connect with you on this also.. We all have insecurities but remember “The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.” One day this will all be a small moment in time and we need to just be happy, take chances, lie our best self and experience both spectrum of life.. imagine going through life being ONLY depressed, poor, selfish NO- you want to be able to say when this life is UP I had a fucking great time and helped others..

    Sorry to go there and this may be SO WRONG to do but this is my type of thinking – We will only know what you say about Star fox – that is the legacy he left for you to share with us- What will Work wolf say about you..?

    In regards to me?- I have a real hard time letting guys have my time- as I know it is precious- so I end up pushing them away and questioning myself and them.. I have a guard up for love because all Ive seen is it not lasting forever so I hate the fact I can give a guy so much of my time for him to one day walk away.. ? Is that weird? BUT recently I am starting to say “Who cares if he walks away- at least I would have the memories and that why life is ALL bout”.

    You are incredible, J and SO TALENTED – I need you to become everything you were born to be and see if or yourself- just enjoy work wolf- so far he hasn’t done anything to trouble you.. Give it one month.. then make a move- you DO NOT know what could happen.. you could be best friends/ boyfriends.. he could lead you to a new boyfriend (a guy he knows). Just enjoy life and focus on yourself and achieving goals..

    “Personal goals are only important to YOU- as only you know your goals” – that quote basically means nothing is real- you place importance on things in this life.. including what makes you feel secure & successful… think out it – How is all the people you idolise more successful than you? and who SAYS you can’t achieve what they have.. Life is about DOING..

    1. ^i am trying to just go with the flow.
      i let him imitate everything.
      I think my thing is im scared to be hurt and waiting to tell myself:

      “I told you so”

      Which isn’t healthy at all.
      i guess I have been hurt so much that now I expect to be hurt all the time.
      writing this entry opened up a floodgate of emotions because:

      1) it has been something I’ve been keeping inside for a while
      2) it has been hurting me and breaking me down

      it’s not even him doing it.
      It’s me.

  3. Awwww J! I know how you feel… Sometimes I feel like it’s worse for “us”… gay guys. We deal with SO MUCH BULLSHIT for so long that we create these monsters inside of us that try to demean us for everything we fucking do. I’m sure the straights have it bad sometimes, but doesn’t our pain seem 10x worse? SMH.

    Still J, keep your head up b. I’m sure all these feelings are coming up because you reaaaaaally have feelings for Work Wolf; insecurities because of circumstance. I KNOW every time I’m in question with someone I’m attracted to, yet nothing comes about the way I want it to, there comes that little monster, eating away at my pride.

    Just maintain. If it’s meant for you, it will happen for you. Learn to trust without fear… I’m sure he’s not out to get you. SHIT, I THINK HE’S TRYNA SCOOP YOU, IMO! LMAO, anyway, don’t let that little punk monster inside get to you. You have all the tools to destroy him, remember that.

    1. ^”you have all the tools to destroy him”

      i think I need to order new ones lol
      my old ones are not working as hard as I’ve been trying to fight.
      You know daily I google ways to help me overcome this?
      reddit has a section called “no fucks” I go to when I get low.
      it helps for a second and then i’m
      back to this place.

  4. good morning,

    all those questions and voices all of us have heard at some point in our lives. those things are basically lies and untruths that the enemy feeds us to get us off track. to get us to doubt our self worth, our beauty. for me, the only way to truly combat and defeat these lies etc is by reading and meditating on what God says about me. he says i’m beautifully and wonderfully made. we have the devil/enemy telling us the opposite. who are we going to feed more? what i mean is who are we going to allow to take up residence in your heart and your thoughts? The more you read about what God says about you the easier it is for you to deal with these moments. i’m to the point where i can call it out. i get one of those negative thoughts and I say, that is not from God and I’m not buying into that. Now we all have things we are working on, shortcomings, failures, etc. we aren’t perfect and we will never be. however, God still sees us as beautiful. He believed we were worth dying for. So others may think your butt isn’t big enough, or you aren’t muscular enough, don’t look good enough, your face isn’t smooth enough but Jesus feels you are to die for. So for me it boils down to this, who and what do you believe???? I’m going to believe my heavenly father, buck satan and his lies. for me it all comes back to a personal relationship with Christ. I know a lot of people get all sensitive and bent out of shape when you mention his name (JESUS), but i dare those to give him a try!!! We have all tried to do things on our own for a long time, where has that really gotten us??? Jamari, let Jesus work it out. Those insecurities, those doubts, those fears, will slowly decrease. we will always have certain thoughts but they won’t hold us hostage or take up all our energy. half the stuff we end up worrying about are lies and things that have not even happened. devil plays on emotions. what if, what if he did this, what if i say this. all the what ifs are draining and use up a lot of energy. again, God thinks you are wonderfully made, he thinks you are beautiful, he wants you to succeed. why waste your time on thoughts that contradict and challenge that. easy to say, i know, but if you really think about it we feed ourselves a lot of this negative energy. start feeding yourself some positive things. we also have to be more consistent. we can’t start telling ourselves, God says im beautiful for just a week and then go back to our old ways. we really have to make it a daily thing. sorry for my rant, but typing this helped me reaffirm a few things. so thank you for your entry because it just helped me!! Be blessed.

      1. No, thank you. that really did help me confirm a few things for myself. It beez like that sometimes LOL.

  5. If it makes the situation any better.. I always get upset when you don’t acknowledge any of my comments.. I know its stupid and your busy but… I feel am I good enough to comment of this site? haha.. It’s so stupid but.. you never know what people go through..

    1. ^dont ever feel like im ignoring you j.
      I read every comment and some things don’t even need a reply.
      some things are so deep that I just sit and process what was said.

  6. Ne t’inquiète pas mon cher. You gotta get out of your head. I understand insecurities but you have to work past them by acknowledging them and understanding them. Once you know where they come from you will be able to identify the ones that are complete bs and the legitimate ones. The bs ones throw them out right now and don’t waste any time on them. The legitimate ones look within and gradually work on them but understand even those ones should never be strong enough to break you.

    Understand that with work wolf there are still alot of unknowns and thats scary and probably compounds your anxiety. Yet als understand he is open to you. He has told you from his mouth how he feels, not romantically yet but possibly in a way laying that ground work. He told you he wouldnt betray you so just keep watching those actions to make sure he is consistent. So far hasn’t he been? He also told u he doesn’t talk to you like he talks to his niggas. Thats because he doesn’t see you in that lane he sees you more. He told you he knew the deal when he first met you, yet he kept coming around. There was something that made him want to get closer.

    Understand that this situation is real and yes you can be the one that gets the guy. Why not you. This is the guy that if we let insecurities in is supposed to be the one that is just straight no way he is in to guys. He is the one that the trannys say is only available to them. Fuck that shit Jamari. U know what it is u know the actions of someone who is friendly and some one who wants u. Just be free. I told u its not him thats uncomfortable its u. I think he knows eclxactly what he wants. Dont be afraid to ask questions when the time is right and dont wait to long. Foster the convos that will give you the answers because people cant answer what u dont ask.

    Most importantly understand that you are a good person and if he is to then u deserve him. U are thinking of all the reasons y it wouldn’t work. Think of the reasons y it can. Also understand you still dont have enough info so no sense in raking your brain but find solace in the info you do know and its good. Fuck liar liar she is nothin. If he wanted her he would have her, she hasnt stopped him so she dont matter. Plus yall thing is blossoming beyond work.

    Again just be open to whatever possibility. Right now it aint him or liar liar thats the issue its you. U shouldnt cohabitate with yo onsecurities. Kick them the fuck out to make room for work wolf. If it turns out its not what it is still keep that space for the wolf that is out there fro you. U gon be just fine cher.

    1. ^thank you Jay.

      im glad I wrote this.
      This has been bothering me for a while.
      i didn’t have the words before.
      when he came over here and all that happened,
      it opened something that allowed me to find the exact words to write.
      I need to try my hardest to let him
      And the positive in.
      maybe that’s what “love” is?
      it’s pure raw focus on the good things rather than what may go wrong.
      i don’t think any of this is intuition.
      its the enemy trying to destroy something I really like.

      1. Absolutely. Now understand that in your situation you cant let work wolf take 100% control. U have to just be free and honest with yourself and come to the conclusions that are best for you and what you want and will allow. If you made up your mind you want him and if he is open for that then go for it and choose the best way. You may also choose that its best to be just friends after you find out he wants you. Or if he actually is just straight and just only like you as a friend you can still be close. Just know you are worthy of choice as well, it aint all on his terms whatever it may be, romance or platonic friendship. All the anxiety will go away once you gain clarity. Clarity with your self and clarity with him so that you know exactly where he stands. Do you think you will get that and allow yourself that at least?

      2. All you have to do is ask at the right times ask the right questions. I mean to yourself and to him as well. Ask yourself what do I want, why do I feel this way. With him ask probing questions but treat it as getting to know more about him. Honestly it should come up in conversation because its perfectly normal to want to know more about your “friend” so he shouldn’t be scared off by any question.

        To gain clarity you can not be scared of what will be made clear. You can start a conversation that will lead to it. First you have to ask yourself what is it that you want to know. For example you can ask him bout new vixen. If his response indicates he aint checkin for her, then be the sly fox and ask is there then anybody else that he is interested in, or thinking about in that way. Answers to these questions will give you a lot of insight without making it seem you are talking about you.

        So to answer your question, clarity comes from being informed. U have to be the seeker of the information. In this situation, you have to ask questions. Im sure he will ask some of his own.

        1. ^ hmm this makes sense.
          im going to try this.
          i mean he tells me pretty much everything.
          somethings I feel he doesn’t tell the whole truth about,
          but again,
          that could come with insecurities.

          thanks Jay.

      3. I love every thing you said here jay. He’s right Jamari, let him lead, but remember there’s a ball in your court too. You are in part, responsible for the things that follow. You have the right to choose what happens to you and the direction of your relationship, Yes, you are letting him lead, but also give him a reason to sweat you as well.
        It’s okay to have a bad day, but you will have to shake it off, and not let your insecurities control what happens to you. Its okay to have insecurities, you can’t really get rid of ALL of them, but you can’t allow them to control your actions! You are in control of them, its up to you to take the reigns of your insecurities and the direction of your relationship!

    1. ^i guess im scared I’ll lose him.
      if he fucks liar liar,
      she will get in his head and fuck him completely up.
      i will be wrong,
      even though all of these things he does are pretty obvious.
      hell I feel everything he tells me is a lie to spare my feelings.

      it’s a lot of insecurity based on how I was lied to/betrayed before.

  7. You got me here at work about to Jump up to this post because I’m going through the the exact same thing. My school crush turned friend tells me how much he trusts me and how he never had a friend like me ( he doesn’t trust any of the females he talks to) he likes that I’m into different things and not about the hood life which is all he’s ever known.

    I feel like I’m in my head too much I waways have these thoughts of “what do you people see in me?” Or ” am I even attractive enough” it can be a mess.
    I have friends and family tell me all the time I’m cute and in point with a great personality but damn it if I can’t get a wolf I want to tell me these things.

    I understand what you’re feeling Jamari.

      1. I guess these guys get tired of the drama that some vixens come with. They see us as their homies that they can get affection from like they would a female without the hassle. Idk.

        My interactions with this wolf are not like how he treats his boys. Just like you said with how you and work wolf are. it’s like he some soft spot for me and we have our own jokes and way of being around each other that to the outside eye would look like a relationship.

    1. Maybe you need to tell yourself these things.. before anyone wolf has the right to tell you ‘”you re or not”..

  8. Maybe just maybe straight guy needs to have 3 close people in his life…

    The vixen – “The Physical” / The Straight Friends – “The Mental” / The Gay Guy – “The Emotional” … To balance everything out..

  9. ^ J you heard Sam Smith- Not In That Way?

    Everything’s is in good timing, when work wolf kisses you.. you’ll be like ‘why did it take so long?’.. in the meantime.. just enjoy it. Do more together.. find out if he is good at something and get him to teach you it.. make the time worth it until then..

    1. ^im so glad I wrote this.
      everyone has been so helpful.
      im going to go through this week without negative thoughts.
      I will remove all doubts and focus on us.
      no one else.
      i won’t investigate anything else either.
      ill strictly talk about anything involving us and that’s it.

      1. I had a lot to say but everyone already said it. I’m having the same issues and a lot of you’ll comments helped me. It does suck when the wolves we like still mess with females and we already know females win when it comes to (straight dudes).Jamari just let him continue to lead and you follow but not in a weak puppy dog way lol. Also Jamari does he ever get mad or kind of jealous when you talk about other dudes?

  10. Liar Liar is a non-factor, don’t view her as your competition, you will lose if you have that mindset. Focus on what you’re bringing to the table that she isn’t, he sees it, we see it. If he wanted her so bad he’d be at her crib as opposed to yours. She may have a pussy, but apparently you have his heart.
    Even if he fucks her, she’s not your competition, because you will give him something she can never give, even if you don’t get a relationship out of it, but that thing is: someone who cares;love.
    Don’t make her your competition by thinking about her! She’s a useless cumdump, even if he fucks her, guess who he will come back to? (you) Her fate is sealed imo LOL.
    You just have to KNOW what you’re bringing to the table, and this is a wrap!

    1. ^ya know…
      since you put it like that,
      she really doesn’t have him.
      my insecurities are blocking the bigger picture.
      i definitely have a piece of his heart.
      I don’t think any of those vixens do.
      new vixen is trying her hardest and failing because she is doing too much.

      he’ll he knows when im sad.
      I was surprised when he told me he knows my emotions.
      he has also been watching me as well.

      1. Yes he has been watching you. He been scoped you out. Why would a straight guy say the things he says and do the things he does to another guy especially one who he knows is gay. If he is teally just straight and wants u as a friend im gon be shocked. I know its deeper, he want u. He probably gon tell u his true desires soon. I mean i definately read into it when u said he said he is private bout things in his life. Sooner than u think yo reality is gon be that faith evans song “kissing you” lol.

      2. Yes, just let things happen, STOP THINKING LOL! and that’s ME telling you that. I overthink everything, but learning when to just say “it’s out of my hands” wipe your hands free from it, and just let things be, is liberating.

        You have everything you need with this man, at the very least, a good friendship which again, I stress is the most important thing.
        Don’t worry about the future or the past because we’re not there. Worry about your now and live in the present. Liar Liar is not your competition and she is irrelevant. All of his vixens are, because its not your business as of yet.

        All is good with work wolf and that’s all you need to know. Whatever happens in the future, is the bridge you will cross when you get to it!
        So chillax, and enjoy your Sunday, you have nothing to worry about brother! 🙂 Get your head in the right space, because you will only attract that energy back to you.

  11. Hey Jamari, I co-sign with the commenters who have told you to chill. And, I was among those who told you months ago to leave him alone because I thought his advances were possibly a part of a set up.

    As you have shared the way things have developed between the two of you, I think I misread him. It does seem as though he is genuinely interested in you. In fact, I think he was ready to take things a step further when he visited your place.

    I think, despite your insecurities, you have thus far played your cards very with him. That’s explains his continuing interest and kindness toward you.

    Where I differ with some of the others is the suggestions you pepper him with questions. Guys can be made uncomfortable if they feel as though they are being interrogated. He is already sharing so much about himself without your asking. Just remain chill.

    Now, there is something you have to ask yourself and you need to be honest about it. From all you have been saying since I have been following you, I don’t think you have been having any sex, unless you count your solo masterbating sessions. As a young man, I don’t think denying yourself is healthy at all. Yes, you’re protecting yourself from contracting anything, but you know how to indulge safely.

    The danger in suppressing your natural physical desires and needs is that you are building up so much stress inside which is mentally unhealthy. It also runs the risk of having you explode at some point and doing something reckless.

    What next? Ask yourself if you would be able to have sex with him without him being your lover. If you were to have sex with him and thoroughly enjoy it, would you be able to not pester him to become your lover? He is enjoying sex with different vixens because he enjoys sex with females. You are the one who has all this buildup inside because you are not having sex with anyone. That, I believe, is playing a major part in your overall anxiety.

    Whereas I am not a proponent of sex with colleagues, if the parties involved are mature, it can work. His statement to you that he was private and valued privacy was his feeling you out and letting you know that, were something to go down between the two of you, he would want you to protect his business and he would protect yours.

    May I suggest the next time he visits, be prepared. Let him touch you first. If he touches your leg, touch his or clapse his wrist and look him in the eyes. It could be awesome! Enjoy yourself. Live your life. You are deserving.

  12. You are human, it is normal to have certain feelings, but when those feelings begin to get in the way of the development of friendships and even relationships with other people that is an issue. At this point ol dude seems genuine and you need to reciprocate that Jamari. You cannot allow Liar get in your way, she is under your skin and she doesn’t even know it. Just do your part.

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