We all want to be free.
We all want to live life feeling secure without being insecure.
A hard feat for some of us, ain’t it?????????????????????
When we are young pups, we are brave and strong.
We are adventurous and want to do many things.
Our parents told us not to do something, yet, we still found ways to break the rules.
We had courage!
As we get older, we go through things that pretty much lock us down.
We start to feel insecure and throw up walls that we pray can never be broken.
All just to be accepted.
Am I speaking to anyone today?…
I want to be how I was when I was a pup.
I. Was. Bad.
I was rebellious, I asked questions, and I did what I wanted.
I did not have a care in the world.
I thought I was “most-est horrible-est” Fox in the world because I was always in trouble.
You know when your parents took you to someone’s house,
and in the car they would you: DO NOT ACT UP!
Or when you went to a store and your parents said: DO NOT ASK FOR ANYTHING!
… yeah, I never listened.
I still touched people’s stuff, ran through the house, and still asked for toys or games in the store.
Sad to say, they knew how I was and I still got my way…. sometimes.
As life went off, I started to get closed off.
I started to get insecure and I cared way to much what people thought.
People started to hurt my feelings and I became a wall.
“I want that old thing back…” – Ralph Tresvant
How do we drop all our insecurities and live free?
How do we tear down our walls and do what we want?
Is it even possible the older we get?
I see these men having mid-life crisis, buying new cars to relive their stolen youth.
Older women injecting themselves with plastic to hopefully bounce some new dick their way.
In the Wolf and Fox world, you got the older Wolves and Foxes paying younger for a sympathy fuck.
“That ain’t me…”
I started to wonder…
When people tell you that you are holding yourself back or you have a light that shines, how do you turn those things on?
If it is as easy as flicking a switch, where the fuck is it?
How do you become everything everyone says we are (or the thing we are holding back), when you are comfortable in a “rut”?
I notice a lot of Foxes and Wolves deal with this, even myself at times.
It made me wonder:
How do we turn on our star?
Having confidence. On some existential type -ish.
This post has spoke to my soul. I have always taken the easy and safe road, did what everybody says I should do, go to college, save money, pay bills, Im financially stable but so unhappy, now that I am older I will tell younger people to do whatever the hell they want to do as long as it dont hurt or kill them because you only get one life, and its no sadder road to go down than “what if I only followed my heart” lane. I saw Fantasia in concert and she has this part in her show were someone is interviewing her and they ask her what does she think of what the people are saying about all the drama in her life and she says “Fuck Them” that little tidbit right there opened my eyes in so many ways. The people we are sitting worrying about pleasing could give a damn and have lived/ and or living their life. I think as black gay men we go overboard trying to please our Str8 family members and friends so that they can accept us and we end up missing a great deal, it seems like white gay dudes are much freer to live life on their terms and not worry about all the baggage we do. Real talk I would love to at least said I had a real meaningful relationship with a man before I leave this earth, so far I have come up empty. Maybe you can do a topic on who knows any SGL Black Male Couple in long term relationships, the few I know are really a mess and dont give me much hope.
^^I am glad you found comfort in this entry tajan.
Even though it didn’t get a great number of comments,
it helped me to release something I was holding in.