accountability and holding myself accountable.
my therapist told me i should try something new.
at the end of every week,
whether saturday or sunday,
write an entry about:

Good things that happened (no matter how small)
Things I struggled with

get everything i need to get out as far as feelings and emotions.
at the end of every entry,
add the next steps for the upcoming week.
in doing this,
it helps others understand they aren’t alone and can help them take accountability too.
i don’t expect many to respond,
but i’m willing to try this for myself and my development…

WEEK: May 10th – May 16th (POSITIVES)

haven’t felt anxiety or thrown up due to anxious feelings

starting to unpack the trauma i’ve held onto

got 2 coupons for 30% on dunkin donuts

utilizing my calendar and getting tasks done

being a shoulder for a friend who has been struggling

felt motivated to write on foxhole; wasn’t emotionally drained to take a break

so grateful for my readers and those who support me in this village.

WEEK: May 10th – May 16th (NEGATIVES)

my father hasn’t reached out since we last spoke.
surprise,
surprise.
he actually awakened a lot of trauma that deals with rejection and trauma.

i had to put connie on an ignore because she started sending me a lot of pictures of her daughter this week.
her daughter is all about brand names and material possessions,
which is dope for her,
but my “lemme give a fuck” cup is running on empty.
i don’t know her so it’s coming off as bragging.

going on my personal social media makes me depressed.
there are a lot of hurt feelings tied into that social media.
blocking and unfollowing people is really extra to me,
but i have to find a way to realize i’m just as good as people in my real life.
many of them have made me feel rejected and unaccepted.

i keep claiming unemployment and no one has answered the phone at their office.
no one told me i was denied or i never for a letter/email.
thank God i saved money,
but it’s running low.

i think i created trauma from how my last job turned out.
the way they let me go really turned me off from working other jobs.
i thought i was depressed and unmotivated,
but i’ve realized it all stems from rejection.
looking for my career goals makes me feel a certain rejection and un-acceptance as well.

everyone is outside,
having a good time,
posting their good times,
and i feel too much like a loser to leave my crib.
i don’t have the funds to be going out right now and it feels depressing.

creating fear-based ideas and thoughts in my head about things that haven’t happened.

i’ve been comparing myself to other people and their accomplishments.

my birthday is in a month and memorial day is in 2 weeks.
i have no plans.
well,
an alleged road trip,
but i don’t know if that’s gonna go down.
i’d like to travel but i can’t afford it.

i been feeling like i don’t know what my purpose is anymore.

NEXT STEPS FOR UPCOMING WEEK

haircut

laundry

be gentle with myself and my emotions

understand people are posting the end of their stories and not the whole story

finish reading my current book

email 2 companies about sponsorships/ads by wednesday

tunnel vision about what i’d like to accomplish before the end of the month

achieve book for foxhole book club and pick a start date

organize panels for “toxic caribbean parents” and “being a pick me”

work on a much-needed trip back to barbados

lowkey: i felt a sudden release writing this.
it helped me feel something i haven’t felt in a while too.
i’m hoping i can keep up with it.
i wanna look back and see how far i’ve come.