Getting High Makes Your Thoughts All Shiny and New

39780-Staring-Foxthere was a time when star fox and i were not speaking.
it was very early in our friendship.
i was running with some popular straight wolves.
wolves that i thought liked me as a person.
they had me doing a lot of dumb shit,
but i wanted to prove my “straightness” to the world.
well in a “fuck shyt” move,
i chose those clowns over star fox.
actually i dropped karaoke as well.
see they weren’t “straight” and “hood”.
my insecurities made me look at them as the bad guys.
well ain’t it funny…
they betrayed me and left me at the side of the road.
who came to pick me up and dust me off?
the same star fox.
karaoke also let me back in her life again.
star fox told me how much i hurt him when we finally talked about it.
it took a while to recover our friendship,
but i never did it again.
the lesson was learned.

i have been in a “post high hangover”.
it has been a lot of sleep,
water,
r&b music,
and deep thoughts.
i thought a lot about my friendship with work wolf mostly.
  i realized something…

aside from liking him,
and that one incident two weeks ago,
he hasn’t done anything wrong to me.
hell if anything,
i should be very appreciative.
he has done things for me that he didn’t have to.
hell he literally hands me his credit card and tells me buy what i want.
i was actually thinking of slowly distancing myself from him.

why tho?

i had no solid answer to back up that decision.
i always flip flop with him.
im scared.
i’m very fuckin’ scared.
when i write about him to express myself,
it creates a lot of comments from my the foxhole.
like a lot.
i have experienced many a dragging.
tumblr_inline_nv3ync9mpx1raexrf_500 tumblr_inline_nv3ynovULn1raexrf_500sometimes i get wrapped up in those comments.
i don’t care what anyone says.

work wolf is attracted to me.

he does things that no average straight wolf does.
the thing is,
i also see how deeply confused he is.
he may never want to even do anything with me.
his comfort may just be an emotional relationship.
i need pipe tho.
in my tail.
in my mouth.
in my ear.
tumblr_mb76erHBj81qmfh3wso i won’t be waiting around.
sorry.
as we get close tho,
i start to see just how much he is that i once was.
that’s not meant to be an excuse,
but i do feel sorry for him.
how can i drop someone because they aren’t “together” yet?
star fox and karaoke didn’t drop me.
hell they put up with my constant mistakes.
they also dragged the fuck outta me when i didn’t ask for it.
karaoke especially.
she always been good at giving a gut punch.
i had to wonder what my life would have been like if they left?

the foxhole wouldn’t exist
 jail
killed myself off a long time ago

i need to stop expecting him to be something he isn’t.
that’s my fault.
he might not even be the wolf for me.
i do value our friendship and i can see myself loving him.
he told me he loved me just the other day.
i didn’t reply.
who knows if he was serious or not.
thats my own insecurities about the “l” word.

tumblr_inline_n8ow7uskG21qkff7vi feel i’m his “star fox”.
he isn’t in my life to help me,
but for me to help him.
we could be friends forever or friends for a season.
we could end up fucking or i may fuck his soul up.
i don’t know.
all i know is i need to not let my attraction destroy “this”.
i also need to accept him for who he is,
but realize he may or may not be ready for any change i suggest.
i can’t control him.
i can only give suggestions and give him space to make mistakes.
  oh and a much needed dragging when i feel fit.
i learned from the best.

thats it.

oh and i’m not going to be perfect with him.
i’m trying.
if you truly have my back,
you will understand.
if not…
i completely understand.

tumblr_mwlbo8cRFF1svecmko1_500deal?

37 Comments

    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^well damn gina!
      did not know she had a song out.

      September 26, 2015
      Reply
    • Y Colette said:

      That song was produced by B. Shade aka Tonex who was a gospel singer who was shunned by gospel industry because he came out as gay.

      September 27, 2015
      Reply
  1. TommyPickles said:

    I support you J. 👍🏾

    September 26, 2015
    Reply
  2. mikey kun said:

    Love the lesson learning story from your past, real friends love you put you in your place and move on from things. Whatever way you want to be with work wolf is your decision. People are going to voice their opinion on it of course but at the end of the day it’s all on you and what you feel like doing, so just keep doing you j. Nothing but love and support from this fox holder! 😜

    September 26, 2015
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^it all came to me like an hour ago.
      work wolf conflicts me.
      i won’t lie.
      he is confusing,
      stubborn,
      does dumb shit,
      and has his asshole moments.

      now let me list what people get annoyed with me about.

      September 26, 2015
      Reply
  3. Eric said:

    Jamari you have my support I’m glad you posted this you are telling your truth and I respect that so much.

    September 26, 2015
    Reply
  4. Tony said:

    Yall need to chill in a private place. Yall always out in public. Have a Netflix and chill night and allow him to open up in safe environment just you and him

    September 26, 2015
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^i honestly don’t think he is ready for that.

      September 26, 2015
      Reply
      • Tony said:

        You have to invite him over or suggest it. Its just friends hanging. Stop the passive aggressive behavior and just suggest it. It can’t hurt

        September 26, 2015
      • Jamari Fox said:

        ^i have.
        a few times.
        it’s not like I haven’t or even tried.

        September 26, 2015
    • paulyrical said:

      I totally agree, the only way he is ever going to find out what this guy feels is to be alone with him sitting face to face in a private quiet setting like someones apartment. Not a moive, not a resturant, not shopping, not at work. You can bring the wine, he can bring the weed.

      September 26, 2015
      Reply
      • Jamari Fox said:

        ^he has to make that suggestion.
        i personally think he is really conflicted with me.
        he likes me,
        but he is also trying to battle what a “gay man” is.
        it’s like he has been fucking with chicks all his life and here i come along and fuck his world up.
        i have invited him over and he never came through.
        so he has to make that move and I’ll go from there.

        if that make sense?

        September 26, 2015
  5. Lindo said:

    Literally a few minutes ago I was reading this article about this guy who didn’t know he was gay and I instantly thought of Work Wolf because maybe he doesn’t know he is gay which could explain why he is so unsatisfied being a woman and why he is emotionally close with you.

    Here a statement that stood out when I thought of Work Wolf: “It wasn’t that it felt wrong to be with men: to flirt with them, make out with them, text them the next day. It was just that all that stuff had happened in black and white, or on mute.” Just like Work Wolf he just get bored with all the vixens too quickly and doesn’t emotionally invest in them which is why he cheats a lot on them.

    Another that stood out is how he pretended to dominate you with the bullshit when he told the girls that he send you home like you’re his bitch or something. I believe you showing him the other side, the gay side, will later become his truth because he is brand new to gay world, plus the fact that he is super curious about it say a lot. Me knowing str8 men, they don’t want any type of information about “the gays”.

    Then allowing you to touch him at the movie theater. Look at the clues.

    here a link to the article I was reading: http://www.buzzfeed.com/carmenrios/i-didnt-always-know-i-was-gay#.quqDQe25w

    September 26, 2015
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^thanks for this article!
      im going to read it now Lin.

      September 26, 2015
      Reply
  6. blacktopde9 said:

    You have my support. Just invite me to the wedding

    September 26, 2015
    Reply
  7. paulyrical said:

    He’s probably is just as afraid to make any move in that direction just as you are, probably for the same reasons, you both are afraid of judgement from the other. I’m not saying anything has to happen if you are alone with him. But the odds are less likely in public. You could invite him over to play video games eat hamburger helper and smoke blunts while football is on in the background. Say no homo every five minuets if that makes him feel more comfortable and masculine. Yall just need some time alone to be friends, real friends if nothing else.

    September 26, 2015
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^i agree.

      i think the more we go out,
      the more it lowers his conflict.
      it’s slow and steady.
      sometimes I feel like is trying to avoid “something happening”.
      im not going to force someone to do something just so I can get an answer.
      when it happens; it happens.

      ill do my thing in the meantime.

      September 26, 2015
      Reply
      • paulyrical said:

        like Iyanla would say, if it wasn’t said then that’s something you made up to make you feel comfortable. But I understand where you are coming from when it happens it happens.

        September 26, 2015
      • Jamari Fox said:

        ^thank you for understanding.

        i know being around him,
        he isn’t ready yet.
        i can tell with his energy he is slowly becoming comfortable.

        September 26, 2015
  8. jay said:

    The truth has to come out though. This ambiguity is what causes all the back and forth with you two. Both are conflicted and frustrated and that eventually boils over. I said before there is a pattern. U have to understand that work wolf may have always liked guys but never was around one that he was comfortable with. From yall interaction it seems like he gets to peek in to that world without getting his feet wet. He inquires so much because he knows he has those desires. He is conflicted though because he doesn’t know what that means in regards to vixens. Its hard for a guy who has always seen himself as straight to be anything but that. He is worried about people talking because he knows they are figuring him out.

    I understand you want to let things go as they are but we also have to be pro active in our relationships. If you really are present in work wolfs life to help him you cant always be passive. You have to at some point get to the bottom of yall relationship. If he for some reason is str8 you still have to get clarity. Its all about balance. You spoke of timing but its not always about how far you can get with touching him, get answers. You all are going to continue this crazy game as long as the ambiguity exists and its may not always be something an apology can resolve. Its time for clarity.

    September 27, 2015
    Reply
  9. Trey said:

    Loved reading this! I’m so happy you’re allowing this relationship to just be. No talk of doing stuff to get the right reaction out of work wolf. No stressing every action and interaction between you two. You’re finally just being, Jamari, and I’m so happy for you. I’m not gonna lie. I was most definitely one of the foxhole members judging but, I think in a lot of ways it’s because I along with others saw some of our own past insecurities playing out in your stories. It’s that feeling of this happened to me so I wanna protect the next person from going through this. I just hope you continue just letting things be. Continue being awesome, have some fun, and just enjoy life.

    September 27, 2015
    Reply
  10. paulyrical said:

    One last comment: Here is the prime difference between gays and straights. Women see a man they like, they beguile, manipulate and flaunt to get him attracted and the man is intrigued by it all even flattered by the attention. But as gay men what must we do to intrigue another man we are not sure is interested? We can’t just meet men “normally” in public. It has to be online, in bars, clubs, gay events, and the ones we meet in those arenas are usually not the one’s we find interesting. Otherwise we just sit and wait for someone to tap us on the shoulder and say I want you……..which never happens.

    September 27, 2015
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^story of my life.
      you just spoke the story of my life.

      September 27, 2015
      Reply
  11. cew1229 said:

    I’m very proud of you.

    September 27, 2015
    Reply
  12. Dee said:

    . . You’re killing me with these adorable fox gifs, so fluffy I could die.

    You’re completely on point with this post, love it. Seems like you really thought clearly about this, no emotions involved. Emotions can really cloud your mind and make decisions difficult.

    When you’re not feeling bad while high you can remember so much shit and think more easily without any negative thoughts.

    I have a question for you if you read this. Did you notice anything more about Work Wolf while you two were high? I swear I peep so much more shit while high. 😁

    September 27, 2015
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^thanks for the comment dee.

      i actually did.
      his eyes looked really sad.
      there is a sadness and “unsure” to him.

      September 27, 2015
      Reply
  13. immanuel22 said:

    You’re in love. Period. You can’t fight that just go with the flow. Good luck.

    September 27, 2015
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^um he better be in love with me too.
      this ain’t no one way loving street.
      lol

      September 27, 2015
      Reply
      • immanuel22 said:

        LOL I know that’s right!

        October 1, 2015
  14. Ziah said:

    Jamari…you sound like you got “gold digger” tendencies…. just saying… 🙂

    September 27, 2015
    Reply
  15. Mark V said:

    I feel like you expect a lot out of Work Wolf. He’s clearly not use to being around gay guys, so he’s ignorant to a lot of it. When he says something off the wall, just explain it to him, and keep it moving it. He clearly likes you, and wants to be your friend. One day at a time.

    October 5, 2015
    Reply

Play nice, stay on topic, and for the love of God: NO SPAM IN THE FOXHOLE!