You’re Not Dead But The Negative Thoughts Are Trying To Kill You

your mind can have you so fucked up.
like,
it can have you feeling like you really ain’t shit out here.
it only happens when you’re at your lowest place.
you forget all the positives during that point.
last night,
i suddenly got so sick

now,
i was feeling good yesterday.
i was listening to this electronica mix on spotify.
my vibration was high and strong.
it wasn’t until i got the call about not getting the job,
that my whole mountain went upside down.
i had all these thoughts shoot into my head:

“you are doomed.”
“you are about to be homeless.”
“you did something wrong and this is your karma.”

i decided to take a nap to reset my hard drive.
it didn’t last long because i couldn’t stop thinking.

“this is the end.”
“maybe you’re not supposed to live past this point.”
“no one will hire you and you’ll be broke.”

so i got up and wrote the entry.
later on in the night,
my body felt so weird.
i wanted to throw up,
i felt like i was gonna faint,
and i had no appetite.
i felt this tight pressure in my stomach.
when i tried to lie down to sleep:

“life is over.”
“unemployment is going to run out soon.”
“sent 100+ resumes and only two called me back.”
“you aren’t white so you will suffer.”

needless to say,
i didn’t sleep.
so i went on my social medias to escape.
everyone i know is happy af.
they are going places,
traveling,
fuckin’,
and making moves.
even ww,
someone who did me wrong,
is living his best life according to his social media right now.

the worst thing you can do is go on your social media during a low point.
the absolute worst thing.

 i have my phone on do not disturb because i’m not with the shits.
not only that,
i’m feeling sick af for no reason at all.
what a time to be alive!

lowkey: i can only imagine what it’s like for a baller wolf.
one who gets cut from a team/injured.
they have more bills than i do.
i pray the universe can help all of us out there in the struggle.
from the ones who fell off great mountains to those on the way.
we gonna be good soon.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

14 thoughts on “You’re Not Dead But The Negative Thoughts Are Trying To Kill You

  1. I know these feelings and have experience them on a regular, its really my anxiety doing the most, thus having me do the most with my thoughts. I’ve been working on getting back to being positive thinking by doing some of the smallest things that make a difference to me. Writing down things I’m grateful a few times a week having food, (seeing another day in the right mind, even to being able to dress myself).

    I’m also working on not worrying so much about my current situation and future, my coworker told me ” Stop worrying so much you took it to God let him handle it . if you fucks with him like you say you do he got you.”

    It’s ok to be upset foe a minute but don’t drown in it

    1. ^”I’m also working on not worrying so much about my current situation and future, my coworker told me ” Stop worrying so much you took it to God let him handle it . if you fucks with him like you say you do he got you.””

      so crazy how when i was worrying if i got the job,
      i said i was giving it all to God.
      i would let him handle it and i’d move on.
      it’s funny how i legit proved i don’t trust he has my best interest at heart.

      that made me feel sad because i’m showing after all he has done,
      i don’t trust him right now.
      thank you mikey for pointing that out.

      1. It’s nothing I do it too, I stay second guessing myself all the time and just worrying away. I forget that God has been there for me. I think for us we put too too much of ourselves in the wrong things ( people, jobs, etc) and so when we lose or on the verge of losing those things we go into panic mode. Like when I make a mistake at work / or some situation doesn’t work out in general I just can’t let it go, it tends to stay with me all day and sometimes for days after just causing more unnecessary stress.

  2. Sometimes in life you wonder wtf did I do? You start questioning who I hurt, what did I do in my past life.

    Going on social media when you at rock bottom is so depressing. You see everyone showcasing their highs, but not their lows. It really fucks with your mental state.

    I don’t know what advice I can give you. Time is fucking ticking, of course I can tell you to stay level headed and positive, but those bills are coming.

    If I had some money, even $20 to spare I would donate it on your site, but like you I am tapped out.

  3. Jamari, I don’t like that your feeling like this, life is not easy and some of us will go through so many trials and tribulations before we get to our happiness. I honestly stop messing with social media a while ago, I still have it but don’t post or go up there that much. Seeing everyone posting pictures of their happiness will mess with your mind, and have you feeling like your a nobody, and that your life sucks. I use to be so addicted to social media, but one day I decided to stop being so much into it. Yes, it was hard but I had to cut back a lot on it, and I advise you do the same. Also, where are your friends Jamari? Where is that wolf that was interested in you last month? You need to have people around you who you can talk to and maybe can help you with your job hunting. I always say you will be fine and I’m holding onto that.

    1. ^i told my friends i needed some time.
      i just wanted to be alone to sort through what i was dealing with.
      plus i’m feeling out of it with whatever is happening in my body.
      crackers is the only thing i’m keeping down.
      that wolf is like any wolf.
      sent him a text a week ago,
      after all that gas he had,
      and waiting on the response.
      i took him out my phone.

      you always come through with a kind word e.
      thank you for thinking of me and keeping me uplifted in your prayers.
      i’ll turn my phone on tomorrow.

  4. I swear we are going through the same thing. My day started off like yours, but by the middle of the day, my body and mind just caved in. I had to force myself to eat last night and this morning, and to just keep pushing ahead. I just need to rest and refocus on what I truly want because right now this isn’t it.

    1. ^i’m praying for you j!
      i think we both need to sit down and truly just give it to God.
      this might be a bad season for us,
      but they don’t always last long.
      maybe all the rain lead to a bountiful next season.

  5. Unemployed for 4 years now. Great education from great schools but when that economy tanked so did job opportunities. I use to go over my life such as yourself and wonder what did I do wrong? I’ve come to realize that I haven’t done a dayum thing wrong and it’s just the way this economy is now. So with just accepting that fact I wake up each day stress free. Granted I’ve lost everything and i’m starting all over again but this time i’m doing what i want to do with my life. I refuse to accept anymore shitty jobs dealing with shitty clients just to pay the bills so this fall i’ll be starting medical school. So keep your faith and keep working on your passion. Obviously, blogging and your creative ways to use the English language is your gift. Definitely rooting for your to get through this storm because I, personally, know it is rough as hell.

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