You Use To Be Homophobic Too

tumblr_n5f6flSLok1se7qtio4_1280homophobia has always been so interesting to me.
i always wondered why people are homophobic?
like whats the story?
everyone has a reason why they don’t like something.
hell vixens can be homophobic towards gay men.
you’ll be surprised who has the most to say during an episode of “empire”.
well i use to be homophobic.
for me,
it started when i was a teenager

my parents use to talk about gays real heavy growing up.
you know…
the obvious ones.

in stores
at church
on the street

it didn’t even matter.
they looked at gays like pure filth.
it scared me.
the word “faggot” was always thrown around.

“jamari…
don’t ever let us find out you are.
that you even think it…”

words from my mother.
meanwhile i was.
well i was confused.
the only thing in my mind once i caught myself looking at a wolf:

my parents will hate me if they found out

see in my family,
it wasn’t really tolerated.
i had a female cousin who is/was bi.
well she was a “dick-a-dyke”.
she is happily married now.
well her “life choice” created fireworks.
it made me feel like i needed to always keep my “feelings” in check.
so i tried to suppress my desires as much as i could.
it wasn’t easy.
school was tough.
gym was torture.
even though i was desiring to get dick,
i would join in when the straights were talking about the obvious gays.
it was wrong,
i know,
but it was how i was “taught”.
i’m more “don’t give a fuck“ since my parents are dead now.
others aren’t so lucky.
they didn’t have parents die and have to raise themselves.
you get a whole new set of balls when you pay your own rent.
i don’t have anyone to answer to.
i get it tho.
its not easy to “accept” all this.
this is what keeps people deep inside their closets.

i always thought anyone who is homophobic is hiding something.
i could be wrong,
but the biggest homophobes are usually the biggest homos.
they are basically fighting against what they don’t want to accept.
some are even fuckin’ the same sex,
but still acting like they don’t understand it.
that’s the part that confuses me.
if you are fuckin’ with the same sex,
why even broadcast your hate?
once you get caught up,
it makes you look like a fuckin’ idiot.
so when i hear about straight wolves,
like suraqah and george hill being homophobic,
i have to wonder…

What secrets are they hiding?
Or are they just ignorant and need guidance?

see thats where i’m getting at.
can someone who is homophobic simply just be ignorant?
is there usually a “story” behind the hate?

upbringing
church
resenting family member who is gay
molested/raped

…or simply just not knowing.
that’s what creates ignorance.
when you don’t know shit,
but you just need a couple doors opened.
we are all ignorant to a ton of shit,
but it isn’t until we get our “wake up call” that we get it together.

so what does it take for a homophobe to wake up?
meeting a new friend?
meeting a new lover?
or as the times change,
so does their mind?
i also feel like homophobes have this outlook of gays that is warped.
either:

 some zangief from street fight lookalike,
in all leather,
that will anally rape them in an alley

or

a sissy who is overly feminine and makes them uncomfortable

what they don’t know is that’s far from the truth.
i am gay,
but i personally don’t feel comfortable around queens.
its not that i’m repressing my femininity.
nope.
the reason is simple:

i.
don’t.
like.
messy.
ass.

bitches.

…and most of the queens,
masculine or feminine,
that i have encountered have all been messy ass bitches.
so because of that,
i tend to stay away from most gay events.
that could also be the homophobe way of thinking.
i have the experience for my assumptions tho.
homophobes are full of inexperience with theirs.
i don’t know.
can’t tell you.
its always been interesting to me tho.
it was meeting star fox that killed my homophobia.
maybe they need someone like us to kill theirs?

tumblr_mb75unwTLN1qmfh3w…or am i too optimistic?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

39 thoughts on “You Use To Be Homophobic Too

  1. I’m not comfortable around queens or flamers either. I have a cousin like that..and he fits the stereotype to the T…drama mama!! LOL
    I can’t stand people like that. Tells me they’re unhappy with themselves.

      1. Hurt people hurt I feel like we have to really trust and know the people we hang around, and who we let into our space because the enemy comes to steal kill and destroy. Love everyone as our lord loves us.

  2. This post speaks volumes, when I was younger I in school everyone could tell I was gay, I was very soft and didn’t get into to much rough housing. My parents knew it because they would ask me, and even though we all knew the answer I couldn’t bring myself to say yes, so I would hid behind the excuse that I was nerdy and shy.

    Now that I’m in my mid twenties I really don’t give a fuck and just do me. I really can relate to you on so many point in this post , but the number one is gay related events. I’m not some masculine macho guy or pretty boy that’s praise in our community and I don’t fit in with gays who are about drama, meaness, or gossiping about others. I see the lifestyle these Gays on IG live and wonder maybe the reason I’m don’t have a boyfriend is because I’m not at these gay events and being about that life. Sometimes I think I’m standing in my way because I’m putting people in a box instead of getting out there.

    P.S. who here use to feel embarrassed when a gay kiss scene came on tv or a movie and your parents were in the room with you 🙋🏽

    1. I agree.. You look at the events & get FOMO and start to think that your fault that you’re single.. I know that feeling

  3. I think it’s something that is taught to most of us. We’re typically taught to look down on anything that is considered “different” or “other” and being gay falls into that category. I’m not big on the gay scene either. It seems like too much of a competition, especially on social media.

    1. Thank you. For me a queen is a feminine gay not necessarily messy. Everybody can be messy, masc fem str8 gay. But what i noticed and what bothers me more than strà homophobia, is that even in the gay community, feminine guys are looked down like they’re less than. “Normal” ie masculine gays would say things like “they’re too gay” and other shits. How can they be “too gay”? Like being masculine makes them less gay than them? What’s wrong with being flamboyant anyway? If that’s what makes you happy go ahead. You don’t like their lifestyle, you don’t agree with the way the behave cause it’s too girly, you don’t feel comfortable around them like they’re plague-stricken or something. The exact same things a str8 would be called homophobic for, if he says them. I swear that internal homophobia is killing me. Gay is gay.
      Btw sissy is such a disrespectful term, so degrading, we should stop calling people like that. >>Sissyphobia: Gay Men and Effeminate Behavior<< is an excellent book, people should read that.
      And yes if you can't tell by what i wrote, i'm a big queen, sometimes flamboyant, not messy at all, only mindind my own shit working on my phd, not worrying about people's life, and i'm tired of the fact that even in the community i can't find some peace just because i'm not masculine enough, i'm not "normal" enough.

      1. Facts… I laugh every time they try to down-talk a feminine gay dude where I’m just there thinking “But YOU like d*ck too” so what makes you any better than the next? It’s ridiculous when you really marinate on it…

    2. 👏👏 There is also a difference between being feminine and being extra. I feel like those that act extra are trying to over compensate. You know the ones fighting with females constantly, being loud, and putting on a show like a clown.

  4. Depends on what you define as a homophobe. I feel like a homophobe goes out of their way to make their hate for homosexuals known.

    Now if you ask someone you know damn well is religious what they think about gays and gay marriage and they tell you they don’t believe in it or its against the bible, that’s NOT homophobic. You solicited an opinion and you got one that you don’t agree with.

    Disagreeing with how someone does things does not equal hate.

    Some gays think anyone that isn’t in their amen corner is a homophobe.

    Some people say I hate gays, I’m distrustful of them. Big difference! A large portion of gay men happen to have character flaws and personality traits I would despise in anyone.

      1. Yes, I definitely encounter it on here but not as pervasive as in real life.

        For the record, it isn’t one of those “deep, seeing myself in it” qualities either. I genuinely rarely get along with other gay men. If I were to be in a space with two or more of them there’s a 90% chance I’d be swinging and pounding heads into brick walls happily, but I digress lol

  5. My history with my sexuality is surprisingly boring, but I think that’s because of my perspective on it, and the people in my life may or may not know, (probably do) but they are giving me my space.

    Growing up I was the quiet kid, and studious. One thing that always differentiated me from other shy kids was i would always defend myself and stand up against bullies, from young. I took up for my friends also.
    I was picked on and teased, for being more docile and “soft” and a little feminine, but I didn’t take it sitting down. I knew how to be a “boy” and scrap if and when i needed to. I knew from then, that I was a different person, wasn’t sure why, but I figured I was different.

    When I was about 6 i started doing swimming lessons and I think this is where i realized (in my own limited way) that i was predominantly gay. I remember thinking the swimming instructor was beautiful, and i liked him being close to me and seeing his body(not in a sexual way, it was just comforting) and i remember thinking about him after. I had a similar experience with one of my close day-care friends at the same age.

    It didnt happen again until puberty where I actually started getting called out because I a kid offered me a porn CD and i rejected it. ( I was like 13 and not even into it at the time, esp. not straight porn lol). Kids started recognizing feminine traits and started whispering about me being gay. I didn’t know what to think of myself at the time, because I did have a crush on a girl at the time too, while at the same time being attracted to some of the guys. I was homophobic at this time too, not really knowing the depth of sexuality let alone homosexuality or MY sexuality.

    By about mid high school, I knew what the deal was and accepted it. At this point the homophobia disappeared because I matured out of it. I just conflicted with my sexuality and my new found understanding of it. A lot of people would have guessed at that point, but a lot of people would still never guess. I don’t believe in telling people not because I’m ashamed, but simply because its my business, and I’m honestly too lazy to educate and correct people in my life. I don’t want the conversation simply because its just too much work. People can speculate what they want, but I have no interest in either explaining or defending myself. I am comfortable with the way I am, and understand myself quite fine, so i feel no need to justify it to others.

    I think these days I would be referred to as a verse or a masculine bottom, (think of Jussie Smollett or his character on Empire) Not super masculine but not fem either. Almost gender neutral, and swing from one to the other from time to time, but never the extremes lol.

    I say that all to say, homophobes are either insecure gay boys who have not accepted the truth, or have no idea what they’re talking about and don’t have the full capacity to understand a sexuality let alone a demographic other than their own, or they DO have that capacity and just still hate gay people due to religion, upbringing, cultural values, etc. There’s a lot that can go into it. It just varies from person to person.

  6. Some straight men can be just as messy,trifling,shady,etc as gay men.

    I have a soft spot for feminine guys in my life because I have witnessed the Hell they have gone through.Dealing with bullying ,verbal and physical abuse at school and just in my neighborhood.I am in awe of their strength for just surviving all the hatred they have to face.It reminds of the line from The Color Purple,”All my life I had to fight…”.I actually think they are stronger than the masculine guys who can pass as straight,who didn’t have to endure a childhood of being the target.I know the masculine guys have not had it easy either ,many have had to keep their sexuality a secret for years.Also the masculine guys have grown up hearing the same hateful comments about gays yet they have had to keep their identity a secret.They have also had to deal with stress,fear and anxiety of being of potentially being outed.One of the advantages of being extremely effeminate is everyone assumes you are gay so there is no fear of being exposed.

    1. What you said about the strength of the fems is what I thought for years as well. Its something that doesn’t get talked about. I find them very brave and fortuitous for being able to tolerate the open backlash through their childhood into their adulthood, but it leaves many of them psychologically bruised, beaten and damaged, and many times physically too. I know a lot of them are messy, but I believe there’s a lot of back story with a lot of them.
      This is a tough world we live in. A little understanding can go a long way, but fems and even people like myself who is on the cusp of both needs to realize that the world is just not as ready to understand as the media is trying to portray it. Be smart out here folks!

      1. When you had to fight all your life just to survive, you just keep fighting, because that’s all you know. You can’t show any weakness because as soon as they’ll see that, they gonna crush you. That’s how almost every fem gay guy think. You gonna act like nothing hurts you until it becomes true. You speak louder than everybody because you know they won’t listen to you but you need to be heard. You focus on school because you think maybe if you excel there they gonna forget about the rest, the fact that you’re not “normal”, maybe even they gonna accept you. As a feminine gay all you life is a fight, so when you see that your own people treat you like you’re less than, you’re not worthy, you feel very lonely, like you can lean on nobody. so i get why some are messy, it’s not an excuse at all but i get it.

        PS: thanks @Dignified :))

    2. “Some straight men can be just as messy,trifling,shady,etc as gay man……..It reminds of the line from The Color Purple,”All my life I had to fight…”

      And she did again! I always look forward to your comments. U are a wise WOMBman! U know the strength and the magic that is inside you.

      Can y’all imagine for a second all the shit “fem guys” have to endure they entire life??? Yet have I never seen stronger people than them.

      Masculine my ass, I’ve been to sex parties were the “masculines” one are 99% of the time in line to take the biggest dick. I digress, but u get the idea though.

  7. Wow this is a very interesting topic well jamari it’s a number of reasons why people are homophobic and the number one reason is people just simply don’t understand it its very strange to them very alternate universe freak of nature ish in most people’s minds they can’t imagine being a homosexual and that’s where the phobia comes in now most people including gay people understand that but now then there are people who are religious the Bible says homosexuality is a “sin” so they go along with it naturally OK fine whatever lol! Also jamari you have to consider in the Black and Hispanic community especially its seen as a badge of honor to be homophobic so its socially acceptable to homophobic because being a man has been strictly defined so until that changes there will always be homophobia.

  8. This is so true, I think this is a subject many Black gay men have dealt with especially those who grew up in religious households with both parents. I can remember my parents joking and saying derogatory names about gay dudes whom they encountered, not in their faces but later on and I knew I never wanted to be associated with that. It is like you convince yourself even though you like men, you are not like them. I can admit at times, I am homophobic to white gay dudes in the sense that I wont ever acknowledge them or give them a dry face if they try to meet me when Im out a white club hanging out, I want to tell them, I am only here for these good drink specials lol. I also still struggle with not liking fem gay dudes. I’m not homophobic in the sense of being mean or nasty to them, but I don’t go out of my way to get to know them except on a superficial level. If I am at a gay event I will laugh at their antics and speak to them. I have gotten better about this as I’ve gotten older, but I don’t have one close really fem friend at this time in my life, I don’t know if that qualifies for a form of homophobia or not. The few dudes that I do associate with, we all have common interest like sports and working out and when we get together or hang out at a gay party we all have a little disdain for gay dudes who are extra and over the top.

    I think I struggle with the idea that I want to show the str8 world that gay dudes are real men too and like all the things heterosexual men like except coochie 🙂 I realize that this is form of my own insecurity, and I’m still working on not worrying about str8 people seeing all gay dudes as freaks and nasty and not normal. I realize that this is a losing battle at times and I think as I get older that is why when I see dudes make nasty comments about gay dudes on social media especially those who pose half nude all the time it bothers me, more than in the past when I too sat back and laughed at fem dudes. If I could take back anything it would be taking back the hurt I may have caused by laughing at a fem dude or staying silent when they were being talked about not wanting to experience that hurt, but I ended up still experiencing it at times when the gay spotlight was shined in my direction.

    I met a fem dude a couple of months ago and he had his shit together and was so confident in his own skin that it was really attractive; I felt an immediate attraction to him. Honestly, I know its shallow but if a dude is fem, I cross him off without ever getting to know him or giving him a chance but this dude threw me for a loop and even though we just spoke briefly I still smile when I think about him. As we grow many of our views change and maybe some of us can come out of our homophobic past to be better people.

  9. “that could also be the homophobe way of thinking.
    i have the experience for my assumptions tho.
    homophobes are full of inexperience with theirs.”

    Personally I have a problem with that quote J. I know your just explaining yourself but we all have our own prejudices and back ourselves up by saying that I AM NOT PREJUDICE, I know what I am talking about..

    I think as humans we all mixed with contradictions and we just have to accept each other in our own sub- groups.

    I think its up to you part of the “gay” culture to help guide the “ignorant” to understand those assumptions- not agree with them.. Cos Jamari you communication with a Straight Wolf.. when he questions or speaks bad about a “Fem Fox” what do you do? It’s as if your reverting back to high school and joining in with “his” kind…

  10. Most of it is ignorance, then effemophobia. Lesbians get a pass for the most part but femininity in dudes is the main uproar with most these homophobes.I don’t put on I’m not out or detectable so I hear most the comments. My whole family full of homophobes. Shit would prolly tear em to shreds if they knew about me cause majority of my family kiss my ass lol. Funny thing is I got older brothers one with a kid and prolly more alpha than em. They kiss my ass too but all them homophobic or effemophobic rather, might be the same thing tho. Being honest I treat em like garbage cause I figure if they had a clue I’d have to anyway. That may not be a good thing, but I’m not ready to be out and cut em off fully yet. Cut off cause my pride is a prob so I couldn’t really see myself giving a fuck trying to convince ignorant ppl about nothing. Love my fam tho. What collette said was true, shit not a walk in the park for masculine dudes at all. Everyone assumes you’re straight from the jump. I even fucked w females in my teens to blend but now I hit my 20s Im close to being fuck everyone, not there yet tho. Shit builds a lot of resentment towards ppl tho.

  11. It’s funny you mention that you don’t like queens, Personally I have no gay friends and I do find the gay community to be overwhelmingly negative. Masculine or Feminine I dont care. You couldn’t pay me to move to Atlanta.

    I have a theory for why it’s so negative though, Most gay people have had rough childhoods, Lots of unnecessary stress and lots of abuse. Mental Illness runs deep, So when all of these hurt people congregate its a recipe for disaster. NOT SAYING ALL but I think we can all agree that it’s tough out here.

    As for why homophobia exists? Look at the fact that the majority of people on Earth are christian and then look up Leviticus 20:13

    Although there are other stereotypes and stigmas that contribute like how people associate it with “Rape” and stuff.

  12. Growing up I always knew I was different. I was kind of soft and feminine but my dad made me tougher and act more masculine. I’m also with Dignified I never let anyone bully me I always stood up for myself. Every since I was a kid and all the way up until last week my parents have said not so good things about the gay community. I try to not to look at my parents as homophobes, but just people who don’t accept the gay lifestyle. They talk to their gay family members but just don’t support it. I still think to this day my parents try to put fear in me with regards of the gay lifestyle. I never have come out of the closet but I know they know about my sexuality. I tried to date females and as much as I tried to be with them I couldn’t and was unhappy. As a teen and in my early 20s I was a homophobe because I didn’t want to be different, I wanted to fit in with the straights and I regret that so much. To this day at 26 I still kind of have a problem with my sexuality and I am trying to work through it. I have lived my life to make my family and others around me happy and comfortable that it has driven me to the point of not wanting to be around anymore, and the older I have gotten I’m realizing that I’m a gay man, and I’m going to be okay. In my experience homophobes are gay themselves, or just narrow minded people who have been taught to hate someone just for sleeping with the same sex.

    1. I’m actually grateful my father and uncles imposed strict gender norms/roles on me.

      I’ll never agree with men wearing women’s clothes or makeup or trying to emulate female behavior at all because I was conditioned that way my whole childhood.

      Anytime I did anything that didn’t subscribe to gender norms of men I was snatched up (literally) and corrected. Growing up I could jump rope better than any girl, but my Dad made it clear basketball was what I should be doing and when I broke a dudes nose playing I never saw him and my uncles more proud of me.

      So I have little to no tolerance for feminine men at all. I’m not disrespectful but I don’t associate with them either.

      I realize I avoided that conditioning from my father, grandfather, and uncles help me avoid a lot of torment growing up.

      1. I get what your saying Jay. For so long I was mad at him for some of the things he did when I was growing up, but I understand it now. Till this day my dad is very protective over me and my siblings. I know he loves me so much and that’s why I’m struggling with my sexuality. It’s like I don’t want to disappoint my dad but I know I have to live for me. No parent wants their kid to be gay especially a black father when it comes to his son. I will say one thing I’m struggling with is I want to become a father and I don’t want to adopt, and I don’t mean that in a bad way.

  13. I think instead of using the term homophobic or homophobe ,I will use the term heterosexist.Heterosexism is discrimination or prejudice against homosexuals on the assumption that heterosexuality is the normal sexual orientation.Homophobes believe homosexuals are inferior just like racist believe other races are inferior.

  14. Oh shit I never thought you were homophobic, but I totally understand. You didn’t have choice pretty much because of your upbringing. Black folks are interesting because out of all races or ethnicities I encountered, African Americans make homesexuality into a huge fatass deal. But one thing I notice about African Americans’ homophobia is they mix racism with it as well because hetero AAs will attack and bash and probably kill a gay black men, but with gay white men they act all cool and understandable.

  15. Personally, you couldn’t instill shit in me, and that’s part of the reason why I never related to many people. I’m the type that need to pave my own road.

    Though heterosexism (though there are a few people that I can label homophobic) has been blatant in my family, I never really had a problem with gays, but rather the bad connotations they brought. Because of that, I don’t really like talking to them that much. It’s kinda like that at my job too.

    1. “Personally, you couldn’t instill shit in me, and that’s part of the reason why I never related to many people. I’m the type that need to pave my own road.”

      Love it. I don’t rely on guidance from my parents/family/friends or approval from even the close people around me. Even if its my parents.
      Either they get with me or get lost. I tell YOU who I am, not the other way around. My upbringing is only a part of me, it doesn’t define me, and thank god for that. I plan to live my life with my own mind and my own definitions of masculinity and femininity. Good advice is good advice no matter who it comes from, and the same can be said from bad advice or lessons, both of which come from our upbringing. We as “individuals” (the idea of being an individual is important here) have to be cognizant of of both good and bad advice. Take the good and leave the bad. Sexuality included.

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!