Ugly.
Lanky.
Awkward.
“A Girl” aka Not Like The Other Boys

that’s how i used to view myself.
anytime i got high,
that is the fox i saw in my mind.
i would associate myself with how they spoke of “bullers” in barbados.
( x what a buller is )

*These males that dl males crept into their backdoors secretly to fuck.
*The ones that would be ignored and shamed in public.
*Some dressed up in drag and were labeled crazy.

i was scared to be myself because this is how i felt i was viewed.
it made me super self-conscious and living in my head all the time.
“is this why many of them kept me as a secret?”
“why they didn’t want people to know we were friends/close?”
i’m sure it was true to some but that wasn’t the reality for all.
i asked myself a question while on my day off yesterday…

What if people aren’t viewing us as harshly as we may view ourselves?

there are males who want to be around me cause i’m a dope-ass person.
i’m sure people think i’m gay but many don’t care.
i’m learning that people aren’t seeing the flaws that WE see.
we only see them because we live in these bawdies 24/7/365.
when we walk/talk/demand/decide with confidence,
people see THAT before anything else.

Other males are seeing the beauty within us.
They are attracted to our physical features,
the way we smile,
or how we word certain things.
They are addicted to how we make them feel.

hell,
some might even love the very things we call flaws.

when i get high these days,
or simply just thinking about what another may think about me,
i imagine something completely different.
i see the “me” that made all the wolves (and vixens) crazy over me.
the things they told me they liked about me that i dismissed.
i don’t hear the voices of the adults in barbados said about gay males.
i can even see the gay in the wolves i was into.
i can see where many were interested in me and i didn’t pay attention.

I’m working on not being so hard on myself.

let’s try something new.