I don’t know how I would even feel…

if i walked into my home and saw or someone had to break the news to me…

That the partner that I prayed for…

…was dead because he decided to delete himself.
i’m a very strong and resilient person but i can’t even imagine how that would fuck me up.
i would be left with so many thoughts and questions…

“Was it me?”
“Did I miss the signs?”
“Should I have loved him hard enough?”
“Was I ODin on giving him too love?”
“Did we not have sex enough when I didn’t want to?”
“Did I truly know him?
“Maybe I wasn’t worth enough for him not take his own life…”
“Did I push him over the edge nagging him about stupid shit?”
“Maybe I didn’t think about his needs enough…?”

…and worst of all,
the days that i wanted to delete myself and i didn’t…

I finally met this person who made life feel worth living,
only for him to do what I wanted to do when I was at my lowest.

was this some kind of karma for taking life for granted?
i’d be left with questions that won’t be answered.

I can only imagine what Audrey Plaza is feeling.

her husband,
jeff baena,
took his own life yesterday.
( x see the story here )
rest in the peace that jeff couldn’t find while being here.
unfortunately,
friday was his final stop on this ride.
i’m sending aubrey strength as she will begin to grieve with questions.
many times,
it isn’t us.

Sometimes,
we were just a bandage for a bigger and more infected wound that couldn’t be healed by our love.

…and we have to accept their choice because nothing we could’ve done differently would stop it.

lowkey: can you imagine the amount of people in our lives who are holding on by a thread?
the ones struggling in silence who are “one something away” from ending it all?
this is where compassion and empathy comes into play.
many of us are missing that sensitivity chip tho.