The Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish… and Slight Hunger Pain.

i have broken.
i’m literally on the floor.
don’t step on me
i want to be honest with you guys.
i know i maybe judged.
i am prepared for it…

i haven’t gone back to the gym since that first day.
there i said it.
i know.
i know.
well first you can wipe that look of disgust off your face before i continue.

it’s not that i don’t want to go.
i am not a quitter.
(that contradicts the point of this entry)
(maybe i need to say that in an affirmation?)

the gym is really intimidating almost.
i’m completely new.
i have no one to help me.
can’t afford a personal trainer.
those machines look like they should be in war of the worlds.
i’m around all those big ass incredible hulk wolves,
who can easily pick up a 500 pound weight and juggle it.
they are looking at my ass contemplating suicide with a 30 pound.

then can we talk about the eating?
wtf do i eat?
no bread.
no pasta.
none of the stuff i cook!
wait a damn minute buddy!
i feel like they should have said during sign up:

“hey jamari!
before you sign this dotted line,
know that cookies and sugar is completely out of your diet.
don’t even look at a donut.
it will kill you.
sugar will kill you.
from now on,
you’ll be eating squirrel’s nuts and killer whale’s guts.”

i see all these wolves/hybrids/and foxes on instagram,
eating all kinds of nasty shit.
shit that looks like it should be served at a prison dining hall.
lard with chicken feed for lunch?
no thank you.
it’s too much.
i go researching online,
it’s even worse.
i get headache.
i want a blanket.

the whole working out thing is confusing.
it’s not that i don’t love my body.
i’m not fat.
i’m not skinny.
i have big thighs and some ass.
my pecs don’t need an a cup bra.
i’m that confusing mix in between.
thanks fast metabolism.
i just want to have a little more definition.
i don’t want to be this big:

i am attracted to wolves/hybrids,
on that rare occasion foxes,
this big.

don’t look at me.

is that so wrong?

you know the old saying…?
opposites attract?
i’m trying to help my point of why i haven’t been in the gym.
i’m saying i need help…
or something.
i just feel pretty UN-motivated with going back….

43 thoughts on “The Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish… and Slight Hunger Pain.

  1. Wait did I miss something? Someone was on myvidster talking about Jamari? Jamari you have a nasty xtube video?

  2. I had a mean, harsh comment written up about Davon and the haters but it was inappropriate and uncalled for so I choose not to post it. If I did, I would be giving him the satisfaction and the people who hate too, I cannot do that anymore. I’m just going to be the mature 19 year old that I am and handle people with maturity. We all need to ignore Davon from now on, like we ALL really do. I don’t care what he says. I wouldn’t even be saying this, but I want the rest of you who comment to read this and take this stance with me, especially since he is now getting some sort of fame off of Jamari’s coat tails. Oh and that person who made that paragraph is just an undercover fan man. If a person dislikes Jamari or us “minions” then they shouldn’t come lol. I do follow Jamari, yep I sure do, but I’m a subscriber. I follow him, but under different circumstances than what they are implying. If that makes me a minion tho then I am one. 🙂

    1. ^you know what the funny thing was?
      i said thank you when I read it.

      look at beyonce and this lip sync scandal?
      everyone and their mother is talking about her.
      she is about to perform at the superbowl in a week.
      im sure the whole United States will be tuned in to see if she lip syncs or not.

      people are going to want to know why people were fighting with davon.
      they will see that this site actually has good people on it.
      people who are just like them.
      like the same things.
      have the same fantasies.
      they will see that it was all blown out of proportion.
      some will stay.
      others will lurk.
      many will leave.
      davon will still be davon.
      i will still be me.
      whoever that random person was in the comment will still lurk.
      people will still comment and share.
      life will go on.
      man don’t even let it bother you.

      that is the first rule in pr.

      1. ^and here is the kicker.

        dude was talking about me on a porn website?
        cut it out,
        put your hand in your pants,
        and jack off.
        i don’t go on myvid to talk.
        I go to cum.
        i guess I have different priorities.

  3. I feel you on this post Jamari!
    I went to the gym the other day as well and I only used the same two machines that I’ve been using since Day 1…lol. They are the only machines I know how to work. I look around and see all these other men/woman all bulked up and huge, and it makes me second guess myself. I go to a 24hr gym so I try to go when they aren’t that many people in there (if any) or when they are just a whole bunch of old people. I need to make myself a workout plan and watch fitness videos. I’m also on a meal plan (rice, ground meat, veggies, protein shakes, etc.). I don’t want to be huge; I want to still be slim, but I when I take off my shirt I want everyone to be like “DAMMMNNN!” lol.
    I’m determined to get a six-pack and V shape by this summer! 🙂

    1. Me too. I want to look like Chad or Trey. Like they are still slim, but they have nice bodies too.

      1. That’s exactly who I’m aiming for.
        I want to have a body like Trey. I even saved a picture in my phone for inspiration. lol

  4. I just recently got back in the gym after an acquaintance of mind kept after me. He goes almost daily and his body is well put together. He offered to train with me so I said yes. I have really enjoyed all the attention he has shown in helping me and also getting an up close and personal view of his sexy muscular body as well as all the other bodies all around. I assume he is straight, but I have picked up that he may be curious. Either way, I am getting into shape and getting an eyeful.

    1. Yes there is whole grain pasta but its still loaded with carbs unless your trying to gain a few pounds. Face it Jamari every thing has carbs, sugars, and calories its watching them and maintaining a good balance you want to do. That’s the first big mistake most people make when trying to get in shape or cut a few pounds. They switch from white to brown and think its gona solve the problem but if you eat 3 turkey sandwiches with wheat bread, a big bowl of red beans and rice with brown rice, and half a pound chicken pasta with whole grain pasta then what are you exactly dieting???? Just eat normally but cut your portions instead of a foot long subway try the 6 inch with a good salad and a fresh apple and your just as full

      1. Also when your using supplements like whey protein shakes and other mass gainers. You will barely want to eat. When I first started using them I was so full I couldnt even look at food

      2. Yep flyfox I was the same way now it’s routean wake up take multi vitamin drink protein shake work eat amd take fish oil come home take jacked workout drink mass gainer shake. Sept on cardio days no mass gainer shake

  5. And you can eat bread and pasta just whole grain. Judging from the pic Jamari, you are like me and your trying to gain muscle mass and not lose weight correct?

      1. Here is the workout plan I’m using. It’s for begininers in the 18-25 age range and includes diet, supplement info, goal setting etc. It’s a free trainer lol!

        Here are the videos of the the workout

        and other top youtube trainers

        Hope this helps. Good luck!

        1. ^thank you fly!!
          this really helped a lot!!
          i’m really happy you posted this.
          the bodybuilding one is actually very inspiring.
          i like how they did it like college prep.

  6. Jamari, glad you aint giving up man. Hell you will be surprised, those dudes are checking you out trust me. I trained a friend this summer he is skinny and could barely lift the bar off the bench, much less with some weight on it. He was also a little on the feminine side, and every time I would look up, some muscle bound masculine dude was giving him the eye or speaking to him. My mouth literally drop at some of these dudes who will not so much as speak to me in the gym. Also these workout dudes love for their ego to be stroke. I can bet two dollars I dont have that if you just approach them with “hey man Im sort of new to this gym thing”, they will bend over backwards to help you out and maybe train you for free. 90 percent of men in the gym who are super fine now, were probably obese, ugly, teased etc and they have fragile egos so dont let the muscles intimidate you, they are shields and armor to hide low self esteem and insecurity. When you first start out just get on the machines, and do some cardio. I was intimidated to go in the free weight area for years until this dude who was checking me out one day at the gym spoke to me and then told me to come in their and he would work out with me, we ended up just being friends but he taught me alot and eased my fear about going in their by myself. Like another comment said, no one naturally starts big and muscular, Im amazed at how far I have come in 2yrs, but its many days I felt like throwing in the towel but now I cant imagine not going to the gym and you will be the same way soon enough.

    1. ^thank you tajan.
      this line really spoke to me:

      “they have fragile egos so dont let the muscles intimidate you, they are shields and armor to hide low self esteem and insecurity.”

      i would never would have assumed that.
      when i think about it,
      it really does make a lot of sense.

  7. thanks everyone.
    i felt embarrassed to share this with everyone.
    i didn’t want to come off like i was giving up.
    i have decided to go back on monday.
    new week and start fresh.

    when are off peak hours?

    1. Well Jamari you’ll be pleased to know there is a gym that just opens on Texas that only caters to people morbidly over weight. They have no mirrors, no pictures and all the machines and weight are low res

      1. ^see that is good.
        that helps them to focus on their exercise rather than on their body image.

        well you guys have me excited to go back now.
        i feel a lot more confident than i did earlier.

      2. Yes Jamari it may be good for some but us gym rats have body image problems as well. It’s a on going cycle that everybody faces. Take myself u may see me and say wow but I still say I need a lil more work. Or a nice hybrid who can lay the pipe and take it just as good lmao. S/N Spartacus is back on!!!!!!!

  8. I really respect people who come to the gym and put in work when their body is not incredibly fit. They get more respect from me than the muscle bound clowns who come in there to walk the run way.

  9. I’m the same way! I have a gym membership just sitting with no use. I’m so intimidated by all the machines and having no idea how to use them. I want to SO bad though. Wish I had a gym partner. Even if we both had no idea what to do, it’d be easier to learn with some company.

  10. What ever you decide is your opinion Jamari. People like me live in the gym and I’ve learned to accept that lol. But if you decide to go back do what you can do just cause in benching 265 easly dosnt mean I won’t look at you benching 120. As far as the diet hey it cost to be the boss I haven’t had a coke in 6 years but I eat bread every blue moon hey I’m human your human we eat. You see these models with rock hard abs and sculpted chest but don’t realize how some of the don’t eat days befor a shoot or take diaretics to look that way and all the camera tricks they have to make them look amazing. Just look at some ballers you see a picture and think damn but after they last game they shut the buffets down. So Jamari if you do go back to the gym remember fuck them niggas curling 45s ill take my 20s and still look just as good

  11. I know exactly how you feel Jamari. I’m a tall linky Foxx who stills looks like a high schooler

  12. See Jamari, this is why you should have talked to us before you joined this new gym. I bet you go to one of those big chain gyms like NYSC or Planet Fitness. You should have did what I did, join a small gym like the YMCA, then graduated to a pretty people gym. At my YMCA, there were a few of us between 20-30 years old, but most of the people were real fat, elderly, or a combination of both, so I knew no one there was judging me. Try to go during off-peak times, and the more u concentrate on doing your thing, you won’t be worrying about what the meat heads are thinking about you.

    1. Hey Jamari! First, I want to say please hang in there and don’t give up. I know it’s easier said than done but I want to just encourage you. Please know that the guys who are throwing big weight didn’t start there. Some were fat, some were skinny, some were in between. You are looking at where they are NOW, not where they started.

      Secondly, based on what you said you want, it seems that you want lean muscle and some definition. You do not need heavy weight for that. Light to moderate weight will do. Circuit training is what you are looking for. There are plenty of workouts online detailing exactly what to do. The idea is that you will use a moderate weight at higher reps with little no rest between exercises. This will keep your heart rate up and provide you with long lean muscles. Many endurance athletes use this approach.

      The third thing that I would suggest, is what Rashad said. Go during off peak hours. Less mess and distraction.

      Finally, should you decide not to return make sure you do it during the time frame to cancel without being stuck with paying for a membership that you do not use. You can do some things at home with little to no equipment to achieve your goals.

      If it is at all possible, create space in your budget for training. Be upfront and honest about what you are after. Since you wouldn’t be using a trainer for long, learn the correct form for each exercise type and how to use equipment and free weights safely. A few sessions should cover it. In terms of diet, yes sugar is an enemy of any workout. As long as you stay within your target calorie count, have a cookie now and then and don’t sweat it. The only caveat is that you should not do it frequently. Having said all that, you can do it. Now get your ass back in the gym.

  13. Getting there is always the hardest part though.

    Once you’re there you can go in.

    You’re not on the heavy side or trying to lose a lot of weight so I don’t see why you would have to give up carbs completely.

    I have a strong sweet tooth so I can sympathize with the sweets, but I try to get fruit instead.

    Like someone said in a previous post youtube has tons of helpful workouts and recipes. I’ve already put a few in my favorites.

    You better put that membership to use. They’re not giving your money back. Lol

    1. Exactly once you payed Jamari you in for the long haul. Jay to my self I see a lil on the chunky side but today I was doin my abs and lokey training this fish and she was like I want my stomach and arms to look like yours l. I said what fat and she said u must wear glasses lmao

  14. I understand Jamari. In addition to my personal trainer and MMA trainer, I joined a separate gym and I just went for the first time at midnight thinking I would be a little less intimidated.


    Luckily, I was just getting my cardio in and all the cardio machines were upstairs and I was the only one up there. I got a nice view of the sexy dudes on the first floor swinging free weights though. Lol

    Thats the whole reason I got a personal trainer than trains me in his private gym though.

    1. Btw, he took a few layers of all that under armour he wears off today and all I almost dropped a dumb bell. His clothing makes him look slim and small but MAN he has nice arms and a deep arch in his back. Lol

  15. I just imagined you using those machines lol. You need a workout buddy man, that’s your issue. Some people can’t workout alone. If you had someone there with you I believe you would feel better about it. When you are not buff and you are working out in the gym around people who are fit, you kinda get that embarrassed feeling too.

    1. ^!!!!!!

      its like:

      “wow you picked up that big ass weight.
      oh you can juggle them too?
      show off!”

      i dunno if i want to fuck the dude or throw something at him.

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