i can be honest enough to say that.
they would be “oh wow thats cool!!!!” at the superficial and some material tho.
i haven’t begun to rule the world like i wanted.
lowkey: i need to get that “8 year old jamari” mind frame back.
i asked and i received.
i never gave up.
i fought for what i wanted.
if i didn’t get it,
that was unacceptable.
its amazing to me how i look back and see life/people broke me.
“what if the world did come to an end?”
he asked me in a text.
i was so fuckin’ tired.
new york decided to have a tsunami last night.
i thought my window would have blown in.
i didn’t have an answer for him.
i chose to ignore it.
i’m grateful god spared my life for another day,
but of course,
his question pondered in my head…
Am I satisfied with my life thus far?
someone could have warned me sooner!
i didn’t even get “end of the world” smashed.
in case we all wake up in a line that says HEAVEN OR HELL,or burnt hor d’oeuvres…
Is looking for men over rated?
I had to ask myself that question, watching yet another movie dealing with love. If I’m not seeing it, then I’m hearing it through my speakers. If that’s not it, then I’m hearing about it from friends and loved ones.
Men, men, men + love (or ones idea of bad love desicions) and wild sex mixed in.
It’s almost becoming sickening especially when you aren’t involved with anyone at the moment. Yup, Jamari is actually cruising on Drought Street. I have been on a couple dates this year and none of the potential “men” were worth a call back. It was like was dating bottom of the barrel and I am far from it. They, of course, loved me but alas – I was over it mid date.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was a female. Had my share of men I was attracted too. They have it so easy and they should. Boy sees girl and tries to hit on girl. Boy sees me and can’t tell if I’m gay so he moves on. It seems the type of man that I am attracted too comes in a “straight” Godiva wrapper. It leaves for a lot of lonely nights and even longer days.
Searching for a Devin, Dez, Trey, or whoever makes me hard is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Let’s face it, I may never get my Devin Thomas. Or, I may get him and he be a limp dick slut bag with STDs hiding under the flap of his dick. I kinda grew into looking past femininity. Ones person’s fem maybe one man’s dream lover. Let’s face it: we are gay and even the most masculine man has a tinge of bitch in em. Ask a female!
But I am kinda over the chat sites, DL sign language, and all that bs that comes with this lifestyle.
I kind of want to concentrate on my journey to the top. I can damn near buy what I want (I’m no Steve Jobs but I do pretty well for myself)…… so money is not really an option. What I don’t have in men, I make up for in Ben Franklin. I am focused on school and my career. I have a nice place to live and I try to make sure my wardrobe is poppin’….
But I get lonely and I am starting to see so do a lot of gay men. Its either a lot of sex or a lot of loneliness. Even these negros who are in relationships are lonely. Its bullshit. Maybe if I was a wreckless whore, I would be happy… But I’m not. Thank GOD for parents who raised me right. Plus I know wreckless whores and their walls are damn near hanging down to their kneecaps (I kid, I kid). But guess what, whores of all shapes and forms get lonely too.
So is Jamari Fox over? HELL NO. I have just begun. I just think I need to focus on me and what is important (pretty much me) for right now.
So all in all, I want you to join me. I want us, you and me, to find what we are looking for and maybe find a potential man along the way. But if he doesn’t show face – we will still be okay.
Not jaded but optimistic. This is the first step in recovery.
Let’s get it.
Brought To You By The Foxberry