inside jamari fox

my friend said to me over the weekend:

“life is really testing you right now.
you got a big blessing on the way.”

i need blessing with an s.
it felt good to hear but when you’re in it,
it can feel condescending AF.
last week was utter chaos.

a major blowup at the beginning of the week.
a heavy walking on eggshells the middle of the week.
a 10-person sleepover at the end of the week.
a weekend guest over the weekend.
a no real space to breathe all around.

i had an anxiety attack on friday when i saw 10 people trying to squeeze in here,
and then add on top of that…

i learned the hard way when everything came to ahead.

some people internalize
they’re ultra sensitive
they build stories in silence and then move like they’re facts

under stress,
it can get chaotic.
while i have done the same in past situations,
i found help so i could understand my crazy.
monday and tuesday were an absolute mess.
we had our first shared space fight,
which revealed a lot about each other.

i move on structure and clear communication
they move on impulses and emotions

it reminded me of my grandmother and it triggered me heavy.
after it blew up,
we made up,
but the worst thing happened the next day…

stress can look like chaos happening all at once.
it looks like someone handing you their overwhelm and calling it a conversation.
one minute you’re talking about buying trash bags that ran out,
next minute you’re defending your entire existence in a shared space.
i’ve learned something tonight…

one of my biggest regrets is not seeing “sinners” when it was in theaters.
i missed an important cultural moment due to finances.
i feel the same about not seeing “weapons” either.
“sinners” was sooooooooooooooo good:

i think i’ve seen that movie over 20 times now.

…and every single time i watched it,
i saw or heard something new even if it was minor.
that being fonted…

when you live in a forest like new yawk,
on rare occasions,
someone will randomly ask to use your phone in the wild.
thank God i usually had “the face” on so they already know.
face on + headphones on = “bullshit repellent“.
outside of having “the face” on,
you gotta have S-tier discernment.

unfortunately,
many people prey on those who aren’t cognitively impaired.

i read a really sad story that hurt me today.
another fucking crime to add to the list of how disappointing some can be.
two hyenas took advantage of christopher john tsoulos,
tried to blackmail him,
and he ended up having to take his own life…

i hit my first snag of “the shared living space” today.

i woke up with a headache during the snag of “the shared living space” too.
when i had my own space,
my saturdays was a day to relax,
maybe run errands,
or do some light Foxholing if i chose to.
in someone else’s space,
however,
i adjust to whatever changes at any given moment.
so today,
quiet wasn’t on the agenda.
i was told an hour before…