One Day I’ll Look Back At This and Take A Shot

tumblr_m6ldsysiIV1qzeufnsometimes i wonder if its obvious when its time to move forward in life.
like are there any signs?
does god ring a bell that only you hear?
do you have to hear that you’re good enough before hand?
i see so many people getting stuck.
working these dead ends jobs until they can’t do it anymore.
watching their dreams pass them by with every punch in/punch out.
all they do is complain about their shit head boss and full of shit co workers.
it scares me.
being that person scares the fuck out of me.
can i be real with the foxhole tonight…

i just feel lost.
i just don’t know what to do next.
i was reading up on turning blogging into careers today.
it was all the same story:

“i quit my job in corporate america and blah blah blah…”
“i left and moved in with my parents and blah blah blah…”
“i threw all the papers in the air, threw up the deucez, and blah blah blah…”

Jennifers-Body-Class-GIF-College-Seat-Postlike,
how did they survive?
i don’t have the luxury of moving back home with my parents.
i don’t have a “mommy” or “daddy”.
my baller wolf does not exist yet to “i.o.u”.
i have a responsibility.
a fuckin’ ball and chain i am stuck with until i get the key.

giphysomeone sent me a beautiful email today.
it was full of praise.
they are a loyal reader of my site.
so many compliments that put a smile on my face.
they gave me a confidence boost that i’m fully capable of success,
but then i looked around and saw the dreaded office i am stuck in.
i saw that bobblehead across from me talkin about buying shoes.
everyone was kissing her ass like she was the queen.
i immediately wanted to vomit.
that place is the only thing keeping me afloat.
the emotional abuse i am subjected to because this is my only income.
i am living check to check paying off bills.
i don’t want to let anyone down,
but i just don’t know what to do.
i feel like i am trapped in a nightmare.
funny-gifs-falling-asleep-in-classlife is one big rehearsal.
we are all training for something greater for our “tomorrow”.
some have it easier than others.
they have a peanut gallery of support and assistance.
others,
like myself,
are all alone with no kind of nothing.
i am up at 6am and home at 6pm.
my whole day is doing someone else’s work.
by the time i get home,
i am so exhausted.
i can’t even go interview for another job.
another.
fuckin.
job.

tumblr_mj2fw8wS2F1r4etbjo1_500like,
i want to do my own thing.
i don’t want another fuckin’ job with a new batch of dummies.
sure this experience has built character,
but it has also left me feeling stuck in a rut.
physically and emotionally drained.
if i had an idea or clue of what i needed to do,
i would be doing it.
being in a dead end job is not life.
waking up feeling depressed is not the business.
thinking to yourself:

“i could be doing more…”

…but what more can be done?
how to do it?
i don’t know about those who are working a 9to5,
while trying to get a career happening,
but its def not easy.
every day i am reminded so.

lowkey: i know someone out there feels me on this.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

25 thoughts on “One Day I’ll Look Back At This and Take A Shot

  1. Hunny, you are not alone! I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my throat and really have not had things handed to me. I am the productive product of the educational system, yet in debt. I will say this, I wish I was better connected in my community and connected to people actually knew who I was and what I could do. Gotta get it the smart way-hustle harder…

  2. I feel you on this, I know i’m blessed but i’m not where I want to be in life right now. I’m grateful to have a job and be in school, but I wish I got paid more( to help me pay for these bills and save.)
    and the school I go to is culturally not stimulating enough. It’s hard to want to live a more artistic life but realize it’s more about luck than talent at times. And you don’t want to get rid of the only source of income you have on “luck”. Sigh but working another nine to five just seems like a waste of your potential and than you begin to think you just have your head in the clouds and you need to get back to the real world. Trust me I know where you are coming from.

  3. I completely feel you on this. The thing with me is I actually really like my career, but something inside me feels like I should be doing more. I pray everyday that God leads me to where I need to be, because I am so ready.

    1. @JajR…I feel you on that. I love my career, but I don’t like the management where I currently work. Snakes in the grass and they talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk. I’m tired of calling them out on their foolishness/pettiness. Things would be better if the top two were gone. They run the office by intimidation, but I don’t fall into that mess. My co-workers think I’m crazy because I have no qualms about speaking my mind when you’re wrong. I feel like I am there for a reason right now, and when it’s my time to leave…I’ll have a sign.

  4. Totally understand Jamari! I worked in the Insurance field for 7 yrs but I really wanted to be in Fashion . While there the opportunity came where I could study and work simultaneously, it was manageable in the earlies but it started to take a toll in my final year of school and my contract wasn’t renewed due to poor performance . I kinda looked at it as a blessing in disguise although I panicked at first wondering what I was going to do but it allowed me to really focus on what I really wanted to do as I now work in Fashion sigh all that to say that your blessing may come soon enough and not to give up hope 🙂

  5. Hello Jamari,
    I feel the exact same way. I work at a call center for one of the largest utility companies in the south. I have a Masters Degree in Public Administration and just received certification in nonprofit leadership and working on another certificate in Healthcare Information. When I go to work it is truely counting the hours until I clock out, I answer phones and deal with stupid customers who I want to go off on but my company has a take everything with a smile mentality. I thank God for my job because it way more money then I was making working in Education as an assistant teacher, but i literally am feeling unfulfilled. At least at my old jobs I was impacting kids but I wasnt making shit,, not even 900 dollars a month, you no one can survive off that. Teachers dont make any money and assistant get chump change. I just feel like I need to have a career job, Somewhere that I wont mind investing the next 20 years moving up while building my nest egg. I dont have a car it was stolen a few years ago and being in the south hell we are lucky to have a bus system (a fucked up transit system) but its useful. I cant afford to put down any money for one because its just that serious, invest in a new car, and sleep in it or keep a roof over your held. Thankfully I have been maintaining since I have been on my own. I can relate to not having the comfort of a supportive family. It was just my mom and me growing up and she pasted from breast cancer when i was 16 so I have been on my own since 2002. I have immediately family, like aunts and uncles and cousins but shit they havent lifted a finger to help me since my mom pasted. And really any inclusion of family in my daily life will add to the stress because them negros always got drama… So I limit my contact with them so that I can stay sane. My friends have literally become my family. I am really hoping this struggle is not in vain because I really need a “HERO” to come and save me lol
    if it wasnt for my faith I would be dead. The struggle is real and the ambition is high but sometimes its does seem like life hands out the rewards to those who never work, never achieve anything, and never have a problem. I am waiting for my breakthrough but buddy its hard…. We have to be strong and keep praying for better times

    Your friend, loyal reader
    Christopher

  6. You’ve said a mouthful. I can relate to a lot of what was written. I too am ready to leave my 9 to 5, to begin working for myself. I think you have something VERY valuable here and there is a way to leverage it to make your dream of working for yourself come true. I think thats what you should meditate/pray (whichever you’re comfortable with) on. You have the talent and the following, it’s just a matter of time before the opportunity presents itself. And when it does, you have to be ready to jump.

  7. Jamari, you are very much not alone. It’s safe to say that we all want something more out of life; not to a point where we are rich per se, but to the point where we are comfortable, working for ourselves and not worrying too much of the bills to be paid. The difference between us and most people; everyday we wake up, we are making progress incrementally instead of settling for what is. The posts you do for the foxhole, some of the foxhole who are in school, whatever it is, are using our situations as a conduit for where we ought to be.

    God has a strange way of making our destiny in the most unexpected way. So though it may seem as if you feel lost, you are very much on the right track, the track where God wants you to be in order for him to get you where you should be. All this is part and parcel of being great later on. So don’t despair too much; your come up, my come up, the foxhole’s come up is right around the corner.

  8. Fuck!!!!!…you are not alone. This same scenario can also be applied to being in a dead end relationship. I feel you on all accounts..soo much potential but it still seems like getting nowhere. Keep praying and action! …this is our year!!!

  9. I’ve learned in life that when it comes to jobs it’s not what you know it’s who you know . But on a greater note . I’ve been a reader of your your blog for about 2 years I thoroughly enjoy all the posts . Your extremely talented, gifted , and smart . As a individual who understands wholeheartedly what your going through, bc I was going through it too . We serve an all powerful GOD !! I want you to claim success for yourself in all aspects. The last last 2 years were not so great for me but this year change is inevitable !!! Speak your change speak to you dreams .. A good friend of mine said in order to achieve the success we want we might have to loose a few hours of sleep . Get ready to walk into your path … When you get a chance go on YouTube and look up Kim Burrell “it’s done” this song speaks to my spirit in its entirety and hope it speaks to yours Jamari . Please know it’s just a storm and this too shall pass! …..

  10. Jamari you know I understand where you’re coming from.

    Sometimes you have to sacrifice and plan before you take a leap of faith. Some people save up a years salary so they can pursue something and still be able to meet financial demands.

    I just got to the point where my coworkers could tell I was burnt out. I wasn’t as clean cut and put together as I was when I began and my appearance dipped. That’s when I knew it was time to go.

    Now it’s all about taking the necessary steps to continue my education and actually study something I wouldn’t mind getting up and doing everyday.

  11. I feel the same. Way. Jamari I pray that we all make it. This plantation stuff is for the birds. Keep your head up and keep pushing.no weapon formed against you will prosper.

  12. Yea I totally understand 100% When I was working at this corporation job I completely hated it, but I didn’t have a choice because I had bills/debt/insurance/rent to pay until one day I snap. I couldn’t take it anymore I felt like a mindless robot being controlled and I needed to escape and my boss was a son of bitch. I took a group of co-workers and rampage through the office and broke everything, I never felt so alive that day. We kidnapped our boss and took him to this abandon building. We fucked up him pretty badly by shoving a stapler up his asshole and stapling his penis. We even hot glue his asshole so he’ll be a virgin again. It felt so good to be alive again.

  13. I went to bed early and didn’t see this entry last night, because I was tired and disgusted with my current career situation, I prayed to God last night as I was falling asleep for a change. To wake up and see this entry is a little eye opening, for you to express all the things I was feeling last night in my spirit. Whats even more surprising is all the readers on here who feel the same way. This gives me hope, that I am not a ungrateful asshole who don’t appreciate having a job, but I just want to do something I enjoy doing everyday without the fear that I am going to be terminated because I forgot to do something. My work right now is lousy, I do just enough to stay employed and I know sooner or later it is going to catch up with me but the truth is I don’t even care no more. To hear that I am not by myself at least give me this bond with others who know exactly how I am feeling. It seems like most jobs want to do nothing more than beat you down and make you conform while paying you just enough to survive and keep you coming back. I have struggled with turning the things I like into a viable self sustaining career. That has been the hardest part for me, to let go of this security to pursue and live my dreams. I think most of us, don’t want to give up the everyday comforts of having a roof over our head and knowing where our next meal is coming from. It seem like many successful people slept on friends couches, in their cars, ate wherever they could until their dreams came true, and honestly most of us are probably not going to want to do this to achieve our dreams, so we stay stuck on( woulda /coulda/ shoulda) only to come home, get back up and repeat the process until we are just a shell of ourselves, unhappy and miserable, just going through the motions to survive.

    I am proclaiming 2015 the foxhole year for growth, change and new beginnings, wishing we all are able to get off these plantations or at least find a better plantation that treat us better and value our worth. If you are doing something you love everyday and getting paid for it, my hat is off to you because you are truly living.

    1. ^this was such a beautiful comment tajan.
      thank you for sharing.

      i appreciaye everyone who was being honest.
      its not easy,
      but we will make it somehow.
      ne and my boss got into it AGAIN this morning.

      “well liar liar said…”

      like she believes everything this chick says and of course,
      she is WRONG.
      Im over this bullshit.

  14. You have to just keep positive and stay hopeful. You have been at that job for nearly a year, and according to what you have said, it has been nothing short of hell. With that said, you have to learn how not to let people get to you. Your co-workers are in your life eight hours a day, and you know what to expect to from them, especially Liar. Once you stop allowing them to get to you, I promise your days there will run smoother. As far as your other goals, you just have to keep working and jump at an opportunity when it presents itself.

  15. Hi J,

    I am struggling with the same as you- but I think the key is “just staring in the eye of the storm” and “JUST DOING IT” – You already have so you must just blindly do abit more..

    I sit on sites most of the day reading about successful people etc.- but now I’m thinking the important part of the story is that those people we observe HAVE JUST DONE IT. (It’s doesn’t mean just throwing everything in the air- have a plan but just set a date and DO.. You will never know how powerful you are until you are going through it) Its scary but next year will come- tomorrow will come- next month will and thats the scary thing about it- that we are already “doing LIFE”… It scares the hell out of me.. SO you got to TRY EVERYTHING as we are already doing life.. All we know is the next minute is going to happen so.. use stories, inspirations to strengthen us not a waiting game..

    HE IS GREAT..

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_OGhkthaoM
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZBtrJcEjus

  16. ITS POWERFUL.. and there is no real answer to.. we are already doing life so why are we feeling like we are not doing life?

  17. life comes in seasons…i have a friend of mine who grew up with my older siblings and is a friend of the gamily…always was handsome and talented…can sing and act…well anyways over the years he went through hardships yet he pursued his dream little by little…by doing plays, modeling competitions,and local shows which led to him doing more plays and starting to travel to places like the ATL and etc…he worked at the local hospital in philly amd etc…long story short in 2012 he decided to go all the way in and relocated to ATL from Philly and it’s paid off so far, was a extra in the scene on The Game when they were at the church, and now he’s about to play the role of Jerrick on the show on CW ‘the Originals’ check him out his name is Kevin Savage…i feel he’s finally getting his shine…he’s always been respectful, down to earth and he ALWAYS was consistent in his efforts to put on even in Philly he established a name for himself in certain arenas…so chase your dreams and NEVER forget that we HAVE a purpose!!!!

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