on the morning of my birthday,
i didn’t want to be bothered.
it was an entirely “reflective” morning so i didn’t look at my phone.
my father blew up my phone back to back.
when we finally spoke,
he said:
“Oh,
you didn’t answer so I figured you were done with me.”
huh?
it really had me tilted,
but i realized that i do that same shit to others too.
my therapist called me TF out today and told me i’m sorta like my father.
i’m currently bald with an empty tummy because i threw up.
after today’s session…
I can be self-absorbed af like my father
my father has always made issues about him.
we have suffered the same if we are just being honest.
the fact he is in his 70s and still holding onto baggage makes me sad for him.
i don’t think there are any therapists in barbados either.
all he has are his wolf pack and random vaginas that he vents too.
he has been making me vex ranting about what my mother and grandmother did to him,
but he as yet to ask me how i felt when it was all going down.
“You were just a kid.” he said.
tf?
as a kid i was a robot or something?
one of my very best friends would call me out about my self-absorption constantly.
i’d talk about what someone did to me and she’d say:
“Jamari,
this is not about you.
This is all about them.”
my therapist told me today that i need to change the story i tell myself.
the story i have told myself in my head has been wrong about certain people and situations.
Some people are genuinely going through their own shit,
or comfortable in their own trauma,
and don’t even realize they have hurt you.
i’m going to work on that because i do not want to be like my father.
i want to be better than him.
lowkey: i’ve noticed a lot of people are self-absorbed too.
how did we get this way?
I had a conversation like this, thought I wasn’t able to get my side out properly because I was flustered. I keep hearing people tell me to learn from my father, but at the same time, the things he has said make me question his judgement.
I think most people are self centered especially if they were babied as a kid or was put on some type of pedestal growing up. If your parents don’t correct that when you’re young then you’ll grow up being a self absorbed brat that nobody really wants to be bothered with on a consistent basis or a lot all.
Most of my friends are self absorbed attention seekers and because they seem like fun and I wanted to escape the private hell that I was in, I allowed them to lead the show while I played the cute gay accessory. I didn’t even realize that’s how I was being viewed until I wanted more out of the relationship. I am learning now to put myself first and be more cognitive of who and what I allow myself to be around and is this a mutual beneficial relationship. I need to be able to have real conversations that does not revolve around you, your kids, your job etc. I need, deserve and want more and if you can’t provide then I’m not the friend for you. I am learning to be okay with being by myself instead of always settling just to have someone to do shit with. I love my own company but there is a part of me that likes being social and having fun. That’s the part that I’m having a hard time trying to figure out a substitute for. I have friend fatigue and I’m going on a sabbatical to refocus on me.
Also I would love to make more male friends and gay friends instead of all of these female friends I have. I’m so tired of women but that’s for another day. LOL
^FELT THISSSSS!!!!
this part:
“Most of my friends are self-absorbed attention seekers and because they seem like fun and I wanted to escape the private hell that I was in, I allowed them to lead the show while I played the cute gay accessory. I didn’t even realize that’s how I was being viewed until I wanted more out of the relationship.”
that spoke to me.
i am currently on sabbatical from people i know personally.
when i come back,
after all this self-work,
ima be a real beast.
like when kristin came back to torment lauren on “the hills”.
that is the story ima tell myself.
my old story is done.
LOL YES I LOVE IT!!! I feel like we are on similar trajectory both being in our early 30’s and doing the self work to really discover and OWN our value and worth.
Yeah I’m starting my sabbatical this week and tonight I have a consultation with a dating coach to help kickstart my love life again. I’m going to take myself out this weekend to a lounge and the movies. I need to really have a self care day on Sunday and where I can cleanse my spirit and soul and feed my mind. I need to get back into my financial education about stocks and building my 401k.
It’s a hot boy summer and time we act like it and put everyone on notice!
My story is that I say things that happened to me and people are staring at me wondering how I am so calm. I downplay much of what’s happened to me because I put others before myself and I am a people pleaser. Someone pointed out that I insult myself before others can do so because I am so used to the negativity that I now announce and manifest it. It’s so bad that people who are better off than I, will ask me to donate to someone in need when they could do so.
I’m the one people call on when they need a place to stay, a listening ear, money, I am making sure everyone is good. This has cost me positions in the workplace (I suggested someone who I knew they were going to let go for a promotion that was meant for me and they promoted him and instead let ME go)
I am learning to say No, be more selfish and not let people manipulate me because I no longer am willing to drop everything for them.
We are all reflections of our family and surroundings. We all also have a way or reacting to things. Some people are more resilient than others. This is why it’s dangerous to compare pain, tell people to get over it or that they’re too sensitive. Just because you are able to juggle it, doesn’t mean others can bounce back as easily.
One thing I’ve noticed is I become selfish when I’m angry. My feelings matter and I don’t care how others feel because I have repressed and sidestepped my feelings for so long that it’s built up. But when I am calm, it’s easy for me to see the other side. It’s important to see how others feel, but also to not let them manipulate you and tell you how to feel.
One other thing I’ve had to work is my assumptions versus reality. Just because someone else has done something, it’s not fair for me to put that on someone who hasn’t given me any reason to believe they’d display that behavior. My assumptions became more important than what was happening and I had to look at the moment and take my preconceived emotions out of it.
I am reading this at 4AM in the morning where I live and this has spoke to my Spirit and Soul. I felt this message deep down. This is a word.