we all have moments that define our lives.
i have had a few that shaped me in some way.
as traumatic as they were,
they definitely made me the fox i am today.
someone pointed out an epiphany moment during one of my defining moments.
i had to be about 10 or so…
…this is a long entry,
but there is a gem inside it for those looking for one…
so i was sleeping over my best friend at the time crib.
lemme tell ya’ll…
His house was the spot to be at.
we met at church and his family took me in as their own.
all the kids in the church loved going over their spot.
they were like the perfect family in my young eyes.
dad and mom still together.
2 sisters; 2 brothers.
a big ass crib to get lost in.
i loved going over there because it was an escape from my own house.
they were from trinidad and since i’m from barbados,
i fit right in within that west indian culture.
Well one day,
that perfect situation crashed for me…
one day while i was over there,
their cousins came over.
i won’t lie,
he was cute af.
he was a teenager and a “boy’s boy“.
you could tell he was already fuckin’ by the way he moved.
he introduced himself to me and came off to be real cool.
he would always rub my head randomly so i thought he was opening the door for friendship.
he decided to sleep over because we were all having so much fun playing super nintendo.
because there was so much kids in that room already,
my best friend’s parents told me and my best friend to sleep downstairs.
the next morning,
my best friend was gone so i assumed he already went back upstairs.
foxhole…
it was like slow motion when i got upstairs to that bedroom door.
all i heard from the cousin was:
“Yo I think your friend is gay.”
“Did he rape you while you were downstairs?”
“I know he hadokened all in that booty.”
thinking back,
these are situations that can make straight males weary of being cool with gay males.
well my best friend defended me,
but his little brother and another cousin that was there was joining in on the jokes.
i can’t describe the pain i felt at that moment.
it was like something died inside me.
so i went back downstairs and cried.
i wanted to make up an excuse so my mother could pick me up.
well one of his sisters came downstairs and asked me why i was down there.
she said that i could sleep in the bedroom with them.
they were both much older,
but they always somehow kicked our asses in street fighter.
lowkey had a crush on the other sister.
when i was in that room with them,
it felt different.
they made me feel protected and introduced me to the world of r&b.
i legit became a stan of r&b because of them.
the defining moment came when i confronted my friend’s little brother and other cousin.
i wasn’t rah rah about it.
at a young age,
i hit them both with how fucked up it was and how it hurt my feelings.
i realized how that hits different than a smack in the face.
well the younger brother ended up crying and apologized.
this week,
i shared that experience with my therapist.
it helped him put together more pieces to “me”,
but he pointed out the strength it took to confront in the moment.
my inner child is one brave little muthafucka.
i knew i was not like the other boys,
but people (including my parents) made me feel bad for being who i am.
they made “gay” and “soft” to be this ugly thing that i carried with me.
that situation always made me assume people were talking and judging me.
it didn’t help when i walked in a room,
everyone would stare at me like i was some kind of monster.
it made me uncomfortable and homophobic within my own skin.
like my best friend’s sisters,
i felt most black vixens always protected me so i stuck closer to them.
i never felt comfortable around some straight males and some never felt comfortable around me.
i felt a sense of healing after letting alla that off my soul tho.
he also told me:
“Always stick with people who are like The Sisters.
Those who will make me feel protected and give me new experiences as they did.”
my friends and the foxhole are “the sisters” in my life.
i’m grateful to feel seen and protected when i’m with you all.
thank you for reading.
i know this was pretty long lol.
This was a deep post and these are the kind of childhood experiences you have to confront head on. You are not alone, as I myself have had to deal with the same shit. People don’t think gossip about your sexuality can have an affect on the relationships you attempt to build with other people but it does.
Being “outed”/pointed out when you’re still trying to find your identity was one the most shifting and unfortunate life experiences to me ever. Children are too vulnerable to carry that type of pressure.
I don’t even attempt to interact with (straight) men publicly, especially groups, because of this. There are former co-workers and stuff, but it’s not the same thing because that’s professional.
High school experiences made me introvert and homely, and I’m fine with it at this point.
Your testimony is relatable and most of us are still seeking to heal from all we’ve been/going through.
I’m new to this platform and I like it here.
Keep your head up. You’ll be fine.
Won’t lie my eyes clouded reading this.
You just described my experience growing up.
I wanted so badly to be like other guys..
To be accepted
Now I’m 38 and still that little scared and humiliated boy..withdrawn in my shell
I can relate 100%
I always get emotional from your post because I relate to much. Same her guys always judged how I acted/act always u comfortable around me or assume I was gay( even though I’m not flamboyant) even when I’m quiet people assume because I’m quiet lol people are so dumb but yea I’m only around females because I guess that’s where I feel “safe” what’s confusing to me is those same dudes be the main one doing the “gay” shit and be touchy feely
I never commented before but I love your blog, nowadays it’s my escape from reality.
Thank you for sharing, that was beautiful and powerful at the same time. You are really a bad ass since you were young If it was me I don’t think I would confronted them.
You’re amazing never forget that, and if you ever forget, do come here and we will remind you!
Nobody can ever say you aren’t manly or masculine. Being a man is about standing up for yourself and others. And you were able to at that young age. I hope you reach into yourself when you feel alone and realize how truly strong you are.
I guarantee that cousin is on the low now. That was such an oddly detailed accusation to make. He clearly was hormonal and projecting his desires for his cousin, onto you. I have heard of people experimenting with siblings and cousins. People project and attack things in others that they see in themselves. I’m sorry you dealt with that and am grateful for the sisters. Are you still in touch with them?
^thank you for your comment c!
yes,
i follow both of them on my personal socials.
i finally told her today about that moment.
my spirit was urging me to share that with her and let her know how much she meant to me.
I appreciate you sharing this with us but I do want to know what made them suspect you being gay? Was the cousin curious or had feelings for you? In my experience when supposedly straight boys do stuff like that they are secretly attracted to you, don’t know how to feel about it, & it manifests as bullying.
^honestly josh,
i don’t know.
i was sitting there playing street fighter.
he came in and gave me dap.
we were all talking and having fun.
it fucked me up because it made me uncomfortable being “me”.
@Josh not butting in on your comment to Jamari, but for alot of “us” our dead “giveaways” are 1. Ah high voice that has a slight “gay lisp” or talks with “too much emotion” and 2. Mannerisms; sometimes a slight switch when walking or bent wrist, honestly there are many things that older people can easily pick up on when we are young because we don’t “know” how to hide these things yet in order to survive!
When you share a story, we become a family and watch out for one another. We can relate in some kind of way. Always stay strong no matter what. When tough times come, remember us to uplift you.
^thank you brother.
i appreciate you!
Just curious, are you doing therapy over the phone or in person with a face mask?
^virtual via facetime!
after that situation,
i never went back there again.
ETA: it started being less and less until i was done.
as the years went on,
i started to rebel to prove i was “straight”.
started hanging with the bad wolves who smoked and did dumb shit.
my best friend stopped calling me because his parents didn’t want him mixing with me.
started fuckin’ up in school and dropped out.
people don’t realize the demons folks carry can effect them in many ways.
that is such a crappy, experience but thank you for sharing. I think for many of us, girls are the ones that were kind and understanding. I remember in 4th grade my friend Dalia (she was big and tough) protected me from the other boys (the boys didn’t know I was gay, but they knew I wasn’t like them).
thank you for sharing.
Wow, I don’t normally comment but that moved me. I definitely appreciate you for sharing this; sometimes that’s all we need to do to show someone else the way…
^OG,
thank you for coming out of lurk to leave love.
i appreciate you for commenting and grateful you received the message within it.
Thank you for sharing its always nice when we can release a burden or reminscr over traumatic experiences and shed dead weight
^thank you for reading.
i hit up one of the sisters today and told her how much she meant to me during that time.
she didn’t even know it happened,
but i told my therapist i had a urge in my spirit to let her know.
i was a little nervous because i didn’t want her to think i was disrespecting her family,
but she was so grateful and apologized for their behavior.
i told her that happened so long ago and i definitely wasn’t mad at the boys.
it was something that shaped my life and i wanted to let her know that her kindness was appreciated in that moment.
she was grateful.
We appreciate you for the community you have created. We see you. We appreciate you. We love you, brother!
^thank you and the love is always appreciated!!
love you as well and enjoy your day and weekend!