my father violated me tonight.

we all weren’t blessed in life to pick our parents.
if so,
i would have picked a father who isn’t a liar and coward.
caribbean fathers have a tendency to be the worst.
my father and i have had a very distant relationship over the years,
even when i was a kid in barbados.
it was all due to the issues between my grandmother and him.
he was only used to buy me school uniforms and haircuts.
i’ll never forget going out with him as a kid and one of his friends saying how “soft” i looked.
deep down inside,
my father knew that i would be gay but didn’t want to admit it at the time.
when we had an honest conversation a few years ago,
i revealed my sexuality to him and he claimed he already knew.
he let me know that i was his son and that he would accept me.
things took a different turn during a phone call we had…

i haven’t spoken to my father in years.
it was right after my sister left out my crib.
in all my years,
i know he’ll remember me on my birthday and thats about it.
we tried to have a connection,
but all he did was complain about my grandmother and mother.
it wasn’t trying to get to know me now but…

How he wasn’t able or allowed to know me before.

i get it,
but let’s move on.

earlier tonight,
some weird shit went down were some random woman sent me a message on whatsapp:

My birthday is in July.
This random hasn’t contacted me before on my birthdays so why now?

it was really weird tbh but it ended up with my father and i talking on the phone.
i noticed this weird distance when i called him.
he kept asking me during the call:

Are you married?
Do you have kids?
Do you have a girlfriend?
Why don’t you want a girlfriend?
Are you sure you don’t want kids?

it kept happening all throughout the conversation and it was annoying me.
so of course,
i flipped on him.

“I remember you telling me you were…
I thought it was a phase.”


“When you told me you were gay,
I hung up the phone and cried.”

was my father drunk?
when we had that conversation,
he told me he had accepted me and my life.
so in 2021 he thinks it was a phase and “i was keeping my girlfriend a secret“?
he kept asking me if i was still in church too.
the weird part was when i blacked on him,
he kept backpedaling that he never asked me about my girlfriend in the conversation.
i let him know that i have survived out here alone without my mother AND him.

“Your mother didn’t allow me to speak to you?”

my mother has been dead for close to 20 years now.
wtf was he even talking about?

the whole conversation hurt my feelings tbh.
i shouldn’t feel low,
but i do.
i think the fact that he lied and made me think he accepted me.
he never did.
during that time we spoke,
he told me he was scared to call before because he thought some male would answer my phone.
he said he thought my “man” would beat me for having some random guy calling me.
he would beat me for my father calling me?
ain’t no negro answering my phone.
he always has these excuses as to why he couldn’t be a father to me.

I wish you all the best.”

that was the last thing he kept repeating before we hung up.
i realized we both won’t be speaking to each other again.
it really emphasized i’m really all of this alone.
i don’t have any parents although one is still alive.
he truly was a sperm donor and i wish him the best.

9 thoughts on “my father violated me tonight.

  1. Jamari, I want to let you know I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I extend my support, love and grace to you. Please always remember, it is it not your fault. We unfortunately cannot choose our parents, and so many of us do not grow up with supportive parents, or we have ones whose love is conditional and begrudging, when it should be unconditional and everlasting. This is the reason so many LGBT people create our own families, made up of people who can and will share with us the love we need, and vice versa.

    I am not going to downgrade your father, but it sounds like he is unable to deal with the complete, beautiful person you are. I have always heard the mantra of family, family, family, but having seen so much rejection among my (Black) friends by their families, and having lived through psychic violence myself from my own father, I would say take the steps you need to be whole, safe, and self-affirming. If that means not dealing with this man for the near or long term, so be it. I hope you can gather loving, affirming people around you, and again, always remember, your light is your own and try not to let anyone diminish it. Even those who should be closest and most supportive but aren’t.

  2. First off, let me say that I am so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve that. But please know that this speaks more to your father’s character than yours.

    My father is from Barbados, too. He has always been an absentee parent and after my parents divorced, he rarely paid child support and had no role in my or my siblings’ lives. I made a choice to cut him off at 16 and I haven’t spoken to him since. I’m 48.

    I’m not telling you what to do. It’s your choice to have a relationship with this man moving forward. However, please remember that we teach people how to treat us. I hope you make the right decision moving forward.

  3. Sending you love and light ! We have to disengage from those who don’t have our best interests, and that includes family. I hate that this happened to you. It is so hard identifying with facet of gayness with parents who are ignorant. Even now, my father hopes as a bisexual man , I would GIVE him a grandchild.
    Also, these convos are SUPER draining. Take care of yourself and recharge. I’ve been blessed to find my own on family outside of my blood. Sometimes blood isn’t who’s connected but who would give their own blood for you ❤️. Feel better bro

  4. I’m sorry to hear that you had a weird and emotionally exhausting day. You can’t allow yourself to get yanked around by other people’s mistakes, and invalid perceptions of you.

    As you continue to work through your emotions regarding this situation, use this pain as motivation to be all that you can be for you. At the end of the day, you only have yourself and your faith in whatever you believe in, so keep pushing forward.

  5. Father’s can be trash because many have no clue how to be good dads. Many are completing the cycle of what they were given from their pops. I almost get the phone call thing because my mom was the same way. When I was in college I had some local ghetto chicks at my campus apartment. I left to go do my work study job and when I came back Rashida was like some chick called for you. I didn’t think much of it. A couple of weeks went by and I noticed I hadn’t gotten my weekly call from my mom. When I ended up calling her she was like all distant and really never resumed calling me weekly anymore. Apparently she had called and the chicken heads thought she was another chick just Saying she was my mom and cursed her out. That innocence was broken and now she thought I was screwing every skirt in town and tried to have the sex talk with me. I was like you are about a decade late with that.

  6. Sending you love, J.

    I’m not gonna make any excuses or justify your father’s actions and just pray that before he leaves this Earth, that he not only accepts you but embraces you because he’s losing out on an awesome person ❤️

    Know that none of this is your fault.

    Continue to design the life of your dreams and pour into the relationships that embrace and empower you with the love you deserve.

  7. It is not your fault. Feel the pain. Don’t deny or try to ignore it. If you choose to have children, you will NEVER make them feel this way no matter what they do that isn’t what you would have wanted for them.

    You can choose who you want your family to be. Family are there for you, loving you regardless.

    You will be amazed at how strong you are, dealing with all of this without a parental support system. It’s not impossible, but difficult.

    You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to be strong for anyone. Be vulnerable with those who won’t hold it against you or over you later. Being strong is denying that you’re human. Be strong when a fboy tries you. Embrace all of this pain and wear it as armor. You are not ruined and you can live well in spite of him.

    1. ^thank you seli.

      this makes me want to be something amazing.
      i’ve been through so much,
      and going through so much,
      and would really like to catch a tremendous blessing.
      i’m feeling tired and low energy.
      it’s been a weird day and this was the icing on the cake.

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