we all weren’t blessed in life to pick our parents.
i would have picked a father who isn’t a liar and coward.
caribbean fathers have a tendency to be the worst.
my father and i have had a very distant relationship over the years,
even when i was a kid in barbados.
it was all due to the issues between my grandmother and him.
he was only used to buy me school uniforms and haircuts.
i’ll never forget going out with him as a kid and one of his friends saying how “soft” i looked.
deep down inside,
my father knew that i would be gay but didn’t want to admit it at the time.
when we had an honest conversation a few years ago,
i revealed my sexuality to him and he claimed he already knew.
he let me know that i was his son and that he would accept me.
things took a different turn during a phone call we had…
i haven’t spoken to my father in years.
it was right after my sister left out my crib.
in all my years,
i know he’ll remember me on my birthday and thats about it.
we tried to have a connection,
but all he did was complain about my grandmother and mother.
it wasn’t trying to get to know me now but…
How he wasn’t able or allowed to know me before.
i get it,
but let’s move on.
some weird shit went down were some random woman sent me a message on whatsapp:
My birthday is in July.
This random hasn’t contacted me before on my birthdays so why now?
it was really weird tbh but it ended up with my father and i talking on the phone.
i noticed this weird distance when i called him.
he kept asking me during the call:
Are you married?
Do you have kids?
Do you have a girlfriend?
Why don’t you want a girlfriend?
Are you sure you don’t want kids?
it kept happening all throughout the conversation and it was annoying me.
so of course,
i flipped on him.
“I remember you telling me you were…
I thought it was a phase.”
“When you told me you were gay,
I hung up the phone and cried.”
was my father drunk?
when we had that conversation,
he told me he had accepted me and my life.
so in 2021 he thinks it was a phase and “i was keeping my girlfriend a secret“?
he kept asking me if i was still in church too.
the weird part was when i blacked on him,
he kept backpedaling that he never asked me about my girlfriend in the conversation.
i let him know that i have survived out here alone without my mother AND him.
“Your mother didn’t allow me to speak to you?”
my mother has been dead for close to 20 years now.
wtf was he even talking about?
the whole conversation hurt my feelings tbh.
i shouldn’t feel low,
but i do.
i think the fact that he lied and made me think he accepted me.
he never did.
during that time we spoke,
he told me he was scared to call before because he thought some male would answer my phone.
he said he thought my “man” would beat me for having some random guy calling me.
he would beat me for my father calling me?
ain’t no negro answering my phone.
he always has these excuses as to why he couldn’t be a father to me.
I wish you all the best.”
that was the last thing he kept repeating before we hung up.
i realized we both won’t be speaking to each other again.
it really emphasized i’m really all of this alone.
i don’t have any parents although one is still alive.
he truly was a sperm donor and i wish him the best.