IT HURTS LIKE HELL.

I feel like I should be wearing some big glasses,
moving my head back and forth,
wearing all black,
and singing hood anthems…

a la…

It’s that wonderful period in my life again.
One that seems tougher than the past.
Now, a Fox has been:

Homelessness, sleeping on couches, broke, jobless, loneliness…
Not to mention betrayed, talked about, used and thrown to the side…

A Fox has been through the ends and outs.
God has blessed me so much these last few years that I could never complain.
But, I seem to be in a slump these last few months.
Nothing seems to be going where I want it to go.

Am I being ungrateful?

Have you gone through the darkest moon in your life?
Have you ever been in a nightmare that you tried your hardest to wake up from?
Has your life been perfect, or have you been through bullshit?

I always wondered why people play perfect.
What is the point of playing a role that can easily be shone a spotlight on?
I don’t get it…
and maybe I shouldn’t worry about other people lives than my own.
People can learn from other people’s testimonies,
but of course in the age of social media,
everyone tries to put on a show for an audience who will drop them once the time is up.

As of late, I think I have been put in a serious test I didn’t expect/study for.
I was late for class, no damn pencil, and everyone is two pages in…
…and I’m still writing my name.

I have never felt this stressed out before.
I have never felt this insecure before.
I have never felt this exhausted before.
I have never felt this alone before.

When do the hard times let up?
Can we go years without finding our breakthroughs?
And when do we know that we passed the “test”?

When it comes to these damn tests…

When do we really graduate?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

26 thoughts on “IT HURTS LIKE HELL.

  1. Steven :
    I feel u…I’m goin thru it too. We just gotta keep our heads up and get thru it.

    True Steven in some cases but in most others keeping you head up is easier said than done.

  2. Only you can fix ur situation, and u know what u gotta do. The hard part is doing it. Be honest with urself and handle ur business.

  3. Trust that God is always just a prayer away, trust your inner compass continue to share true love,and respect with all who we are blessed to get to know, because we all can and must learn from one another.I too am going through a very heavy heart, because i allowed the wrong people in my inner space, God has started putting people and things out my life , because i am moving in a new season, and those people and things that are in my life now, can not come in to my new season. I thank the universe(GOD), for all i have gone through because I still am Fly as heck, I still have a GOD given glow, I respect all that come around me. And all that hate on me, when you know better you do better, I say to everyone TRUST YOUR INNER VOICE, even if the enemy is working to stop your blessing’s, the battle is not ours it’s the Lords.(smile) GOD CAN DREAM AND DO A BETTER AND BIGGER DREAM THAN, ALL THE ATTACKS OF OUR ENEMY. LOVE AND BLESSINGS EACH AND EVERYONE.

  4. So can we get pass some of the standard post card greetings God is with you which I believe that he or only you can do it and give some examples of how yall mother F*ers over came your trials!!!! Why you think I asked anyone if they had some bomb ass weed earlier lol

  5. Killablaq, weed only makes what you are going through stop for as long as you are high, the feelings you had before the weed is still there, after the high is gone. We live in a world where we don’t want to lose ourselves in untruths, our ego takes over then we lose self, because the ego keeps saying untruths and we believe them and we keep looking for highs, lovers, shopping, but when it is all said and done we are right back at the start with our ego,and the lies our ego tells .And if we do not get it, we will be in the same place ,doing the same game, with our ego over and over, so please get the lesson.I am not judging i just feel that f someone had told me this secret in my teens-20’s i would not have allowed my ego to keep me alone, scared to meet and get to know people, I also would not have allowed myself to see a man i see often on my way to and from work , and create in my mind an attraction, to him and just because he would stare at me wish he would come over and get to know me , I allowed my ego to tell me a lie and i fell for it for much to long.I am now coming out of this silly lie my ego told me i share this because if it will help another brother in the life not fall for his ego and the lies our ego tell, again trust your inner voice, and share what you have learned with others so they do not have to go through what we all have learned to handle in all the ways we handle our ups and downs that we all go through, some because of others, and most because of ego. EACH ONE TEACH ONE, PASS IT ON!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Bruh I was just joking I mean seriously yo, who da hell tries to score weed on a gay blog lol. However yo other fucking points were good, now what are you doing later tonight? LOL

  7. I am just sharing for all because someone who is going through problems ,of any kind may have read what i had in my heart to share with you and with the blog , and my words might i pry let them know they we are never alone, and with this blog we can in truth share, all I do is in love, because we gay men, those who are dl, bi, trans, and fem are each others post we have to keep the others prayed up, and continue to give and show respect. LOVE AND BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE.

  8. Jamari only thing I can say is prayer works, and you might need to get that friend thats spritual yet down to earch and you’ll just pray about it first and then talk it out and share your quarlms with them and then consider it already done..

  9. I’m sure it’ll get better…we all go through hardships at a period in our life…I’m trying to get through mines as we speak. Most people look at you smiling and carrying on but when your alone at night in bed they dont feel how much it hurts when we cry ourselves to sleep. I got some inspiration from watching The Green Lantern through…speaking on how “Will” is the strongest of any of our emotions…and although for a moment their fear led them to believe that “FEAR” was greater…The “WILL” to overcome “FEAR” is far greater. We just have to be willing to confront our problems…not walk away from them to try and get away but walk through them.

    Stay encouraged. I know its easier said than done but I’ve always said it before that this blog has helped me so much in the last (almost) two years I’ve found it… dealing with myself, being black and gay, etc. You speak truth and by you sharing your life thoughts and experiences it is helping us: your Foxes and Wolves. PS: I barely comment nowadays because I usually have to catch up after a week or so…so I’d rather not comment on an old post.

    We are here for you always bro, we are here for each other…just remember that! Much love.

  10. So moderator what we are trying to fucking say is “At your best you are loved!!!!” Now give me sum of that good stuff!!!! LOL

  11. Its only a test, I too as many on here have been through some trials in 2011, I left a good paying job in this economy because it was literally killing me, I was tired of seeing so many people come down with stress related illnesses and feeling miserable everyday about my job and my life, overeating, overweight, in a bad relationship, everybody from family to friends said I was crazy for leaving in this job market. Havent found a new job and its been hard but I found me. Im 40lbs lighter and the body is tight thanks to being able to spend time in the gym, the attention is almost worth being broke LOL. I dont know what tomorrow brings,but if I wake up Im still lucky than a lot of people who didnt so I know I have a chance. You are just being prepared for the next step of your journey which is gonna be bigger and better, God just wants to know that you can handle the little situations before he puts you into bigger and better things.

  12. I’ve been where you are and know those feelings: some days you just wanna say “F this sh*t!” or it feels like everything is working against you. It sucks big tranny balls, I know…but you’ll get through it.

    Be encouraged. Be thankful of what you’ve got and mindful that there are other people out here that aren’t in good health, have a roof over their head, and are living in pure insanity. Take whatever you are going thru head-on,one thing at a time, and you’ll push thru.

    You got this.

  13. Awwwwww warm hugs Xoxo
    You’re level of transparency and vulnerability
    Just made you THAT much more attractive *shrugs*
    Is that weird? I like to nurture. I think its b/c I’m a Virgo.
    Anyway, don’t be sad Jamari 🙁
    I’m sure all your hearts desires are right in front of you…
    You’ve just yet to look up 😉
    Open your eyes and smile Bae!

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