when i was younger,
i was wild sensitive.
like,
deep in the jungles kind of wild.
you couldn’t make a joke in my expense without me spiraling.
i tried to control how people saw me.
if someone dared come for me,
or if i fell on my ass in public…

I’d have an attitude,
shut down,
and silently abuse myself.

God forbid it was about my sexuality or my femininity.
i’d be ready to pack up and start over in a new country.
tbh,
it all came from my insecurities and this desperate need for perfection.
thank you Gran!
you abused me in your own need for perfection!

…then one day with karaoke around the mid 00s,
something changed.
she made a joke about me or something and i reacted badly.
the truth of why i reacted the way i did?

People I thought were my friends were slandering me in the forests.
Once you stop fuckin’ with people that are no good for you,
they’ll do everything in their power to make you look bad.
They were telling the truth about how i had no money and my sexuality.
Again: insecurities.

she knew all of this and said:

“Jamari,
you have to learn to laugh at yourself.
if you don’t,
other people will do it for you.”

it took a minute but i learned not to take myself so seriously.
it helped when shit got back to me because i’d give it no energy.
those people had no more power over me.
it’s about keeping your power.
think about kim kardashian.
she is often dragged bald a majority of times.

She’ll just tell you to buy Skims or watch that show of hers.

when you have that kind of resilience,
you are the most powerful of them all.