I Will Not Be A Slut (Again: I Will Not Be A Slut)

i saw him again today.
“the ultimate wolf” as i’m calling him in my head.
this is just based on the physical.
he could actually be an asshole.
either way…

i went into the kitchen to refill my water bottle and there he was.
he had on all black today.
no tie.
i guess he wore it to mourn my lust for the thirst of his semen.

he looked like what a black christian grey from “50 shades” should look like.
something about him seems like there is more to him outside work.
he had a couple snow bunnies surrounding him.
they were all laughing at his jokes and grinning in his face.
too bad he doesn’t want any of them.
we locked eyes…
…but i quickly looked away.
i tend to that when they are real fine and my type.
i get shy.
#dontjudgeme

what am i even saying?
this wolf is in a relationship.
i’m assume he is happy because he has mentioned it to randoms in the office.
it makes me jealous.
of his boyfriend,
more so.
he gets that.
someone to come home to at night or get cute texts in the day.
i’m in a “fairy tale” mode.
sorry.

i often wonder how do relationships like this even start?
high school?
college?
lucked up on bgc or a4a?

is it like kevin and black from “moonlight”?
they just “knew” as cubs?
it makes me feel like i missed “him” somewhere.
like,
he was probably in my face and i fucked it up.
i tend to do that.
i’m awkward and a bit of a fuck up.
now i’m in a personal hell,
seeing these wolves on social media and work,
and having the joy of knowing i’m still not chose.
that i’m getting my shit together,
a great catch,
and no one notices but my friends and the foxhole.
there are so many catches out here that are like me.
hard working,
building,
freaks,
but single.
money can only buy so much.

i’ll stop looking at “the ultimate wolf” tho.
i’ll also stop calling him that.
it only builds up something that will never happen between us.
i tend to do that too.
i try to be optimistic and i like good looking dick.
i’ll ask God to allow me to pay attention as i look forward.
i need a loud ass notification when “all mines” is in my face.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

21 thoughts on “I Will Not Be A Slut (Again: I Will Not Be A Slut)

  1. Hey jamari I love and read your blog a lot you seem like a catch ! If I was you I will go back to that best buy store to get the security guy when I was in NYC I was shocked to see how guys are bold especially on the malls etc I wish I lived there cause over here (London) negroes are a bore loool
    Be blessed!

  2. When I read your personal entries, I get some apprehension and doubt in your abilities on a romantic level. I don’t truly know you, so its just an assumption. But you’re smart and highly talented. You’re a big deal, Jamari. Maybe do the solo route. Go to the library, go to the Nuyorican, walk around lower Manhattan (not Christopher St.) or take the PATH over to Jersey City. It clears your head and you gain perspective on people and yourself. I believe in organic happenings and I feel that you are going to find someone that complements you and the lifestyle that you presently enjoy.

    Foxhole got your back.

    1. ^i love this because you hit the nail on the head when it comes to me.
      ill follow your suggestions.
      too much times i try to do things with others.
      now i can actually afford ny,
      ill try more things alone.

      thank you f&s.

  3. Your wolf is out there just like mine is I think we’re going to have to get out of our comfort zone and be more of the pursuer.

  4. I feel the same way Jamari. I’m a work in progress in that dept. tbh. I know my value as a person, I don’t say that “I’m a catch” because it just sounds presumptuous for me to say that about myself, but I do know what I bring to the table. In other aspects of my life, I consider myself to be confident, and strong, I’m a go getter, I’m not shy about getting what I want or need, but love and sex seem to be my cryptonite, I’m just inept in that area. I don’t have the confidence to approach guys, hell I don’t know what it means when guys look at me. I get looks, but I don’t know if they’re good looks or bad looks so I just assume the worst. I never feel adequate. I’m not ugly, by any means, but I’m certainly not FINE or anything like that LOL (or at least, I don’t think so), so I feel like I just get looked over idk. Another thing is, is that I wouldn’t give up sex with anyone right away, I’m looking for something more intimate and personal (as much as I’d want sex) but I feel like that alone takes me right out of the game. I need maturity and intimacy, and to be taken seriously, give me that, and I’ll be your slut, LOL but only for someone serious.

    Idk how some of y’all know when a “straight” guy (with a gf, or wife etc) plays for our team. I don’t use those apps, but as of late I’ve been tempted to try it out, but given what I’m looking for, it just doesn’t make sense. idk what to do.

    I think it’s the fact that I’ve always been so focused on education and jobs and stuff that I never explored that aspect of myself so i don’t have much experience to go on.

    I say all that to say. I feel you Jamari. I wish I could give you advice but, I’m not in a position to. This is NOT my area of expertise LOL ,but I feel you. I often wonder the same things myself, like did I miss an opportunity? Am I currently missing an opportunity? There’s this cute football guy at my job (think he’s straight though) and he’s intelligent, and I wonder sometimes if I’m somehow blocking a blessing because of my inhibitions and self-doubt in this area.

    1. ^so love this.

      it helps to know that someone is also dealing with what i’m going through.
      a virtual shoulder for the next.
      thank you for this comment d.
      i loved it.

    2. Did you gesture when you guys locked eyes? Anyways he’s out, there’s no need to be shy guy. but yes, i agree in the eye of perfection we tend to veer away.

      1. I always just look away and assume it was nothing. I don’t want to put myself in that situation where I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, so i just keep it moving. Perhaps that’s where I’m going wrong, idk.

    3. @Diggy & Jamari…if your strong points stand out, that will make people gravitate to you more. Are you a good listener? How are you in social settings? With me, I don’t feel that I’m drop dead gorgeous kinda guy, but people do tell me and have told me that I’m a handsome fella. (In my mind I’m like OK)

      My thing is I am oblivious to people hitting on me, sending me signals, etc. It will go over my head, but people I’m with will pick up on it. For some reason, people gravitate towards me and want to divulge their life story to me, and I’m not like that. Sometimes I’m like that TMI, but it’s like they don’t care. It’s gotten to the point where I put on my “mean mug” and headphones to keep them away, because sometimes you don’t want to hear other people’s problems/stories…you just want to zone out.

      I’ve found just being myself has given me the opportunity to get close to people, and I do believe that several guys have subtly hit on me and/or expressed interest. It dawns on me later, but I don’t bring up the subject again…I will let them do that. If they’re interested in you, you will get the message sooner or later. They like to “feel you out” to see if you’re someone that they can drop their guard around. I’m finding this out more and more. Just be you, and if you’re not a drama queen or someone that puts their business out there, like most office workers do…they will come! Just be prepared to deal with THEIR insecurities! LOL

  5. Jamari, we are dying to know how he looks. What person of recognition does he closely resemble? Spill a little of that tea, boy! Lol

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