i can’t be gay

damn,
i think i might be gay.
i can’t believe i thought that shit…

i’ve always been straight,
doing things with females,
but it’s this one dude tho…
as soon as he comes around,
he does something to me.
that same feeling i have when i’m attracted to girls.
i’ve been around a ton of other dudes before,
but none of them ever made me feel this way.
this dude is different.
he moves different.
he is kinda soft.
i know this dude is gay.
it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t fuck with females.
he dresses real nice,
always smells good,
but those lips

those lips…

every time he walks past me,
i can’t help but stare at him.
sometimes he catches me staring too.
every day,
i find myself excited to see him.
every night,
he is the star of my fantasies.
when i watch porn or i’m fuckin’ a girl,
i always imagine me doing that same shit to him.

Would I fuck him the same way I would a female?

you know what?
i can’t be thinking like this.
it’s not natural.
it’s not how i was raised.
what would my father think?
my mother?
my friends?
they would stop speaking to me.
plus this type of shit is a sin,
but i can’t stop thinking about this dude.
fuck.

when ever he would talk to me,
i started doing the same shit i would do with a female.
i’d fuck up and catch myself flirting so i had pull back.
quick.
this dude scares me tho.
for a while,
i’d make sure i wouldn’t look at him when he walked by.
i had to start ignoring him.
it was hard,
but i had to do it.
i couldn’t let this shit take over me anymore.
i been trying to stop jackin off to him but it’s so hard.
it’s like the more i try to ignore him,
the more i’m attracted to him.
i don’t know what this dude is doing to me but i gotta let this go.
i’m not about to be in nothing with no dude.
fuck that.

…but i don’t know.
i just don’t know.

the thought process of a confused male.
that internal battle sounds familiar.
if you’re on the receiving end of his confusion,
don’t take it personal.

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Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

22 thoughts on “i can’t be gay

  1. I should send this anonymously to several guys. Ruin their entire weekend.

    And yes, I do smell good. He acted like he couldn’t hear me and got so close I felt him breathing on my face. #TRADE Smh

    1. This was well written. Imagine if you started writing under a pseudonym/pen name and it went viral and nobody knew it was Jamari Fox?

      Something to think on. A publisher could read out to you. If people are getting movies off of tweets, why not you? Go viral in 2020! Scam! Scheme! The world needs to know your name. Like that fake twerk video Jimmy Kimmel did. Calculate and profit.

  2. I’ve experienced this song and dance too many times and the ironic part is most cases its a guy you never expect until they confess to you. It’s emotionally exhausting at times being Black and Gay, all while looking for love simultaneously

  3. This is all too familiar. All throughout school guys would want to fight me or disliked me for literally no reason other than in their words I was a”pretty boy”. It wasn’t until I had got older that I realized what was going on. I’ve always been masculine and I certainly wasn’t “out” back then. It appears these guys were “straight” but I was the boy who’s very presence they felt challenged their masculinity. They didn’t know how to process their attraction towards me other than to lash out. Their behavior around me when we were alone vs around other people were in stark contrast which is a dead give-away. I had social anxiety back then and still do which is why it’s hard for me to pick up on telltale signs without overthinking it. Once I was a little older things became more clear and I realized how many of these encounters went right over my head.

    1. ^wow this is deep and also very similar.

      most of my bullies found ways to touch me in their lashing out.
      some were demons but many were probably attracted to me and were confused as to why.

      great comment!

  4. Jamari!!!! I miss you, but I’m still here buddy. You write the stories to our lives brother. Someone needed to read this. We have all been there or will be there. It’s a headache dealing with those type of guys, but they are fighting themselves and so confused.

  5. There’s also this saying that if you like someone but can’t commit to them, your spiritual self may be rejecting your physical perceptions meaning its not a match for long term.

    Listen…and apply the appropriate analysis.

    Then again…

    Reading the different posts on this topic my experience with these types of guys were a little different. Most of the guys who bullied me didn’t like my nonchalant attitude or that I considered reading in the library better than doing drugs and chasing clumsy girls. They also hated my soft demeanor and quick wit.

    Almost all guys that liked me have shown it by either their eyes or speech and some have tried that touching shit too.

    They have never bullied me at first. I’ve been hit on by “regular” guys, jocks (football and basketball), an obnoxious C-lister, thugs, teachers (umm no) and old dudes (old enough to have been at the Last supper with Jesus.) They’ve all been nice or flirty, some change and became meaner when I denied their advances. Sorry, dudes. I gotta get to really know you.

    At the same time, I kinda side with the topic and posts. No one bully is the same. I personally believe folks may have already been in a relationship with their bully. What I mean by that is…your bully sees something in you that he has to conceal when he is at home. You see something in him that allows him to punish you for being yourself. This creates a link. A relationship between you two. In a gay scenario.. Most bullies are closer to their fathers, and their vicitms are most often closer to their mothers and are just effeminate and soft.

    You can still be masculine and be “soft.” I’m masculine but not “traditionally masculine.” I don’t like sports, getting dirty or any of that rough stuff. You’ll find my silly ass frolicking like Snow White with nature before I ever think of touching a football. To be honest I usually just call Soft Men, Metrosexuals or whatever to save time but they are just hypersensitive emotionally-based men. Good men (if they can control their emotions.)

    Confused curious masculine men are bullies because:

    Men are trained by their fathers to be tough and to show as little emotion as possible. Women are emotional. Homosexuality is a grave sin. The Bible mentions to train a child in the word and they won’t depart from it and most parents do exactly that (in their own warped way) until their children are programmed to believe it. If you had no father in your life you are most likely closer to your mother or other females of the family. That doesn’t mean you turn out to be gay but you may become more nurturing, quiet, pretty acting or timid.

    From my personal observations and growing up:

    While I may tell my son not to do not ever like a faggot, his attraction may vary based on certain characteristics he likes in the same sex.

    An interesting note: God created Adam in it’s image. Eve came from the rib of Adam. However, God is said to have no gender (even though most folks still refer to it as male) and angels are said to be androgynous and created by God but are almost always described appearing as men…Go figure.. 🙄

    However, scientifically, it is said all fetuses start out as females until they get the appropriate chromosomes which decide if they will become male…Imagine that…🧐

    Also male seashores give birth…

    Anyways, being nurturing, loving, quiet, pretty or shy.

    These are traditionally feminine traits and confused “Alpha Males” see this as a sign of weakness. They may like you, they may not. You could be that punching bag they need to vent on because they can’t beat up their daddy. Then some may like you but are in conflict with their beliefs and emotions, while you the victim are told that men are supposed to be tough, get dirty, and be the leader of the pack, you don’t put up a front, you still act like yourself, keep to yourself and do not seek to be the widely known Alpha. This pisses them off and makes you an easy target.

    Confused Alphas and Demonic Alphas are two different things but can overlap.

    One is gay/bi and the other is completely straight, both are raised to be homophobic. Some Confused Alphas will mock, ridicule, flirt and may “attempt” to fight you (often playfully) to CONCEAL THEIR SEXUALITY. Their comments can be insulting mixed with compliments.. An indrect way of saying, “I wanna fuck you.” I.e. You shaped like a girl, You gotta ass like a female. “He always trying to be pretty.” “I bet you be getting all the hoes”…. all that other nonsense.

    Demonic Alphas will mock, ridicule, beat you up and even kill you to ELEVATE THEIR STATUS as Alpha. They never playfully flirt. Their intention is to cause you pain because you are an abomination and weak to them. Their words are always insulting.

    When they are younger it might not be that bad.

    The older each gets without help, the worse they get.

    Some Confused Alphas can become the domestic abusers in gay relationships and they can also look down on feminine/transwomen in condescending way and wish they would not exist. They can play with other mens emotions because their own are damaged.

    DONT TRY TO DATE THEM if he shows these signs. Get him some professional help if you really care about him or leave him alone. I’d be nice and at least provide professional recommendations. Most grown men should not catch temper tantrums when you offer to help if you noticed some bad patterns he is doing…if he does get mad and get aggressive, it’s Red Flag #2…

    I posted about a confused alpha on here a long time ago and I LET HIM GO BE FREE from me. I don’t have the time and I’m not letting any man string me alone. I was a victim when I was child…Not as an adult. Adios.

    Same for victims. Get professional help if you keep allowing yourself to get used and end up miserable. You are dealing with YEARS of deep wounds. A Tinder date or two won’t clear it up. Sometimes victims subconsciously go after the type that bullied them, not because they want love but because they want their bullies to accept them as they are. Chasing that image.

    Old wounds run deep…It’s time to heal..

    This is making wonder if this is one reason why some gays like to be ridiculed by straight acting men and called fags, cum dumps or whatever as a fetish..

    Some Demonic Alphas can become murders and use ways to lure their victims or provoke their victims. They intend to hurt you and when you retaliate it gives them even more reason to kill you. They already have it on their mind to hurt you. They usually have weapons with them such as guns, bats, knives etc and are on a mission to honor God’s word!!! They usually are in groups to like an actual pack of wolves. 🙁

    Every single point here leads back and forth into a relationship. The one in the past, the one presently and the one yet to occur. From Daddy to Victim Child to New Lover. It’s a continuous cycle and it is…TOXIC..🤮🤮

    If you need examples of what happens when a bunch of untamed Advanced Demonic Alphas (with probably a few Confused Alphas mixed in) become one unit and evolve into Neanderthal type Pokemon, look at punishment for gay men in Nigeria, Iran, and Afghanistan for extra clarification.

    EVEN IF THEY SUSPECT IT…

    Over and out! 🚀✈️

  6. Right now I’m on the receiving end of this situation and I’m feeling the same way about the guy. With all the guys compassing me, he’s the object of my affections. Some time I fantasize myself raping him and I’m 5’1 and he’s 6’2 200pds of muscle. but I know that he’s not available to my needs so I just respect my feelings and keep it moving. But if we ever became one. He don’t know I’m fatal attraction and I ain’t letting him go. 🤤😜

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