happy father’s day???????
i’ve never really acknowledged father’s day growing up.
it wasn’t a holiday that most of my friends celebrated tbh.
i was also a jehovah’s witness and you know they celebrate nothing.
i’ve celebrated mother’s day more since my mother took on both roles.
she was never a jw and celebrated all holidays.
i think she did it to spite my grandmother lowkey.
after my father and i (kinda) reconnected a couple years ago,
i thought things would be different but…
We have virtually no relationship at all.
i didn’t even update him when i changed my number.
now the old me would call to wish him well.
“old jamari” would be driven into people-pleasing.
i’d reach out to do my part as a son trying to get to know his dad.
the new me is like “fuck him“.
big period.
I’m still not over him switching up on me.
how he lied about accepting me but lowkey didn’t.
“I thought when you told me you were gay that it was a phase.”
“I cried when I hung up the phone after you told me you were gay.”
“I thought the reason we weren’t talking is that you were in a relationship with a vixen.”
that is the shit that made me tear into his ass.
“Someone I know saw you and told me that you were gay.”
WHO TF DO YOU KNOW THAT KNOWS ME OUT HERE?
I DON’T KNOW ANY BAJANS IN NY.
BOSTON,
MAYBE,
BUT THEY DON’T KNOW YOU.
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…sorry,
God is trying to work on me.
my father is still very bitter about how my family treated him.
this is why so many black fathers have generational trauma.
i’m glad i’m breaking those chains.
every fuckin’ conversation we had was about my mother and grandmother.
i get it but holy fuckin’ Christ.
i told him that he never asked me how i was treated growing up.
the abuse and sadness that i dealt with.
he always turns the conversation to his own trauma.
his response:
“You were too young to understand…”
like,
what?
lastly,
and i don’t do passive-aggressive,
but he has become the king of that shit.
“Well if you want to call me to catch up,
you can…”
“If I hear from you…”
muthafucka…
why are you acting like the only victim here?
what is even going on?
ugh.
so yeah…
i’d to be “the good son” today but i don’t want too tbh.
so “happy father’s day” in spirit?
lowkey: i love how the tables turned.
i use to be scared of him as a kid but now…
Dad died two years ago I meant to type.
Visiting his grave and telling him you’re thriving in spite of him may be cathartic. Cuss, boast on yourself. It may be a much-needed release and some form of closure.
Seli♥️👏♥️
Thank you. I hadn’t considered going to the graveyard, but I’m going to do that. Thank you for thinking enough of a stranger and offering encouraging words of comfort. My donor was so pointedly cruel at times. I’m glad I shared my feelings yesterday.🌹
The Pastor where I attended church today is a very eccentric Que 🐶. A graduate from a HBCU in my state. He made me completely forget the lyrics to the song I was to solo on after the sermon. Something about his discussion and describing his lack of love from a absent Father resonated deeply within me. My Dad two years ago without ever touching my hand or saying he loved me, cared for me or said ” kiss my ass” to me.
I want to convince myself it does not matter, but it has mattered. I looked for my Dad’s approval between the legs of numerous men: so his lack of love transformed and still impacts me ..I want to cry, but don’t want to waste the tears.
Thanks for reading.
Khalil, you are all the man that you need.
Anytime you feel “less than”, “emasculated” or that you “didn’t have someone to guide you”…just remember this, everything he never did, you can do for a nephew or youth in your life. If you have children someday, you can make up for what he didn’t.
You have an example of what not to be, so be the man you are and know he will always pale in comparison, because he was simply a sperm donor and when he needs an organ or a handout, you can calmly tell him to kiss yours.