sit cho blockhead ass down nugga
i want this picture framed after ive made it.
hanging right in my townhouse or condo.
in my living room.
every time i look at it,
it will represent the fight of my life.
always winning even if i thought that i lost.
i know the foxhole is always trying to prove ourselves.
its tiring ain’t it?
we put up a good fight tho.
life is funny.
its like we are always fighting.
fighting our circumstances.
some people have it easy.
they don’t even need to step in the ring of life.
they win just off the strength.
others are always sparring.
the funny thing is…
these battles are always leading you to where you need to be.
that was my day today.
i’m going to start a timeline of how shit went down…
when i got to work,
i felt uneasy.
i’ll be honest.
i’ve felt uneasy ever since i bought this new computer.
it was definitely a un-planned purchase.
i didn’t think i would have bought it til spring-ish.
i made sure to set up a nice budget so I can pay it off.
if i can pay 200 every week,
i should be good by the end of february.
btw: my baby has NOT left the apple store to get fixed yet.
just a sidebar.
anyway mr green showed up today.
he only shows up when shit is about to hit the fan.
things have been too calm at work.
that scares me.
i felt this darkness loom over me like he was coming for my head.
i don’t know why.
its not like i’ve done anything wrong.
i am actually a great employee.
its just this job makes me feel insecure.
always on guard.
already ready to fight.
although he came over and spoke to me,
and was real cool,
its not like my boss hasn’t made me out to be “the villain” to him.
he use to email me to say “hello”.
those have since stopped.
i was walking through the building and one of the assistants stopped me.
the youngest one.
she is real cool and has a good word of inspiration for me.
she wanted to know how i was doing.
if any boxing matches have popped off with my name in the headline.
i told her what happened on new years eve and other events.
how today fucked my mind completely up.
“jamari i really wish you could find something better.
they do not deserve you.”
“is it me?
i don’t get why i am being treated like this.”
“listen they’re all miserable down there.
you have this very beautiful aura.
evil people don’t like that so they will try to ruin you.
they want you to become them,
but they see they can’t.
if you were a nasty person,
i would not speak to you the way i do.
i can pick up on energy well and you are an amazing person.”
she was right.
that is that “light” people say i have.
its funny how everyone else can say this about me,
but those people i work with try to ruin my reputation.
that no one comes to me and fact checks.
they pick a side and go on just that.
story of my life.
i left work and stood outside the building.
i had to two options:
go find a nice starbucks in soho,
pull out my computer,
and be amongst the creatives writing
go the fuck home because i was freezing
i chose option b.
although my spirit did want me to find a starbucks tho.
if it wasn’t so brick,
i would have went.
as i was walking to my crib,
i got a call from the wolf who got fired a few months ago.
he called to tell me that he got a new job.
there was a certain confidence in his voice as he spoke.
he continued to tell me how he is now a supervisor at a smaller company.
life has put him in the position liar liar has now.
“bro i struggled for a minute.
they didn’t want to give me unemployment,
but this job literally fell in my lap.
i’m telling you that once you leave that job,
things will get better.”
liar liar thinks this job is the end all and be all.
the mindframe of someone who is stuck.
i want more out of life.
this is a pit stop.
i just don’t want to feel like i have to fight every day.
i keep wondering if maybe,
thats the way it needs to be to keep me wanting more?
i want more.
it will happen regardless if i win or lose this round.