if you aren’t careful,
you will repeat the cycle.
some of us are repeating a cycle.
we are hurting others because we are hurt.
been hurt.
we expect everyone to do what we would do.
i can admit that i’ve have done it with my friends at one point.
that is not how life works.
we are all free to make mistakes and grow.
what may work for you may not work for them.
i learned that tonight watching “fences”…

i don’t want to give too much away,
but “fences” was an excellent film.
it starred denzel washington and viola davis.
two powerhouse actors that i knew would take it to the next level.
the movie was basically about a father who was still hurt from his past mistakes.
even though he provided for his family,
by how he spoke,
he still lived in failure.
he saw the disappointment in one son and didn’t want the other to be like him.
there was a twist that also tied together where his mind was.
i felt many emotions watching that movie.
i can tell you that i cried a lot for viola’s character.
it drained me by the end,
but it was a “must watch”.
if only once.

we all know someone in our life who was denzel’s “father” character,
“troy mason”.
it doesn’t always have to be a “he”.
it’s someone who didn’t get to live their dreams,
so now they are taking it out on everyone.
if you aren’t living the way they would live,
or doing what they “shoulda, woulda, coulda”.
they either become bitter alcoholics or drug addicted assholes.
they are the parent that feels stuck and starts to act out.
sometimes its those who sit on the internet spewing hate.
they take their vitriol out on everyone because they need a punching bag.
sadly,
they were the punching bag to someone they loved or looked up to.

my mother was mine.
the way she spoke to me still travels with me today.
i’m caught in a tornado of fear and anxiety.
if i make a mistake,
i blame myself heavily.
she didn’t make me feel like i could fly.
instead,
she made me feel like my wings didn’t exist.
ironically,
she was treated that way by her mother.
she was abused the same way she did me.
she has me going through life and feeling like an invisible fuck up.
feeling needy and wanting to approval of others like i wanted hers.
it’s a cycle.
i often find myself wondering…

What would life been like if i was raised differently?

i’d probably be successful.
this site probably wouldn’t exist tho.
if it did,
i wouldn’t see you as member of “my foxhole”.
just people who comment.
i wouldn’t be involved in emails and comments.
for that,
it has given me compassion and empathy.
i judge those by their characters and not what they can do for me.
it’s also made me not want to have cubs.
i can see me doing to them what was done to me.
it’s honest.
most importantly,
it has me feeling stagnant and living in depression.
watching that movie scared me a little.
that is who i could become.
i wouldn’t wish that life of torment and demons on anyone.

the movie left me with a lot to think about.
it came at a good time when i’m feeling grounded.
a good movie at the right situation will do that.
i hope everyone else can check it out as well.
i’d love to hear what you thought.

*spoilers may reside in the comment box.