being built (again)

laying on my couch in the dark,
i stare up at the ceiling as the street lights peek through the drapes.
it’s around 2 am and i can’t fall asleep.
my thoughts continuously keep me up at night.
the fears and worries have become my personal freddy kreuger.
the only sound coming from my apartment is the ticking of the clock.
it sounds like a bomb almost.

Tick.
Tick.
Tick.

mentally and emotionally,
thats how i’ve been feeling.
i have been waiting for the big explosion.
it feels like i’ve fallen off from myself and my life…

Money is funny and I ain’t been laughing.
The wolf of my dreams hasn’t been posted on social media in a while.
The wolf of my new nightmares has been bragging about his new relationship on social media.
People I thought were friends and supporters have vanished.
Everyone looks like they’re winning and I have nothing to show for myself.
It’s been two years since the pandemic and I’m still #inside

it feels like this dark living room but hope is peaking through.
i still believe things can turn around.

Being Built (Again)

so i sit up,
open my laptop,
and close down the reddit thread about manifesting the life i want.
i start to write this:

Everyone falls off.
It’s what you do after you fall.

i’ve fallen off and been laying down for some time.
i’ve allowed myself to get trampled over by demons and life.
so this is the first episode of my life.
they say we are the creators of the life we want.
“faith without work is dead”.
the first step to change is admitting the truth:

“I fell off and allowed myself to stay there.
I let people and situations keep me on the ground.”

i close my laptop and proceed to lay back down.
instead of continuing to look up at the ceiling,
i chose to close my eyes and go to bed.
reset.
back to basics.
it’s me again.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

2 thoughts on “being built (again)”

  1. Jamari
    I feel what you mean. I am watching porn again and phone sexing on chat lines like I used to do too much of-AGAIN. 420ing-:AGAIN.
    I just want NORMAL BACK.

  2. Brother it’s not just you. I have been constantly beating myself up because I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be in life based on the goals I had. It’s hard for me to get motivated in certain areas.

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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