am i forgettable?

i learned something today.
at my last job,
i thought i had found life long friends there.
this was the first job i felt connected to so many folks.
black folks.
creative black folks.
after i was let go,
many promised to still be there but as the months went on,
i noticed that started to change.
folks that once would hit me up every day suddenly stopped.
it made me question what happened?
did i do something wrong?
a co-worker/friend hit me up to check in on me.
i disabled my personal social media and i noticed that no one,
besides my current circle,
checked in on me until now.
i asked her if i did something wrong to incite such distance.
she said…

all this time,
i thought i was actually close to those folks,
i might have been a stand-in.
a moment.
was all the after-work events,
private group chats,

the celebrations,
and the “no one is/was like you” meant nothing?
here i am,
allowing them to live rent-free in my head and i been ejected from theirs.
it seems i learned where i stood with countless people this year too.
all just wow.

what i learned is that:

a) that made me feel even more lonely than how i was feeling.

b) even tho i was active on my personal account,
it still really meant nothing.

c) i might be forgettable.

i’m always someone who comes in to save the day,
but i’m never remembered once i’m gone.
even though it was a job,
it felt different.
it makes me feel like people use me and throw me away like trash.
same with wolves.
they pursue and make me feel like i have their full interest,
but in reality,
it turns out that i didn’t mean much to them once i’m not there.

So where do I stand in this world?
Do I mean anything?

this year i have felt so “replaced” that the silence has been loud.
i guess it’s good to know where i stand.
i’m striving to make it very far in my career.
i don’t want to ever feel forgettable ever again.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

12 thoughts on “am i forgettable?”

  1. Hi Jamari,

    I think the people you work with were not who you thought they were. I don’t think you are forgettable, but maybe out of sight, out of mind like your friend was saying.

  2. With work people especially, I always say to not take it personally if they don’t hit you up after you leave. The close people in your life like friends and family are all that really matters. You shouldn’t feel to need that validation of being checked on by someone else to feel loved/ alive. If you don’t don’t love yourself first, how do you expect someone else to?

    1. ^ i think my issue is i got too needy and was seeking validation from outside sources.
      when i worked with them,
      it felt like a family because we were all relating on the abuse we were facing there.
      once i left out the abuse,
      i don’t have anything to relate with them with.
      during this pandemic,
      i’ve felt really needy and wanting to be loved.
      i get that from my friends and family,
      but deep down inside,
      i thought they were my friends too.

      bad enough,
      i was dealing with something similar in my gaming group.
      it all kinda came to a crashing halt and i realized i was ejected a while ago.

  3. You should’ve posted that pic of you & Beyonce captioned “Decided to treat my long time friend to a Five Guys Burgers & Fries.”

    Bet them motherfuckers would’ve remembered you then.

  4. This is real though. I’ve definitely experienced that before and it taught me to really value my circle above all else. Though that has made me a bit more guarded and not the friendliest person it allows me to protect my heart more.

  5. Everybody is forgettable. Let’s put that out there. People remember you for what you do for them. When you not doing those things, they easily tend to forget you more and more. When you value time with someone, you don’t care about the things they do for you but what type of person they are when you met them. That’s the difference in people most of us don’t look for, the value in them. I have been on jobs where I have said less to them but I helped them out in more ways than some of their friends and they value that. Some friends will agree with you just for entertainment purposes. Whether they secretly laughing at you on the inside or laughing behind your back. They keep that drama up because it’s entertaining to them. Not all people are like that, some are just drawn to drama. As a Scorpio, I’m real quiet and observant of who I am around. After I get my own observation, I treat you different than what somebody said you are not but inside I’m watching to see if that side comes out.

    You can’t value your life on what people think of you. Like the foxhole, you got people on here calling you hypercritical and wish washy. Yet let you post something xrated and they all over it drooling or secretly dreaming about what they will do in their PePe Le Pew way. Its called being human. You can’t trust a human. Co Workers, completely different. You just somebody I see at work. If you make me laugh, we hang out, that’s just my entertainment while I’m at work to make the time go by until I clock out. If these people have seen your worst and best outside of work and still continue to treat you the same, those are the friends you need. Them type of friends regardless if you get off social media, they will be calling you, stopping by, forcing you to get out that funk. It doesn’t matter what you go through real friends are family and they are not going to fade away. Even if we are mad at each other, somebody knocking on somebody door. It’s probably best they are not in your life because sometimes you need to let some of that negative energy go. What you thought was somebody who genuinely cared about you was probably somebody doing something for you to talk about you.

    Your last job, its time to let that go J. You been gone from that job long enough to move on. If you still have some type of reserved feelings about the people there, think about how many times the ones who have not talked to you since you left reached out to you. Take that same energy and move on from them. Cut your lost and let it go because truth be told, they may be looking at this now reading it talking about you. You giving them entertainment and you are more than that.

    1. ^i needed to read this abd have no argument or debate.
      jamari fox got caught up in outside validation from many aspects in my life,
      including old jobs and my gaming group.
      the pandemic made things worst for me because i became super needy and wanted validation from the wrong sources.
      i’ve felt really lonely and truth be told,
      if this pandemic wasn’t a thing,
      i’d probably be doing more with new people.

      i don’t care if folks talk about me tbh.
      i’ve been talked about my entire life for simply showing up.
      being called a sissy or soft by just entering a room.
      i write on a blog where i can write about whatever and be laughed at/talked about.
      everyone else wants to be and look perfect.
      i’m showing that i felt a certain kind of way and i decided to write about it.

      but you are right in many aspects and i’m grateful you shared this with me.

  6. Bad Boyz shared a lot of what I was going to say. Especially with work, don’t let that rattle you. People may remember you, but they got their own ish going on, so you don’t rank high enough to bother with. Nothing personal, it’s human nature. I’ve been furloughed and no one from my company has reached out to me to even check on me, and I feel/felt some kinda way. However, I know now that I may place a little more on people than they do and keep it moving. I’ll find another job, and move on. And again, many people are self-centered and selfish – you can’t let them define how you feel about yourself.

    You have bigger goals and aspirations than that place – focus on that now.

    1. ^ growing up,
      my need for acceptance definitely stemmed from the abuse i faced.
      its been a constant struggle moving past those deep-rooted issues.
      if the pandemic didn’t happen,
      i would have been at a new gig meeting new people.
      this whole experience has been a shit show and its only gonna get worse.

      i’m glad i can write these things because they help produce answers to problems.
      many people struggle with acceptance,
      whether it is on social media,
      and with family.
      its all the same shit in a different toilet.
      mine so happened to be a bunch of shit all at once.

      1. No doubt, I’m glad you have the outlet to get it out, to help yourself (mainly) and others; just also encouraging you that you’re good all by yourself. It’s their loss.

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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