you are never going to accept me so i surrender

I tried to be kind.
Didn’t work.
I tried to be a friend.
Didn’t work.
I tried to be straight.
Didn’t work.
I tried to be gay.
Didn’t work.
I will always be a fox trapped in a cage.

 i learned very early that i will always be “a problem“.
i will always be picked apart and told to be like others to succeed.
others get to speak up for themselves but when i do it:

i was taught that i am the issue.
if i was just like all the other boys,
i’d be better.
i’d get to live a great life.
i would get all the likes and the comments.
i would be invited first.
i wouldn’t get talked about behind my back ever.
so what did i do?..

I locked my inner little cub in a cage and set out to be like everyone else.

..but the topic of my sexuality was always in the forefront.
people that were my “friends” would come to me with the dreaded:

“Such and such thinks you are gay.”
“They were talking behind your back and saying you were gay.”
“They don’t like you because they think you are gay.”

that would hurt me to no end because i tried so hard to hide it.
so i tried to hide it harder and no sale.

“He walks gay.”
“He talks like a girl.”
“He gay!”

those sentences use to hit me like daggers.
i’d cry asking why did God make me this way?
even if i was nice to these folks,
went out of my way to help with whatever issue,
or simply just existing in their orbit

I was always thrown under the bus.

it was the reason i never got a chance to experience my true power.
i locked al these things away because it shined too bright.
i learned that even in pretending,
i truly would never be accepted.
i’m not gay enough and not straight enough.

Jamari Fox will never be like the others.

…because i locked away my little fox who just wanted to be loved.
i thought love came from something entirely different.
i don’t think i have truly ever felt love due to the bars on my cage.
that bad part?

There were a ton of wolves who wanted to love me but they were scared of themselves too.

so were all doing the same thing.
they were bolder than i was.
as i have grown up,
i’m losing my desire to try to be whatever anymore.

i’m never going to fit in,
am i?

3 thoughts on “you are never going to accept me so i surrender

  1. Man! We share similar stories. You’re never going to fit in. You said it yourself. “…… it shined too bright.” You shine brightly. Let that light burn bright. I see a little bit of that light here in the Foxhole everytime I visit. The light that shines brightly brought me to the Foxhole and I’ve been a fan for years now. You’re not suppose to fit in. You don’t fit in when you’re a voice for others to relate to. You don’t fit in when you’re making a different in other’s lives. I can only speak for me when I say, your writing and brilliance on the Foxhole gives me hope, joy, sadness, love, appreciate. It makes me smile and laugh. It makes me want to be more like you. I hide my light away too. I tell myself this.. “Don’t try to fit in with them.” Jamari, we’re not suppose to. You’re not suppose to. Not fitting in is your superpower to grab the attention of guys like me. I feel like I fit in here with you. You created the safe space. This is were you fit in. This is were I fit in. We still have some growth to accept the fact we are the changers and shakers so we’re not going to fit in everywhere. But there will be people that come alone that will accept our quirky brilliance. I love the Foxhole. Thank you for creating this space. 💪🏿🥰

  2. Why do you want to fit in? The problem here is not being truthful to yourself and others. Be yourself. Be a proud gay man.

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