why aren’t you being honest?

i was fonting with one of my dear best friends today in texts.
she asked me:

that question always made me nervous.
i got caught up in trying to impress her.
i always saw her as having it together but i am always a mess.
so i always wanted to look like i was doing something even if i wasn’t.
i was always full of excuses because i would do that when i was younger.
so my answer to her question…

that felt so freeing.
being honest felt so good tbh.
i have been living my life in survival mode.
i wore a mask to look together because blending in is safer.

It is okay to not be okay.
It is okay to not be together.
It is okay to not have your life together.
It is okay to be a hot mess.
It is okay to not know what or where you are going in life.
It’s okay to be honest about that.

a few months ago,
one of my foxholers and i were having a chat in dms.
we were talking about an attentionisto who was flexin’ on socials.
he said:

…and that spoke to me.

Why aren’t we more fuckin’ honest about your lives?

right now,
my life is very still.
i’m working on me and steadily getting back on my feet.
i have been depressed and unmotivated for quite some time.
it has been one thing after the next these last 2 years.


suicidal thoughts,
and loss.
things happened that made me go hide under the bed.
i’m finally feeling a sense of happiness and purpose again.

thats the honest truth.

lowkey: how many people have died trying to hide their truth?
let’s not let that be us.

3 thoughts on “why aren’t you being honest?

  1. I hope this isn’t completely off topic Jamari, but are you planning to write and give your opinion on all of this social media turmoil around dating relationships especially in the Black community from Tyler Perry’s advice, Tia Mowry, the fallout on T.G.I.F with Dr. Heavenly vs. Al Reynolds, Eboni K. Williams etc. just so much. I would love to read your take. I only bring it up because I thing its all rooted in your main point which is dishonesty. Everyone is faking it until they make and no one is willing to present their true and authentic self.

  2. Praying for the foxhole! If you know my social media handle then please follow me so we can inspire and motivate each other. Not even trying to be that person but the depression within the black gay community is rampant and crazy that we really got to do a better job of supporting each other.

    Jamari, as a long time reader and member of the Foxhole… I’m quite astounded that you have been able to survive in the city for as long as you have with the inconsistencies of work. You should do an entry on how you hustle to get by, that could inspire other foxes to live in the Big Apple.

  3. Jamari
    I do not want to even tell people or even admit to myself how I am really feeling inside sometimes. Because then questions about trusting and believing God, or it’s the enemy making you feel this way, or you’ve got to have faith, you have got to prayer more come up. That’s what I am honestly thinking about today. And the other honest thing is, I know it will get better, but when? How soon?

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