Why are you with her?

you look like you’d be happier with another male.
your pictures with other males,
compared to the ones you take with her,
are always night and day.
in some cases,
you look like you are single.
every time you take a picture with her tho,
it looks like you are being held at gunpoint.
the misery on your face can’t be ignored.
i mean,
she looks thrilled in each photo.
in some cases,
they know the truth but they’re just happy to have a man.
i was once like you,
ya know…

i dealt with vixens at one point in my life.
yes,
i dated vixens before.
don’t give me that look.
the last vixen i dealt with sealed the deal for me.
she was reallllllllly into me.
i mean,
why wouldn’t she?
i was the perfect gentleman.
we would talk on the phone for hours but it wasn’t until our date.
i had built up all this hype about what we were gonna do on that date.
it went well but when we kissed…

I didn’t feel a spark at all. 

…but apparently to her,
it was the best kiss she ever had.
she told all our mutual friends this.
i had to be a good actor.

Anyway,
I dumped her shortly after that.

i made the excuse about her acne or something.
she was devastated and it was cruel to do it the way i did.
  the truth was:

I was in love with another male.

i only went agreed to date her because he was dating vixens.
people were already loudly whispering about me so i panicked.
i would only have been with her to keep people from talking.
there would always be a wall there that she couldn’t penetrate.
my heart just wasn’t in it.

I just did it cause it was what I was “supposed” to do.

from church,
family,
and people around me,
i was supposed to be with the opposite sex.
add on the “trying to prove people wrong” about their loud whispers.
it provided tremendous insecurities i had about being gay so i get it.

I get you.

…but you aren’t happy and it shows.
if i can pick it up,
everyone else is too.
you would rather be anywhere else,
or be with someone else,
than with her.
no baecation,
honeymoon phases,
marriage,
or even having kids will change how you really feel.
it probably will make you even more miserable tbh.

So why are you trying to be everything but happy?

it could all be so easy and i know it’s very scary.
it’s very scary to start living your truth.
no one has to know you are dating another male.
you can be as discreet and as private as you want to be.
this is your life and your narrative to control.
don’t sacrifice your happiness while potentially ruining hers.
don’t be the guy to be with her while secretly fulfilling your true desires.
that isn’t fair to all parties involved and trust me,
you’ll end up being sloppy and creating more of a mess.

So think about it…

…and ask yourself why are you with her.