my job is absolute bullshit.
it has gotten to be a circus of confusion.
i’m starting to see my bosses aren’t smart,
like even a little bit.
i’m just riding the wave tho.
they ain’t about to stress me out with their nonsense.
so i thought i would write a:

THINGS I LEARNED IN CORPORATE AMERICA

i don’t know if i ever did,
but it might be time for a refresher…

1) your boss is probably an idiot.
i know.
almost all of mine have been stupid too.
more than likely,
they got their job by kissing a ton of tail.
that’s the problem.
they have a degree in “ass kissing”,
but don’t have the actual skills to run a department.
so they fuck all kinds of shit up just to get a check.
lucky you.

2) you were happy af in your last role.
you had no complaints.
they decided to switch you with this “you’ll like it” attitude.
that is keyword for: “you gon do it or massah will fire yo ass”.
so you now work in a department you absolutely dread.
your work load is awful,
the new culture is the pits,
and your new colleagues were sent by satan.

3) there was always a clique in every department.
some go on to being friends for life.
the rest are all two faced snakes who eventually turn on each other.
you’ll always hear a story of how “i use to be friends with our current boss”.
yeah.
they started off as friends and someone got the promotion over the other.
now they’re both arch nemesis who can’t wait to destroy each other.

4) a majority will smile in your face in the office,
but the moment you see them out in the forests,
they will act like they don’t know you.
you could have just talked to them in the office too.
the ra(coons) are the worst for this.
listen,
folks are fake af in corporate.
they only talk to you because they have too.
some are only tolerating you from the hours of 8 – 6pm.

5) white.
black.
latin.
asian.
indian.
other.
no race is higher on the list of “fuckin you over in the office”.
i’ve gotten thrown under the bus by a couple blacks,
as much as i’ve gotten the same treatment from a majority of whites.
i have connected with more blacks/latinos from corporate than the whites tho.

6) “you know how much shit i have to deal with at work?
i have to suck it up for my check.”

words from a doormat.
make sure it goes in one ear and out the other.
folks like that are the ones who stay at a job,
for close to 35+ years,
and become bitter and stressed out.
sure,
they are getting benefits,
but they’re personality is to bend over on command.

7) you gotta nip disrespect in the bud early.
if you don’t,
your colleagues will disrespect you.
it isn’t abut flying off the handle either.
it’s about speaking in a calm manner,
making sure you know what you’re talking about,
having receipts on deck,
and using that “snow bunny shade” to your advantage.
no shade in the office is better than the snow bunny shade.
they don’t understand any other language than that.

8) if your spirit is telling you the end is near,
it’s probably true.
folks start acting different when they know you are about to get the boot.
remember: some of these folks are snitches to your boss.
your boss is probably feeding them the spoilers on your demise early.
start looking for a new job so you can flick that middle finger.

“nah nah nah nah nah…
i left before you could can me.
bitch”.

9) folks will be shocked you are leaving and their mouth will drop in front of you.
“omg we have to keep in touch!” they say.
i’m here to tell you,
95% will never call to check in on you.
some will unfollow you off social media once the novelty wears off.
they were being pleasant af.
now that you’re not in their face anymore,
they will not know you outside of the company.
folks be fake in corporate.

10) most males in corporate are actually betas.
they try to act like alphas,
but that true beta is hiding underneath that fur.
they know when and who to emotionally bend over for.
that dick/pussy WILL get the emotional sucking it needs!
i think most ceos and vps are alphas tho.
they moved different to get to where they needed to be.
either the alpha owns the company or he is on some “one of the best to work for”.
this goes to vixens too.
the beta is usually some minion trying to look and feel important.
you already know who i’m talking about at your job.

11) you are disposable in corporate america.
you could be the best worker,
but if your boss hates you,
they will set you up to be fired.
you aren’t doing anything special another can and won’t do.
when you understand this,
you’ll won’t get a fuck.
those are actually the ones who get farther.

12) fuckin’ your co workers is a bad idea.
fuckin your superior is even worst.
it’s a small chance you’ll get a corner office for fuckin’ a vp.
it might get your tail out the door tho.
worst,
if your co workers find out,
that you getting special privileges for suckin some dick,
they’ll resent you and plot your downfall EASY.
i’ve never really seen anything positive by fuckin anyone at work.
usually,
it’s just sex anyway.
you would have to be real low key about it,
but it always comes out during the break up.
even the dl can get exposed fuckin’ the wrong one.
once you leave tho,
you can FINALLY bang tf out of who you want.
you’ll be gone so you won’t be eating anywhere near your shit.

13) sometimes,
you’ll meet someone who is like an angel sent on earth.
they’ll fight for you,
feed you important information,
lead you to the right direction,
and keep you out of trouble.
it’s even better when they have power.
always align yourself with those who are powerful.
don’t be scared to make them flex their power either.
they will straight up have their foot on your boss neck for fuckin with you.
they will be your biggest ally in corporate.

14) happy hour = a vent session under the influence.
this is where the most secrets are spilled.
truth be told,
i only do after work outings with a select few.
that shit can get real messy and be the talk the next day/monday morning.
if you do go,
stay for 15 minutes and bounce.
have one drink and go.
folks will get straight up press you about your sexuality off liquid courage.

15) folks are cool in passing,
but as soon as you gotta work with them,
you see what everyone may have been talking about.
i’ve seen folks running to the bathroom in tears by someone i see that is “cool from a distance”.

16) in corporate,
it’s best to always be kind to folks.
speak to everyone,
from the lowest to the highest.
when you see an opening somewhere else,
get your tail in there.
be cool with your co workers,
but keep them at an arms length.
that whole “we are a family” nonsense is bullshit.
family will betray you faster than your friends.
it is a job and those are folks you don’t know.
feel everyone out before you let them in.
otherwise,
corporate is a game of chess and survival.

17) there really is no prize working in corporate.
sure,
the pay can be cool,
but it’s like a real life slave ship.
it can be home to a lot of “us” in the sunken place.
some would sell their whole mama out for approval in that place.
the whites strive and the blacks/minorities fight to survive.
if there are no blacks in higher positions at your corporate gig,
it’s pretty much telling you all you need to know.

18) you can spend years cliquing up,
kissing tail,
staying long hours,
laughing hard at terrible jokes,
and being a snitch in hopes of getting that higher position…
only for it to be given to someone who did absolutely nothing,
walked in the door yesterday,
being white and available,
or some family member who has no qualifications.
and for that i say:

——

i’m sure i have more,
but that is what i could recall today.
if you have anything to share,
please put it in the comments below.
i like to learn new shit.