life

This Goes Out To You! Yeah YOU!

sit lets have a talk.
one on one…
so you would be surprised who reads my site.
i have a ton of lurkers from all walks of life.
i have some industry lurkers who also check me out.
i feel this should go out to them,
especially after that kevin terry debacle that happened today.
this is for ANYONE already in the public eye,
pursuing a career in the public eye,
or simply have a lot to lose in life.
pay attention…
Continue reading “This Goes Out To You! Yeah YOU!” →

Was Diddy Playing “Take Dat, Take Dat” With The Kids?

does diddy have secrets?
does he require a below age limit with potential jumps?
well he may according to music manager jimmy henchmen,
who is currently facing life for selling serious amounts of coke.
the feds decided to quiz him on who in the industry has a pedo van on sesame street.
diddy’s name was also brought up and well…

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f0xmail: Am I The Big Bad Wolf For Being In A lot of Foxhole?

FOXMAIL

Hey Jamari. Hope all is well. I figure I try this receiving advice thing out. You always have something insightful to say. Would like to get you opinion on this. So here goes:

How did I Turn into the enemy?

I’m a wolf. D.L or discreet wolf if you give me a label. In plain terms a bisexual male. After conversing with a very close friend, something unsettling came up. My friend is an openly homosexual male. Having one of our ever so often “real” conversations he called me “the enemy”, a “guys guy”. My look of confusion must have invoked a explanation. He explain to me that I am the guy that “wants my cake and eat it too”. My friend explained I say I want commitment but do not really want it, end up in different beds “looking” for it and breaks hearts while I look for someone I know is a “dream”. I knew his statement came from a honest place so I did not take offense. This is honestly a very close friend. One of the very few who know the lifestyle I live. I just laughed it off. I denied his accusation and we moved on but it caused me to really reflect.

Am I now the enemy?

I remember when I decided I was going to be honestly with myself at 21 yrs old . I was bisexual and no matter how much I denied it would not not go away. It was not just a phase. And suppressing it was making the urges stronger and me go silently insane. So I decided I owe myself the chance. I told myself that “I rather have one person of substance than many of no value” living this lifestyle change. I wanted one fox or hybrid and just enjoy it, give my best. I said I would not have pointless sex or many partners. I would be as honest with them (as I can be). Not play games. Just give it my all and would not settle. I will just concentrate on that one . I will be in search for that one.

Needless to say I have drifted from my goal. My friend’s statement made me realize something I saw but tried to deny. I’m 23 at the moment and still “in search”. I have done everything I did not want to do. I settled, body count on the raise, pointless sex, meaningless interactions, “talking” to more than one, being honest but withholding information (still lying), playing the game before I get played and now unsure if I want “that one”.

How did this happen?
How did I become the dudes that did me wrong in this process?
The irony.
Am I the only one this happen to?
Is there any turning back?

MY ANSWER…

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Minding My Business (Long Distance)

today was a day.
it was pretty eventful to say the least.
it felt like a climb up a very large mountain.
one of many i have climbed recently.
after i wrote the two entries earlier,
i got my clothes together and left the crib.
it was hotter than i expected so i was covered in sweat.
i couldn’t stop sweating.
i was on the train probably looking greasy as hell.
i had an appointment with my new business manager.
yes.
the fox is in business.
well trying to be…
Continue reading “Minding My Business (Long Distance)” →

In The Picture Perfect World, Even The Shit Smells Like Roses

what does this picture mean to you?
everyone will have a different meaning.
art is meant to have your own perception.
this is how i took it….

Continue reading “In The Picture Perfect World, Even The Shit Smells Like Roses” →

f0xmail: This Is One Of Your Favorite Readers Right Now.

Jamari,

I just saw your most recent post and had to share what I’ve been up to lately. Sooo much has transpired that I’d be blogging for years, but I’ll skip to the good nuggets.

Through some random chain of events, I ended up in a committed situation and I realized I wasn’t ready. I guess I wasn’t as into him as I should’ve been either,but I just wasn’t ready to put the time and effort in. I have so much on my plate as far as successfully changing career fields and finding a better living situation and just taking my life to the next level altogether. I felt overwhelmed and trapped almost immediately. Luckily, I think dude fell in love with his perception of me rather than who I actually was.

I found myself in this vicious cycle where I’d be into dudes who weren’t even half as interested in me and I found myself being their entertainment. I realize now it was because I wasn’t living up to my potential and getting my own plans in motion. I was too accessible. Too eager.

I’m currently back in school with plans of entering an accelerated program that can have me in my new career field in a little over a year and I refuse to let a single dude distract me from accomplishing this. I am not concerned about meeting anyone until after I move into my spacious loft overlooking my city with a job I love around the block.

I feel a great sense of renewal not always yearning for someone to complete me or somehow make my life a million times better. I can say that in all honesty, rather than as a defense mechanism to hide some deep sense of loneliness.

Today, I decided to hit the grocery store after work and I happen to see an two extremely good looking dudes I went to college with that became a couple recently. Both tall, brown skinned, with nice smiles. I glanced at them for a minute and I felt…nothing. No tinge of envy, no questions “Why isn’t that me?”, and no sense of inadequacy. I’ve evolved from that. I know my main focus is myself at the moment and If I choose to have what they have in the future, I can do that if it’s for me.