I just saw your most recent post and had to share what I’ve been up to lately. Sooo much has transpired that I’d be blogging for years, but I’ll skip to the good nuggets.
Through some random chain of events, I ended up in a committed situation and I realized I wasn’t ready. I guess I wasn’t as into him as I should’ve been either,but I just wasn’t ready to put the time and effort in. I have so much on my plate as far as successfully changing career fields and finding a better living situation and just taking my life to the next level altogether. I felt overwhelmed and trapped almost immediately. Luckily, I think dude fell in love with his perception of me rather than who I actually was.
I found myself in this vicious cycle where I’d be into dudes who weren’t even half as interested in me and I found myself being their entertainment. I realize now it was because I wasn’t living up to my potential and getting my own plans in motion. I was too accessible. Too eager.
I’m currently back in school with plans of entering an accelerated program that can have me in my new career field in a little over a year and I refuse to let a single dude distract me from accomplishing this. I am not concerned about meeting anyone until after I move into my spacious loft overlooking my city with a job I love around the block.
I feel a great sense of renewal not always yearning for someone to complete me or somehow make my life a million times better. I can say that in all honesty, rather than as a defense mechanism to hide some deep sense of loneliness.
Today, I decided to hit the grocery store after work and I happen to see an two extremely good looking dudes I went to college with that became a couple recently. Both tall, brown skinned, with nice smiles. I glanced at them for a minute and I felt…nothing. No tinge of envy, no questions “Why isn’t that me?”, and no sense of inadequacy. I’ve evolved from that. I know my main focus is myself at the moment and If I choose to have what they have in the future, I can do that if it’s for me.