yesterday…
i found out of of me (ex) home vixens turned she-hyena has been betraying me.
she has been talking shit about me,
secretly outing me,
telling my business,
and a whole other bunch of foul shit to their friends.
animals i don’t or barely know.
i got it all in a text message from someone i barely know.
the words…
“they aren’t comfortable with your sexuality”
…well,
that felt like a slap in the face.
i don’t walk around here throwing my life in animal’s faces.
i am very low key,
but the fact someone only tolerated me…
someone that i thought was my friend i shared that with…
it has left me numb.
i wasn’t numb enough to curse her the fuck out tho.
it doesn’t help i was good to this hyena either.
i recently helped her with her resume,
was a shoulder with her ain’t shit wolf,
and listened to her cry about her past.
this is the thanks i get?
i should have known better tho.
it wasn’t like she was the most loyal to the same animals in her life.
i guess my issue is i always feel i would be different.
my bad.
she admitted to what she did.
well first she tried to lie
but i always have receipts on standby.
she had no choice but to admit defeat.
i feel like i’m made of stone today.
i have no appetite or the energy to do anything.
i feel like my heart has been ripped out my chest yet again.
funny enough,
i can’t seem to cry.
this all played out like the last situation.
that one still has me broken.
that one has me watching him meet new straight wolves and moving on.
he has me feeling like i was nothing in that year we knew each other.
was he just tolerating me because of my sexuality?
i had to ask myself this after yesterday.
they both left my life like cowards when i was always upfront.
you know it never gets better as we age?
getting backstabbed and being betrayed.
i don’t know if i want to let anyone else in my life anymore.
i know that goes against who i am because i love meeting new animals.
i’m starting to question if i’m an easy target?
do people really care about me?
or are they just tolerating me to use me?
i work in hell,
i come home to hell,
and now i feel like hell in between.
2016…
what is really going on?
are you trying to destroy and make me crazy?
lowkey: am i just here for people to hurt and leave me?
only to come back when they see no one else is like me?
it never fails.
left did it and we became tighter friends…
but it gets very draining.
i’m fed up.
One rule of thumb my mom tells me that I always go by is: Don’t trust people who want to be friends with you immediately or too quickly. It’s almost never a good sign. If they’re quick to call you a friend after just meeting them, chuck ’em to the door. It’s a major red flag.
Girl Power vs Faggotry – Civil War
I am so sorry to hear this Jamari, I know this could not have happened at a worst time. These people who are in your life are just trifling and its hurts me to know that you’re going through this.
I want a WIN for you to happen soon so this nonsense can disappear. If you want to be down about it do it and let it out but try not to let this situation make you bitter and cynical. All of these asshole want to do is dim your light and you can’t let that happen.
I’m praying for you , J.
Yeah I have major trust issues. I remember being back-stabbed by some “friends” in high school and it made me socially anxious and avoided people in general after that. In retrospect it really fucked me up mentally and the result on how I deal with people. These dudes were lowkey hating on me since we first met but they always smiled in my face. When I look back, it honestly looked like jealousy and I always showed a blind eye to it because when you’re in school all you want is to be accepted. Nobody wants to be that loner eating lunch alone.
But ever since graduating, I’ve always kept people in general at arms length. I may smile, have a conversation with you when I see you but that’s it. My true best friend is my brother. It’s nice to know that somebody loves/cares about you without actually trying to use you for their own personal gain. And unfortunately not everybody can say that for their family members but I’m grateful for mines. It sucks that I can’t really trust people but I honestly don’t have faith in human beings.. One of my biggest fears is that if I lose all of my family (parents & brothers) then I’ll have nobody. And I don’t want to end up jaded & lonely like many older gay men.
Stay strong J. Remember, co-workers are NEVER your friends. These are just people who HAVE to put up with you for several hours of the day, so don’t fall for the bull. I remember back when I used to work regular jobs I would always laugh & smile with folks at work but once the day-shift was over, bye bitch! Don’t speak to me outside of work! I don’t know if that has to do with me being an introvert where we prefer our own company but I never spoke with colleagues outside of work so I never trusted them enough to place any of them on a pedestal where I gave them a title. You’re just a person who works in the same place as me so I don’t expect much from you. I guess because she shared her info with you it led you on, which is completely understandable. All I’m saying is don’t place any expectations on these type of people, especially if they’re doing nothing for you.
Fuck her. Fuck all of them. What they wrote reflects what horrible people THEY ARE. Now stop hanging with dogs so ypu will stop catching fleas. And be glad they showed their true colors so you can stop wasting time wading in their shit.
If anyone met me in person, they would be able to tell right off the bat I’m not into that friendly shit.
At this point in my life, if I don’t feel comfortable asking for favors, if you wouldn’t take care of me if I’m sick, or to borrow some money rarely, we don’t need to be friends.
I’m not into that “we’re cool because we’re in close proximity” convenient type pseudo-friendship that’s become too common these days.
Gay men CANNOT be friends with any old vixen. Takes a woman of a certain quality and confidence level to be a REAL friend to a gay man.
What I see more often than not, are women using gay men to fill an emotional void, while the man gets nothing out of the friendship. Meanwhile she’s not “comfortable about your sexuality” and wouldn’t trust you around her kids or her boyfriend/husband, but she’ll let you do her hair or pick out her outfits or upgrade her in some way.
As offensive as it may sound, gay men, bisexual men, DL men, ANY MAN that can, will, has gotten down with another man is not deep, solid friendship material to me. If they’re attracted to you, they’ll always be trying to get you to fuck or lose interest and move on once they realize you’re not going to concede and have sex with them whenever they want. If they’re not attracted to you or you’re not sexually compatible, they will ALWAYS have one foot out of the door or you’ll always be second place to some dick or ass. Then you have the ones that want to use you for affection and attention whenever they want it because they can’t find a relationship.
I’m glad I started consciously preparing to be alone years ago. I’m not bitter or mean upon contact, but you won’t penetrate anything past the general polite conversation with me, nothing deeper.
Always love to hear your perspective. So RAW and real! It is like you are me. My thought processes and all.
For so long I idealized those pics on Instagram of good looking, well to do men who seemed to get along and be best friends.
It does not exist! These groups of “friends” will turn on each other in a heartbeat.
@Jay – speak on it brother! I concur! Everything in your post is what I’ve had to deal with in the past year. 1. Pushed away from a (white) female friend because I felt like I was being used for my advice and other skills. 2. Pushed away from a male best friend who I discovered was low key jealous of me after I made six figures in salary for the first time. (that hurt the most).
3. And like you, I’ve already discovered the joy of being WITH myself. Not ALONE but “with myself.” I saw the Batman V Superman movie alone because gay dudes don’t want to hang unless we’re getting naked 8 minutes after shaking hands 😆. I guess I’ll be seeing Captain America: Civil War solo as well.
I’m going to see Captain America alone this week.
I’ve tried in the past with people, but I just don’t need that negative, desperate, energy in my space. I’m all about maintaining my own sanity.
the hurtful part is that these same people will choose others over me.
if i do something slight,
it is the end of the world.
these others do nasty things to them and it’s over looked.
they are okay with it.
i do something and it’s the end of the world and i get shitted on.
that is the part that really hurts me the most.
every one of these situations is always a misunderstanding that leads to a betrayal.
yet…
they have jackals all around them and its okay.
If it’s that easy to do away with you, when there have been others that do stuff and get away with it. It’s because they were never real to begin with, they never took you serious. They are just some miserable motherfuckas. And misery loves company, if they respected you, they would’ve showed you.
Don’t regress or give anyone the power to make u regress. You stopped reading the book didn’t you? When God shows you who people really are, believe him and them. This is showing you who are the b negative people in your life that you need to get rid of. Some of these people have been holding you back because of their backstabbing and why you keep being drawn into negative situations. They infiltrated your fortress but you now the enemies are being revealed so you can cut thsee people off
^i read the last chapter today!
i’m going to post tomorrow.
this last 2 weeks has been hell.
you are right about god showing who is real.
the lessons are tough this go round.
i guess its to really make it sink.
i can say all this,
but i refuse to change who i am.
i am a great friend and it’s sad others can’t see that.
Say to them and God. “Thank you for showing me who they really are so you like can cut off the dead weight””then you keep living your life. For people like this make a list of what they add to your life and the things to take away from your life. If the subtractions are more than the additions…your are overdrawn and it’d type to close that account and invest where you gain more than you lose
^that sounds like a good idea.
i knew the she-hyena longer,
but off my memory,
she was pretty balanced.
that last situation turned out to be a mess.
They see it, they just don’t care. When your too nice people feel they can control you, use you, and throw you away. This is why we must not ignore the signs and don’t give second chances.
^i gave left a second chance.
when we first met,
he was nasty to me.
i tried to be cool with him and he was so/so.
we met later on in life and he admitted he didn’t like me because he thought i was gay.
he said he was homophobic.
we started fresh,
but he got shitted on by the same straight wolves he chose me over.
he got real controlling and wanted me to bitter as he was.
he was trying to get me to black mail celebs and shit.
hell naw.
that is not my thing.
he was all about “fuck people; get money”.
we got into a massive blow up and stopped speaking.
he came back into my life and has been good ever since.
life hasn’t been too kind to him.
i think he got his karma.
he told me i’m a good person and he realized that once i was gone.
i gave 3 chances because i know everyone isn’t perfect.
i’m not.
It sucks because you can never be sure who is displaying a facade and who really has your back, but I will say this. The more experience you get with “pieces of shit,” the easier you will be able to spot them. Pretty soon you will be able to see right through the bullshit and cut them off instantly so you can get some real, quality friends in your life. You are a good person and you don’t deserve this mess.
@Jamari My bad, as explained earlier I’ve dealt with this kind of mess too. I get a little snappy because I always feel like someone is tryna come for me. I get it, my bad J 👍
^maybe i’m not good?
i keep asking myself what did i do to work wolf,
and this she hyena,
to deserve this?
maybe i wasn’t good to them as i thought i was.
i keep coming up blank.
Don’t allow them to think negative of yourself
^is it wrong to say i hate them?
i hate them for what they did to me?
everyday i have to watch him move on and act like i’m some leper.
this she-hyena…
i helped her get her resume together so she could get her last job.
like…
how could they do this to me?
@Jamari No. That is not true. Good people, because of their bright aura attract the good and the bad. Trust me, good people probably get stomped on the most because of their kind-hearted nature. Don’t let that deter you though from being the good person you are because as I have said, eventually, spotting the fakes will become second nature to you and you will only be left with good people like yourself.
^this is very true.
i’ll pick myself up and start climbing again.
monday.
lol
i need to let it out this weekend.
You didn’t do anything wrong. We sometimes are drawn to people to meet a certain need..even if they are meant to last or do us harm. Their season in your life is over right now. Like Peter said in Brady br6nch…when it’s time to change you’ve got to rearrange… life happens. And people do fucked up shot not because of you but it’s because they are either fucked up or people make poor decisions not realizing the impact of these decisions. Who knows why she did it..maybe to present herself to certain people in a certain way for whatever reaaon. Maybe she regrets it..doesn’t really feel that way and she never thought it would harm u. Maybe she’s the evil wrongdoer. Don’t go shifting blame to where it doesn’t belong and that’s to you. This is how you damage yourself and your self esteem. She loaded the gun and pulled the trigger.
^tony i love when you comment.
you help me so much.
you just made me cry.
thank you reaching out and just supporting me as i go through this journey.
words like this help me and others so much.
Hey Bro. You already know that I wait with baited breath to read your blog while in rush hour traffic going to work every morning and on Saturdays when I wake up. Yours and a good friend’s are the only blogs I follow consistently.
Dude, you are bright, funny, introspective and talented, and it pains me to hear about some of the relationships in your life. There’s a song by Kirk Franklin that I am sure you have heard, “Wanna Be Happy “. If you haven’t already, listen to it with the express purpose of allowing it to minister to you, particularly that second verse. I am it in my classroom daily with my high school students, and it never fails that I scan the room and find a student who is internalizing the message or reaffirming the message.
I’m not sure how old you are, but you will learn in life that until you are content in who you are and WHOSE you are, these failed interactions and temporary-educational relationships will continue to cause turmoil in your mind, body and soul.
I have always said that “foxes” have an evolved neurological composition: we have the physical power and presence of a man tempered with the intuitive nurturing mindset of a woman. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, but we will continue to be hurt if we don’t own it. One of Phaedra’s best reads was “Don’t come for me unless I send for you.” I prefer my version, “Don’t come for me until I give you directions.” It is up to us to teach and guide people in how they should treat us.
Keep your head up Jamari, it always gets better…..or you learn to cope.
^you are absolutely right taylor.
thank you so much for leaving this love for me.
i honestly needed it tonight.
you and everyone who is sharing with me.
thank you.
@Jamari Are you tryna be funny? Pettywat?
^yeah.
my new name is gonna be “pettywat” to these assholes…
@Jamari So now your calling me an asshole?
^patty…
i’m gonna break it down because the joke went over your head.
your foxhole name is “PATTY WAT”,
right?
i’m saying i’m going to take your SCREEN NAME,
change it to “PETTY WAT”,
and be PETTY WAT to people in my life.
it has nothing to do with you in a disrespectful way.
do you get it now?
it was meant to be a joke.
On the same page today, going through something similar with a family member which is making it more difficult. I’m the type that blindly trust people if they’re family, I’d give family the clothes off my back without a question. Lately I’m learning even family will use you and talk shit behind your back.
I’m starting to understand why some people are so self-centered. You constantly have to worry about what another person’s motives are otherwise.
^maybe thats our problem?
are aren’t self centered enough?
I don’t think it’s being self-centred. I see it as watching your back, and there’s nothing wrong with that. EVERYBODY has to earn your trust, and go through the process of getting to know you and understand you before giving them your trust, even and ESPECIALLY family. Do NOT let your guard down! If you/they don’t know them/you well, they are to be watched with a critical eye until you know you can trust them. You should know your parents and siblings well enough to judge their characters, everyone else has to earn it. That’s just my view though.
^family can be the most wicked.
they are blood and will betray you at the drop of a dime.
that last situation is only loyal to his family.
i feel that will be his biggest karma.
as for that she-hyena,
sadly,
she earned my trust but she i didn’t peep the warning signs.
i learned something i can keep in my mental database.
@Jamari I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being petty, especially if everyone always wants to take you there. Especially when you’ve been nothing but nice.
@Dee & Jamari – I’m at the point in my life where I can deal with two faced heterosexual b!tches at work and half azzed bigoted family members. What bothers me most – *Correction * What HURTS me most is how we as gay brothers treat each other. Who the f*ck can I turn to when I have a bad day at work dealing with the type of fuckery Jamari had to contend with? As gay men our FRIENDS is our family! I’ve lost gay friends I’ve known for years due to dumb inane shht like jealously and (or) dishonesty. This, despite fighting like hell to keep those friends in my life because of the years I’ve invested in those sons of bastards! But we have to honor, respect and love ourselves first, and if your so called friends can’t (or won’t ) show their love and appreciation for your friendship then it’s time to throw those hoes off your yacth!
When I grow old and turn into a “elder gay” I’d like to have a small group of people I can call my family. Obviously not blood fam, but family no less. But if faith decides differently I’m okay with have a cat, a dog, and Netflix to keep me company. 😗
^omg you are speaking the truth with this:
“What HURTS me most is how we as gay brothers treat each other. Who the f*ck can I turn to when I have a bad day at work dealing with the type of fuckery Jamari had to contend with? As gay men our FRIENDS is our family!”
i had one and he passed away.
now this site is my connection to like minded gays.
i don’t particularly trust most gays because,
like those same vixens,
its always “something”.
I feel you J! Sometimes the bad apples still filter through. It’s just weird, I mean, I don’t know her, but she knew about you the whole time. A “real” friend would have expressed her feelings to you and you all would have been able to work it out.
It’s always a double edged sword when someone else comes to you with information like this. On the one hand they’re looking out for you by telling you, but on the other hand, they can’t be trusted because they’re meddling in another person’s friendship by telling you, and can’t keep their mouth shut when their loyalty should be to their friend. This is someone to be wary of too.
Between us, I’m glad they told you though, it’s always great to weed out the snakes. I wouldn’t know how I would feel if I were in your shoes, but I would say, chin up! Tomorrow’s a new day, and current events are even more reason to continue to pursue your goals 100! No distractions! F*ck the traitors! Stay on your grind! 🙂
^d…
i’m starting to see how cold the world is.
these animals in new yawk are cold af.
you think you cool with someone and they turn out to be the opposite.
everyone likes to use their:
“i been hurt before”
“i was treated badly by my parents”
“my ex hurt me”
and guess what?
i have been too,
but it didn’t make me bitter and nasty.
i don’t burn bridges or hurt the animals i love.
i’m always down to make a new connection.
the problem is that a majority of people are closed off.
they are weary of everyone so when i come in and bring a genuine attitude,
its like they are determined to sabotage the friendship.
it makes me weary of sharing myself anymore.
Yeah, that’s one of the downsides of urban culture. This girl, I could see as a blindside to you, because it certainly caught me off guard, but most people, if you give them enough time to bare their fangs, they will. The signs are always there. Considering your situation the best advice I think I could give you is to not to put too many eggs in the basket of friendship. I don’t advocate for the “jaded” rhetoric because it’s corny as hell, but going forward I would avoid getting attached to people (not saying you were with her though). It’s just too risky and you’ve been through too much. My mentality is: If they’re hear great, if not, moving on. This mentality has helped me with my confidence in myself because I’m telling myself: whatever happens, I’m going to be fine, and I’m okay with it. I’m not consumed with thoughts about what I did or didn’t do etc.
Hope this helps!.
That mentality helps you move forward if it is the worse case scenario and you aren’t hurt or jaded going into the next friendship. It’s liberating when you don’t feel hindered by your past. You won’t be worried as much if you can trust someone or not because you will feel that regardless of what happens, you are going to be okay. that Knowing will reassure you. I feel like you will be able to dust yourself off from this real quick though, but I do feel you on how much it sucks. Keep your head strong! this too shall pass!
^Amen! Which is why, sadly, I don’t fuck with many of my family members…on both sides! They will only talk to you when they want/need something.
That’s the thing that irritates me the most. I noticed a pattern, she’d tell me a sob story then would ask for something at the end of the day. She knows it’s a weak point for me, I hate to see any black mother hurting. I saw that enough with my mother having to deal with my father and raise me by herself.
Human beings ain’t worth a f*ck sometimes. I remember a similar situation happened to me when I was on a new job during my college years. One of the women simply walked up to me as her shift was ending and said “not everyone is your friend.” I looked at her with a confused look on my face as she was gesturing towards the two witches standing adjacent to us. What she meant became apparent right away. I wasn’t out about my sexuality but being a lean built guy standing 6ft tall made me a curiosity to single women. Apparently they’d determined or assumed I was gay since I didn’t flirt with either of them, and to my surprise that caused a bitterness towards me from both females. I was hurt because I was nothing less than a gentleman to these ladies. But it was a lesson a young naive man eventually had to learn.
^its like vixens assume you are gay because you not trying to give them dick.
the fuck?
and if they find out you’re gay,
they want to talk to you like you’re the stereotype.
it’s really annoying.
LOL. I get that a lot. One of the ladies on my job said to me, because I never talk about a girlfriend or dating, people think I might be gay. I said to her, well tell them that just because I don’t share my personal life means that I’m gay. That’s a statement made by assholes and ignorant folks, and if that’s who I work with…I’ll continue to keep my business to myself. And I reiterated to her to please be sure to share that comment with those who made the statement. I knew she was one of the women because every time she asks a question about my personal life, I always tell her that’s a need to know basis…and you don’t need to know. I’m sure she went back and said something because a few of them act funny towards me now, and the funny part is that they REALLY think they’re hurting my feelings. LOL
The thing is even foxes and wolves can do u dirty . Some people are just bad point blank. I tend to feed ppl with a long spoon and not let them get to close so I get to see all their bad ways over time, it can be lonely at times but at least you don’t end up getting hurt in the long run
^i feel like shit.
i don’t feel like doing anything or saying anything.
it’s like i want to leave and never come back.
@jamari I go through this same shit ALL THE TIME. I am a very nice person and I always look out for people, but I always find myself getting hurt and betrayed. I think it is God’s way of making you a stronger person. STOP TAKING PEOPLE’S SHIT, DON’T BE AFRAID TO HURT THEIR FEELINGS. THEY’RE NOT AFRAID OF HURTING YOURS.
^you are so right pw.
ima have to turn into “pettywat” for the rest of 2016.
My best friend always said that he doesn’t fuck with the fish. After getting burned severely by one, I’m inclined to agree. I stick with my fox and wolf community.
^i got hurt by a wolf just a few months ago.
i’ve been back stabbed by foxes as well.
“dumb ass bitch” can be either gender.
I don’t know you but it seems that you might be too trusting like me. I too have been burned by fish, wolves, gays etc. I keep people at a distance and only let them know things that can’t hurt me.