somewhere between deciding if i should watch scandal or glee first,
since everyone was crying over the latter,
i got a phone call from someone i didn’t think i would hear from again last night.
it was star fox.
a look of pure shock landed on my face.
i was hoping i’d answer the phone,
proceed to cuss him the fuck out,
and then wait for the logic explanation.
spy?
witness protection?
bet?
i know that wasn’t gonna happen because unless he knows a good plastic surgeon,
that was him we buried a couple months ago.
when i answered,
it was mama fox.
she was crying.

“omg are you okay?” i asked.
“no.
no i’m not.” she responded.
“whats going on?” i asked.

maybe i shouldn’t have asked that…

so she proceeded to tell me how she still wants to keep his phone on.
she then goes into a story about how one of star fox’s friends called her,
right before she called me.
the friend wanted to hear his voice mail again,
but she ended up answering.
they got to talking and he was telling her how they were good friends,
star fox had helped him get his life in order,
but star fox was struggling financially.
like bad.
he was selling and pawning shit,
desperately trying to make ends meet,
borrowing money,
and losing weight because he wasn’t eating.

shocked as i was,
i didnt know any of that.
i got the impression he was doing good.
well come to find out,
he was couch surfing with many various people.
the thing about star fox is he was very secretive.
he knew i would have gotten on him for that.
he was stubborn and wanted to do shit his way.
his mother was upset because she told him to come back up here.
she begged him to return back up north.
he didn’t listen.
now he is gone and she feels some kind of way.
she asked me how i was and i told her i was going through it myself.
i also admitted i wanted to kill myself a month ago.
things were getting hard,
i was depressed over him,
and i was looking for a way out.
she ended up praying with me on the phone.

after i hung up from her,
i felt low key depressed.
even tho i was doing good mentally with my “fuck it and fuck you” attitude,
shit like that does wallop your ass.
then my mind started to ask interrogate me.
maybe it was my fault he had to hide this from me?
was i too hard on him?
did i care too much?
then i thought about how i’m struggling as well.
i haven’t started pawning anything,
but could it get to that point?
would i die struggling?i had an issue with my laptop where i had to call apple.
while i was talking to tech support,
they put me on hold because my issue was a complicated one.
while on hold,
this song started playing:

apple has the best holding music i swear.
i was never really a bob marley fan although i knew his songs.
i didn’t want have any on my itunes,
but the words of this song stood out to me.
ironic?
maybe it was a sign from god?
star fox?
my parents?
who knows.
all i know i need to keep believing everything will be alright.