if you’re gay, you’re die alone so just fuck and party the night away! *throws confetti*

yesterday,
i wrote an entry about a scene in the new “gossip girl”.
in the entry,
i fonted:

“opposites do attract and good dick/cheeks are out here with your name on it.”

in which it led foxholer,
john,
to respond:

Jamari have to disagree a bit. I don’t think there is any booty/dick with our names on it. No one really has relationships in the community. I’ve only seen one Ltr and they were white. We will die alone unfortunately. I’ve learned to accept that.”

i won’t lie,
the comment blew my top off.
when i really stewed on it tho…

John has a point.

it led to jumanji coming with this 3-pointer:

Some of y’all getting upset at what John said, but let’s not act like there aren’t several men in our community out here in they 30s, 40s, 50s, plus and still single af.

Let’s be real, the state of gay dating and relationships are tough and depressing. I mean where do I begin:
–The community’s obsession with sex
–No guide, rulebook, or blueprint on gay courtship and family building ‘cus you gay living in a straight world
–DL men
–Would be viable men if they didn’t come out late and are still going through they hoe phase
–Men who never seem to leave they hoe phase
–Men afraid of any sort of commitment
–The open relationship/non-monogamy epidemic
–Racist and Fetishizing non-black gays
–Snow queens
–etc.

jumanji is absolutely right.
gay males are taught to fuck and die because of it tbh.
fuck
,
party,
and die once that catches up with us.
we get to see it in real-time on onlyfans in this era.
hell,
a majority of gay males don’t know how to platonic friends.
i’m gonna font a controversial statement.
it might ruffle some fur today but:

It is hard to date while being BLACK.
Period.

don’t let social media fool you.
stop falling for carefully curated social media posts.
highlight reels aren’t a good life make.
i use to envy vixens but they have all revealed dating black and straight really sucks.

Most straights are out here settling and setting up the divorce play after the marriage and kids.
Most straight males have become more emotionally feminine while vixens have gotten more aggressive.
Most straights are promoting toxic relationships out of comfort and ignorance
Most straights want the kids but don’t realize how expensive they are pre or post-divorce
Most straight vixens are becoming the breadwinners and finessed into paying alimony

dating has gotten worse with the freer we have become.
everyone is a loud and proud “something” but isn’t decent enough to date and settle with.
you see all the “pro-black/happy to be nappy” settling with white partners in the end.
tbh,
a majority of males suck.
sgl or straight af.
i mean,
when the rapping wolves are tweeting this:

i’m so happy to see that black folk realizing we need therapy.
gay folks desperately need it to unpack and unload all the trauma we’ve faced.
i’ll font another controversial statement:

Some gay and bi males are mean,
ignorant,
and rude so it’s a no-brainer that they’re single.

imagine dealing with all of that anger and hurt in a relationship?
some gay males chase away good partners because of their attitudes every day b.


so yes,
we are all not guaranteed “someone” although we shouldn’t doom ourselves to being alone.
i’d rather be single than put up with half the nonsense that i see irl and on social media.
it’s a shit show out here but someone you might fancy is viewing from the sidelines too.

lowkey: if you don’t find someone,
that’s fine too.
set your life up to be as amazing,
successful,
happy,
and luxurious as possible.
don’t die a loser.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

33 thoughts on “if you’re gay, you’re die alone so just fuck and party the night away! *throws confetti*

  1. I add two additional obstacles: obsession with turning straight men and…..dunt dunt duuuuunt…..STDs.

    I’m HIV+ and have been for almost 20 years. I still look good and I’m undetectable. However, we are seen as having the plague and “sick” and basically the scum of the community. It’s hard to date because I’m forced to disclose and I’m pretty private. I’ve gone on dating sites for people with STDs (yes that is really a thing 😂) and I haven’t had any luck. A lot of the men are older, not as healthy and focused on their health, and frankly unattractive to me. So here I am, over 35 and single AF with little hope of finding someone to build a relationship with.

    1. ^sheesh,
      it’s really hard out here.

      i’ll see promotion for a sex party rather than a intimate setting where you can get to know someone.
      crazy enough,
      i’ve finally stopped looking so hard and don’t even care as much.
      after last year’s situation,
      i’m good atm.

    2. I find it contradictory that you profess that you want more but are still expressing the same “superficial” shyt that we normally hear in this community. As you stated, “A lot of the men are older, not as healthy and focused on their health, and frankly unattractive to me.” Yet, you continue to wonder why you are SINGLE. Smh. Wouldn’t you want someone who is focused on their health? And then the “frankly unattractive” piece…..No one is saying to date a monster but it’s a bullshyt statement. You are not looking for love and need to come clean that you are just looking to fuck. Over 35 and still spewing nonsense!

  2. Well I think that’s we don’t have a many relationships in the gay community (as far a as men go) in totality is because we honestly are men. I remember years ago when this show called “Queers as Folk” was on the lead character Brian Kenny said most men don’t are much more interested in sex than all that affection that is in all honesty part of your nature.

  3. There is a lot of validity in this post and I’ve experienced much of it. I’ve also experienced the other side. I’ve met quite a few guys who wanted committed and healthy relationships. That last statement is the key for me…. Call me crazy, but I truly believe that if I commit to being happy instead of trying to find a man, I’ll attract that same energy into my life.

    1. ^yeah i agree.

      i made a motto i’m going to events and places rather than trying to find a partner.
      that never made me happy and attracted a lot of dusty emotional bums in my life 🤣

      these days,
      happiness and great energy is major key for me.
      i don’t want any trash and low hanging fruit in my life to fuck that up.

  4. So here’s the thing
    In 2006 I was in hs and had my first mutual crush we couldn’t do anything bc we were teens and closeted

    2010 I hadn’t officially relocated to Nyc but I was visiting and started being attracted to locals

    It was then that I noticed sex and hoe phases were prevalent especially in major cities

    So when I relocated permanently to ny, I wasn’t culture shocked but I knew what it was and to this day every couple I see here is either in an open relationship or just hooking they’re either snow queening in fire island or going to ATL sex parties and it doesn’t seem to be giving up anytime soon

    And let’s say 2 in 10 don’t do this, well the ones who won’t don’t have social media so there’s no chance in meeting them

    Most gays find significant others on social media which is home to a lot of gays with delusions of grandeur so that’s another barrier

    And the sex positivity movement and gender fluidity movement is based in narcissism 10 years ago masc4masc was in but now that the mainplaywrs have seen it gets them nowhere they’re now so accepting of femininity and wearing it as a costume it’s all just a confusing shit show and no one is being their authentic selves

  5. I just think it depends on the person. I’ve noticed this generation caters more to hookups yet expects longevity out of it. I’ve seen posts on sites that read ” I’m a DL Top/Bttm looking for someone to know and be with exclusively” . After reading those I’m thinking How is it you don’t identify yourself as gay but are you expecting to have a DL relationship? Lastly folks say (and I was guilty of this too for a long time) “Here to hookup but looking for someone I can deal with on the regular”. Looking for relationship qualities such as consistency, frequent communication and loyalty from a jump off. It’s like self sabotage in finding love.

    That’s like expecting Lobster and steak from an IHOP. I know a few gay couples, some Women as well. Cousin live inside Harlem, she’s her early 50s. She’s in a relationship of over 25+ yrs. The other relationships I’ve known of are older, 37-50 in age and they’re all working professionals. This woman, whom is a good friend with my siblings, were originally engaged to an man. Months after the engagement the relationship ended and she disappeared for an period. She later re-emerge posting on social media almost a year later. In an relationship dating an Woman. They’d eventually gotten married and still are together. It’s not a race sometimes it takes time to find your true love and purpose.

    I guess because most have to evolve into their highest self, allows attraction what into whatever they may desire. I also feel in order to grow we must communicate from beginning. If an person wants a hookup then inform the other person. However, if they’re relationship oriented then date someone with the same goals. Lastly, get back to traditional dating.

    1. Yea Gen X was the last era of that exclusivity being promoted

      and “to be young gay and black” comment under this I also agree with referring to masculinity

      I wore big clothes like gayness is still something I’m learning to take in larger doses. I didn’t hang with a group of gay men until after college I was always around women

      Bc the ogs I spoke with on forums and message boards in the mid 00s taught me to be gay a certain way and who and what to stay away from

      They discussed things like being a man meant you worked and provided now sugar daddies are being promoted in the culture

      Grown men 26 27 still no job but have a laundry list of expectations from a mate

      Men idolizing female celebs not only from a point of admiration but living vicariously through cardi b and assuming her Persona

      It’s like I don’t Fit in with my own generation bc I was raised by an older gen of gays

      that harbor beliefs that are now are considered shaming

      Gays today call desiring commitment “heteronormativity “ that’s my issue

      It’s one thing if u say “I’m a hoe and don’t want a relationship “ but it’s dangerous to tell the community “men should be able to hook up nsa take prep and you’ll be fine” I think that’s the danger in today’s generation

      People try to force everyone else to be as open as they are …

  6. I’ve resigned myself to getting a dating coach so I can truly learn how to navigate these streets. Because of the era, I grew up in with baggy jeans and long white T’s, I’m still conditioned with a lot of toxic masculinity and learning how to unpack and unlearn. I’m free, happy and at peace with who I am now but how do I proceed with being authentically me in the gay world when I see a lot smoke and mirrors and bullshit. I’ve always messed with guys that are d/l and the few times I’ve tried to get with an openly gay guy, it never worked whether I wasn’t emotional available enough or they was on their own bullshit. I don’t want to die alone nor do I want to catch HIV/AIDS so that picture scares me. I know I gotta get over my trepidation and I do flirt with my eyes but I gotta figure out how to communicate while still keeping my composure and not come off thirsty or whatever.

    Sometimes being gay feels like such a burden.

    1. ^i felt this really heavy.
      the last sentence:

      “sometimes being gay feels like such a burden”.
      i’d like to add black and gay because the white gays are living and loving in their privilege.

      1. Yes jamari and their freedom is what makes snow queen Black gays obsessed with them

        I had a guy tell me “I like white guys cuz they’re down for whatever”

        that’s bc u don’t let us as Black men be ourselves the same shit they shame us for they accept in white gays

      2. Yes being black is it’s own cross to carry as well.

        I think white men are attractive and I have better stimulating conversations with them than black men tbh. I would love to be with a black man who I can vibe with on shared experiences and the culture and I love the passion of Latin men but I’m starting to think that I should pivot towards white just so I can find something. Nobody wants to up end up alone so we all make sacrifices and compromises to get there. I’m no better or any different lol.

  7. No it’s not about not allowing black men to be themselves. It’s for me about the hang ups with toxic masculinity or being so ghetto and ignorant that you don’t know how to have an open minded conversation. This isn’t a competition and chill with the insecurities. Black men can be their own enemy because you’re working so hard to be seen as this or that but not realizing that you are doing the most looking for validation and attention. I like a down to earth kinda gay, the ones who know who they are but isn’t stuck on themselves. They are relaxed in their persona this making you relaxed to talk and be with them in shared space. White men gay or straight have no problem talking to me or getting my attention. It’s usually the black guys who want to play games and that’s annoying as fuck. Just my experience in these streets.

    1. I like that too which is why social media dating is hard

      Everyone is on onlyfans they don’t even wanna be porn stars they just want a quick $9.99 no financial savings or retirement just dick and vibes

      I can’t do the clout chaser gays

  8. I don’t disagree that same sex male relationships aren’t particularly common, but it isn’t even that difficult to find them, especiallyin the age of social media. Some of you don’t even make the effort. You (subconsciously) choose to look for the gays that fucked everyone, always fighting and in some drama, etc but get numb and annoyed towards black gay couples and weddings. We don’t care to share black gay excellence because we it would make the church folk and straight men that you are ever so loyal too uncomfortable.

    It’s never gonna be easy, but I wish more people knew how much control they have over their outlook.

    1. You my kind of people!! I’m not with the doom and gloom. We would do just fine if we knew how powerful we are!

      1. It’s not doom and gloom if you share what information and insight you have with the rest of us. We are openly saying we have been having a hard time so if you know different then share with us. That’s how you spread black gay excellence instead of looking down your nose at people who are baring their experiences and may just need some advice. This blog should be where black gay men can openly talk and walk away with something good bad or indifferent. Not just argue opposing sides with no middle ground gained.

        1. It wasn’t my intention to come across judgemental. I’ve experienced so much BS out here in these gay streets. Through therapy and a lot of self reflection I realized that a lot of it was because I wasn’t happy and I allowed people to cross my boundaries. So these days my focus is on being the man of my dreams instead of trying to find him somewhere else. And plus….. Niggas ain’t going anywhere lol. They’ll be right there waiting for you after you take some time to see about yourself!

          1. ^ “Niggas ain’t going anywhere lol. They’ll be right there waiting for you after you take some time to see about yourself!”

            chills!
            110%

  9. I was reading then i saw dababy… after what he said about people living with HIV AIDS… i can’t

    1. Dababy’s commentary was why I said in a previou post that black heterosexual men are going to have to have a long, honest conversation amongst themselves about what it black manhood and masculinity FOR THEM. Cuz this reaction that many of them have when a GAY black man like LNX is out here doing his thing and minding his own black gay business is ridiculous…they take this shit personally.

      Again, I ask: “What does what a gay black man being hella feminine have to do with your straight ass??? How does it affect you in any way, shape, or form???”

      They are so paranoid of “the black man in a dress” trope when the man is actually gay, but will turn a blind-eye to it when it comes to the Wayan brothers dressing up as two white men for laughs.

  10. OMG!!! I want to reply to everyone’s comment ‘cuz everyone is making such good points, but I ain’t got the time right now. I’ma try to respond later, but this is why I love the foxhole!

    I’m a little shook that I was featured on your post Jamari…curtsies LOL

  11. you see all the “pro-black/happy to be nappy” settling with white partners in the end.

    All of that. I’ll marry a recovering snow queen.

  12. I’m in a long term relationship with another Black gay man. I know many Black gay/same-gender-loving men who are. I saw a great tweet list that featured over 100+ Black gay men in long-term relationships with each other. Black gay/same gender loving relationships do exist. They just are never featured publicly.

  13. I’ve read all of the comments on this and I agree with most if not all of them. I’m about to be 40 in a few weeks. (Not that that’s a bad thing) I’m also disabled and fem. To tell you guys the truth, I’m kinda scared I’ve done hookups, sex parties things like that. However, now I’m at a point where I want someone to explore this life with. In truth, I’ve always been a relationship oriented person. Though as I become older, it seems like it’s not going to happen. Which I won’t lie scares me but I have hope. Even if it is very fleeting at times. Take for instance, my best friend he’s just begun dating someone and already looking for a way “out” because he wants an open relationship and he’s sure the guy he’s seeing will not go for it. My point is, with hookup culture/onlyfans and the like begin the norm. What can you do? Nothing really. Just love on you the best way, you know how. I don’t know why some think you choose to be gay. Trust me, you don’t. The cross can be a very heavy one to carry.

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