trust.
something so hard to build,
and so easy to be broken.
in life,
we learn early on how to trust our parents.
well we had no choice.
they had to feed,
clothe,
and protect us.
when we got into the real world,
we started meeting friends.
we would tell them our secrets with hope of them locking them away.
well it isn’t until someone comes along and breaks that trust,
maybe a few times,
that we start putting up walls and being extremely guarded.
i can say that is how my life has turned out.
you want to know something about me?…
i have been hurt by people so much,
used and back stabbed,
that now its hard for me to trust anyone.
i met so many people who i thought were worthy of my trust,
and then BOOM,
they did something to fuck it up.
not just fuck it up,
but break my heart in the process.
this was family,
“friends”,
and jackal or hyenas in wolf fur.
last night i went to a bbq.
someone that i thought i could trust showed up.
i stopped speaking to them due to something they did to me,
but being the bigger person,
i tried to reach out and say “wassup”.
well everything was cool until the dranks and weed started flowing.
can you believe they flipped the script on ME?
causing this scene and made me look like i was the one who was wrong?
i was so fuckin tite,
but i tried to play it off with a smile.
i can’t let people get the best of me in person.
not to mention i was out numbered.
needless to say i came home,
got unforgivably drunk as fuck,
and took it out on someone else.
i started questioning who they were as a person.
i started going in on the trust they had for me.
drunk words and accusations are not a good mix.
well i may have ruined a potential relationship.
so much so,
after reading what i wrote in my drunken stuper,
i feel like i want to cry.
so now i’m sitting here,
feeling like shit,
throwing up my regrets in a trash can,
and wondering when did i let my walls take over my life?
i can name so many incidents where i have been betrayed.
i am a good person,
with a great heart,
yet people always try to take me for granted.
it kind of reminds me of the movie malificent.
she trusted a man and he betrayed her.
he betrayed her in a way that was absolutely cruel.
it caused her to become the dark villian-ess she was known for.
so what she do?
take all her rage out on everyone.
it wasn’t until she met someone who genuinely loved her,
someone she least expected,
that she returned back to her true self.
i connected with her story.
sadly i may have chased those people away.
good people who may have been interested in me and my well being.
i sincerely apologize.
i just want to let go of my past.
the hurt,
the pain,
and the people that have crippled me for all these years.
i miss having star fox to guide me.
he was truly my angel that was helping me learn to trust.
it’s been so hard ya’ll,
and i’m so tired,
but i realize i have to start somewhere.
why not today?
Deep post. Lord knows I understand where you are coming from. I always remind myself I do not want to be bitter. Although I have many reasons to be. I continuously remind myself life is to short to spend even a minute unhappy. I forgive and let God. Some days are harder than most but I do it. Every situation is a lesson learn. One will continue to go through that lesson until it learn. Why not do it with a smile?
I understand it hurts but never allow someone’s actions determine the kind of person you are. Apologize to those you’ve done wrong… if they’re true friends they will be ready to forgive you.
If it’s one thing I hate most, it’s when somebody puts me on the spot. Maybe it’s better you went through this because now you know better. The next time you see a situation similar to this one coming up, you simply excuse yourself. I don’t what else to say because I’m going through the motions too. This blog helped me realize that I need to get my emotions in check. I allow people, places, and things to get to me more than it should. With me it’s really bad. It affects my attitude on everything. Sometimes(really most of the time) I can’t think straight. I’m gonna get back into meditation because I noticed it helped me somewhat to clear my mind. Prayer helps too. Give all negativity to God. That’s easier said then done because I don’t even do that myself. I’m also gonna give meditation music a try for once. It’s good to escape all thought, even if only for a minute or two.
As for the forgiving thing. That’s something I have trouble doing. I already told you how I’m still holding grudges from ten years ago. I don’t think anyone truly forgives and they damn sure don’t forget. I think it’s it’s more of a “I can deal with your fault” type of mentality. Why do we always have to forgiving, it’s not like God forgives. I don’t see God calling Satan up to heaven, giving him a hug and saying “I forgive you my child.” We’re not Gods so why should we be held to such a standard. I’m rambling because I don’t really know what to say. I’m not one to give advice because most of the time I go by the “fuck em all” motto. Not in the sexual way. If they don’t give a fuck, I won’t give a fuck either. They weren’t giving a fuck when they hurt me therefor I will never give two fucks about em. Fuck em.
I think I need therapy or to talk to a preacher or something. I revel in my anger.
^this is such a powerful comment zen.
thank you and thanks everyone who left love.
i wrote that in the middle of the worst hang over of my life lol
People are fickle. But that’s part of life. You can’t let people dictate or control your happiness and peace of mind like that.
Don’t feel bad. Letting people in is a part of life. No matter if you let people in a little or a lot, you will learn something in the end. And if the person you lashed out at, is truly meant to be in your life at this moment, then that person will forgive you and continue to be in your life.
You have to forgive people for their betrayals against you, not for them but for your sanity. your growth in life depends on it…Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond, your life is determined predominantly how you respond circumstances…you can’t stop living, trusting and experiencing because of the past. maybe those people were in your life in the past to teach you, about yourself and the harsh realities of life….just because you have a nightmare doesn’t mean you stop dreaming…keep living, keep thriving and leave those people and things from your past right where they belong…in YOUR PAST…Be BLESSED!!!!!
I feel what you’re saying. We generally get betrayed/hurt by those who are closest to us.
I had 2 friends, both of whom I considered my best friends, that hurt me the most. The friendships lasted 8 and 9 years respectively, but ended very badly. One tried to sleep with my ex-girlfriend behind my back and the other let his insecurities tear apart our “friendship”.
While I am cautious about who I let into my life now, I haven’t allowed what happened in my past relationships to have a negative effect on my present relationships.
While a few have shown me that they aren’t who I could really consider a friend, most for the part have been alright. I take “your actions speak louder than words” very seriously now.
People use the word friend way too loosely. I don’t. For me it has to be earned.
Awe cheer up, it’s just another learning lesson in life. I know it’s hard but try not to let your past ruin your future. Don’t worry I’m sure you will make great true friends who you can give your love to. I’m sure the person you lashed out on knows you didn’t mean it
Yea, let today be the day of a whole new beginning for you man. Have a more positive energy, a better attitude, and be the best person you can possibly be.
Everyone you stumble across is not going to like you. It happens, and that is a part of life. You have to watch you choose to surround yourself with, everyone does not have your best interest at heart. Some have good intentions, while others could give a damn.